Anyone else have a GREAT marriage, except for in-laws?

Question

We have a great marriage when it comes to how to spend money, where to vacation, work/stay-at-home, kids, parenting, religion, sex, sharing housework, letting each other what they like(hobby, class, sport, buy something expensive).

But, when it comes to in-laws, it is total chaos. Luckily they live very far away. My husband just has to tell them stuff way ahead of time or just tell them what they don't need to know. Be it, vacation plans, a bonus, a new car, a course I am taking, any health problems I'm having. Or reasons for any investments we make.
And each time we meet them, I have to 'please be calm, we are just meeting them for a few days'. My husband just refuses to stand up for me, agrees their behaviour is wrong, but insists I take the high road.

I am dealing with it OK, just want to know is it just me or it happens to others too?

Anyone, else ,have it like this. A really, really GREAT marriage, except when it comes to in-laws?

Answer 1

I have a great marriage including the in laws. Our downfall is that he refuses to take out the trash, (his one and only chore). But I fugure that if as a wife that is all I have to complain about, and that is all we fight about, then I am pretty lucky!

Answer 2

Yes, me. My husband is a wonderful man. Like you, my in laws live far away, 11,000 miles away to be exact. The first time they met me, they instantly hated me. My husband didn't say much to them about it and they went home and all was well. They never have acknowledged our children and then last year out of the blue they decided to come visit. They demanded he see them alone for the first 3 days of their stay. By then, I had HAD it. He took me to their hotel to "meet" with them and all hell broke loose. This time he stood up for me and really flew into them. They no longer speak now. It is a shame, but has made my life so much better.

Answer 3

Yep, this is a problem for me as well. The only thing we argure about is his family. My parents love him and make him feel very welcomed and like a part of my family, but I still feel like an outsider with his family.

I'm currently the only daughter-in-law that hasn't provided a grandchild (we just got married) and it's already very apparent the only good my mother-in-law sees in her daughter-in-laws is that they give her grandkids and since I haven't done that, I'm REALLY useless. My sister-in-laws that have kids are semi respected, but only because she knows she won't see their kids if she's not nice to them--albeit fake nice.

Unlike you, my in-laws don't live that far away (only about an hour). That's the biggest problem we have. They want us to come visit them for every little thing that goes on and if we aren't there, they get mad. They don't respect our time and that is my biggest beef with them. It doesn't matter what we do because it's never good enough for her. We either don't come often enough or when we do come we don't stay long enough (she usually requires at least one overnight). It's ridiculous. And it's not like she even enjoys our time together when we are there. She basically ignores us, hogs the grand kids and won't let anyone else hold or play with them, or complains we aren't staying long enough. Makes for fun visits, let me tell you!

Unfortunately I don't have any great advice on how to handle it because I can barely stay sane myself when we go for visits. I try to just go about being who I am and not let her get the best of me. She's immature and I prefer not to sink to her level. From what I can tell, mother's who can't let go of their sons are insecure. They need to accept that their son's have their own lives and that they are no longer the most important woman in it. Until they get to that realization on their own, there's not a whole lot we can do but buck up and be as civilized and respectful as possible.

I've been working with my husband to try and get him to stand up to his parents more (after I point things out -- typical man, is oblivious when it actually happens). Sometimes he tries, but not very successfully. He doesn't like to have people upset with him so he always tip toes around the issues. I go with the approach -- I'm trying really hard to be as pleasant and nice as possible when around your parents, can you please give it everything you have to try and stand up for me and for us and our time. Kind of a give and take...

Good Luck!

Answer 4

I think inlaw problems fall into four categories:
a) A class issue - Person A's family thinks that the spouse, Person B, is of a lower class because he or she comes from a family with less money or education - they think Person B is "trash";
b) A different class issue - Person A's family thinks Person B thinks too highly of himself/herself because Person B's family has more money or education - they think Person B is egocentric;
c) Person A's family is just very clannish. No one is allowed to join their club just by marrying a member; and
d) Person B is overly sensitive or misinterpretting the situation (e.g. Person A's family is shy or not as outgoing as Person B's family).

You can at least make an effort to deal with any of these situations. Could you select one person who seems more approachable and try to relate to that person on a one-on-one basis? Single him or her out at a family gathering and try to find common ground or a common interest and suggest getting together for lunch.
Could you try to relate to his mom at a let's get to know each other go out and have coffee thing?
If they are excluding all daughters- and sons-in-law, could you try bonding with the other outcasts?
One word of caution, don't give any information beyond the most vague statements as to your finances. It's none of their business.
Good luck.

Answer 5

In a European context i see with but in Africa where i presently live and work your in-laws are a very important part in any marriage. In your husbands' case i see a highly sociable human being who likes broadening his interaction with people he is related with, and if the in-law don't cause any direct problem to you and your husband then count your self lucky cos you will need them especially in times of trouble. In Africa in-laws can play very important roles of counseling for couples in disputes. Please don't leave out the positive aspects in human relations

Answer 6

My in-laws were lovely people. It was my husband who was a jerk! The marriage was over many years ago. I still stay in touch with my mother-in-law!

Answer 7

OMG the only problem we have are his family..they stay over weeks at a time..we almost always are at the brink of breaking up when they stay here...becasue mainly he acts like a jerk to me and we can never talk cause they are around.........I HATE THEM SOO MUCH..I feel ya.