Divorce and Remarriage?

Question

I grew up in a strict Church of Christ home that believes that you can get a divorce but are NEVER to remarry. I don't think that this is right, I even attended a cousin's wedding that my mom and dad refused to go to because her husband had been married before.

And now I'm engaged to a man that has been married before. His ex-wife slept with another man while he was in Iraq and moved him into their home. He divorced her on his mid-tour leave two years ago. I've been trying to study about this but it's all so confusing.

I need any and all advice. Please help, even if it may not be what I want to hear.

I truly do believe in my heart that this is the man that I am supposed to marry. Both of us have been through many difficult times in the past but we believe that God put us through them in order to make us stronger for each other. We can not change the past but only learn from it.

Secondly, I have a lot of problems with the church that my family belongs to. In fact, I stopped attending services three years before my fiance and I even met. And there are several reasons that I continue to not go (hypocritical, conieving, etc.). Now, we are trying to find a church that we can both attend together in order to build a strong foundation for ourselves.

Answer 1

This problem is pretty common. People are brought up in homes with traditional values. Although the basis of these values is still solid, sometimes people are very rigid in their thinking and judge situations unfairly.

I am divorced (and about to remarry), but if I talk to someone who is contemplating divorce I strongly urge them to do what they can to prevent it. However, sometimes it is just not workable, particularly if one partner is not willing to work on the relationship and make the necessary changes for both to be happy.

The bottom line is that if you believe in God, you need to realize that He did not create us to be miserable. No, we cannot be strictly after our own pleasure, and have responsibilities, but we were created with emotions. Joy is given to us as a sign of what is right in our life. We also feel energetic and motivated when we are happy. If you are in a marriage that drains your will to do anything constructive because you don't have the energy or constantly focused on the negative, how is that allowing you to fulfill any will that the Creator may have in mind for you? We need to be able to wake up feeling positive most days. This does not mean that we give up after every small problem, but if it is a constant feeling, then you really need to consider your life and where it is going, including the partnership. Emotions are clues.

Our parent's generation was all about staying together at all costs. Sure it is fantastic if a couple can make it through to the golden anniversary, but how many of them still love, or more importantly LIKE each other? Although they see our generation as quitters and selfish, they also need to consider that our generation came to the realization that WE also matter. In fact, it could be said that we are braver because we are willing to step out and say "this isn't right" versus hiding in misery behind an institution "just because".

The other thing that someone who is well versed in Christianity explained to me. There is the biblical reference that states "whoever God puts together, no man shall pull apart". We are creatures of free will, therefore how do we know the person we are with was really the person God willed to us? We may have chosen them for the wrong reasons (looks, money, lifestyle etc.), all with the best of intentions (we all are attracted, in an earthly way to certain people that are not good for us). Just because we have a wedding, doesn't mean God necessarily blesses that union because it was chosen for the wrong reasons.

Most people when they enter into marriage have a pretty good idea if that person is truly right for them. Unfortunately, we don't always listen to the little voice (a lot of nervousness before a wedding is not "cold feet", but your inner voice telling you that this is not a good decision). If we did, we would like make different decisions.

If we are to believe that God is a creator who wants the best for us, then we need to believe that there is a mate that is perfect for us in His eyes. It is up to us to find them. Sometimes it will not happen the first time around and we will stumble along the way.

So, you need to really think for yourself, and understand that God does not want marriage to be a prison sentence. He wants it to be a gift and a joyful union. It will never be perfect, because we are not perfect, but it can be good.

Answer 2

The scenario you are describing is called adultery. It is a sin. One should not be engaging even in a platonic relationship with someone else while married. There are very few grounds for remarriage after divorce. I can think of only two: the other spouse committed adultery, or the other spouse was an unbeliever and abandoned the spouse who seeks to remarry. God forgives all sins through Jesus' sacrifice. However, deliberately sinning means lacking a repentant attitude, and repentance is a requirement. We all continue to sin, but this has to be a rather well planned sin, since you can't just do it once; it is an ongoing situation. The best statement on adultery is in Jesus' sermon on the mount. He said that if a man even looks at a woman and lusts after her, he has committed adultery in his heart. The requirements are strict and exacting. Divorce is a legal act. It has no bearing on the emotions, or on the bonding in marriage. All it resolves is strictly the legal issues. It also causes any children to become subject to the jurisdiction of the court. This is dangerous for children. People suffer when the emotional bond is torn asunder. God never intended divorce, and He said that no person should disrupt what He has joined. The bonding is built in. It happens, regardless of how much a person might wish it otherwise. I have seen the damage divorce causes in my own family. Divorce also tears apart the relationships of other members of the family. The other spouse is an in-law, and if you love your in-laws as you should, it will be a bitter pill. Marriage isn't easy. It's not intended to be. But the rewards from staying married and working on it are incalculable. I know. I have been married for 42 years. Marriage is a symbol of the relationship between Christ and the church. We wouldn't want Christ to divorce us. We should do unto others as we wish done to us. When we get a divorce or commit adultery, we are misrepresenting the relationship between Christ and the church to the world. So we not only disobey God with divorce, but we mislead others. This is wrong, too. We are all sinners. So we have no right to demand perfection in our spouses. They're not going to get perfection from us. We are commanded to forgive one another. Christ gave Himself for His bride. We are called to practice self-sacrificing love in marriage. We are to cherish each other. This is a decision, not an emotion. In Greek, the type of love expected of us is "agape". Read I Corinthians 13 to learn about this type of love.

Answer 3

Jesus said, "Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." (Matthew 19:9)

This is all that needs to be said on the subject. There is one exception that allows a person to divorce their spouse and be scripturally elegable for remarriage. It sounds like, from your description that your fiance' was divorced for this reason.

I hope you will reconsider the Church of Christ. Maybe you can try another congregation.

Yes there are hypocrites in the church, but there are hypocrits in every church. Don't let hypocrits stand between you and God! Perhaps you can be an example to them of the attitude that they should have.

I am a member of the Church of Christ. My mother is also a member, but I don't feel particularrily at home in the congregation she attends, so I attend another congregation.

You say her congregation is "strict". If they strictly follow the scriptures, then they, and your parents, should recognize the exception to divorce and remarriage as it was instructed by Christ! (Matthew 5:32, Matthew 19:9)

Answer 4

Apparently, up to now, you have accepted your church's other narrow views, rules and restrictions. Did you ever question the Church's position on Jews or people of other religious faiths for example*? Or is it just now, when it doesn't suit you personally that you begin to question your church's values and beliefs? Is there a caveat in your church's rule ---divorcees shall never remarry ---that says it's OK as long as there is a good reason?
An interesting thing I often witness in many Christians is that their "religion" seems to fly out the window whenever it is inconvenient to follow the rules.

Answer 5

If you don't believe in the teachings of the church your family took you to then you are free to join a church that makes you feel comfortable -- and accepted. God loves us as we are, faults and all. Any church that tells you otherwise is just trying to control you using God as leverage. The important thing is that you serve God in some way, not that you bend your life to suit others. If it is wrong for you to marry this man God will speak to you directly. He won't use middle men. Oh, yes, congratulations and I hope you have a wonderful life with the man you love.

Answer 6

I personally am married and do not believe in divorce. But I also do not believe a church tells me how to live my life. If you truly believe you want to re-marry and this man makes you happy, go for it. No human being has the right to judge another human being even your parents and the book tells that everyone is judged equally in front of the Lord.

Answer 7

My experience with this religion and I mean no respect to you but they will not bend at all. They only think in black and white and there is no room for grey. I had friends who became Church of Christ members and they could not see that there are exceptions to every rule. If you truly love this man and you know in your heart he is a good man, then your only choice is to leave the Church and go find a loving religion. Sorry but that is the reality of it.

Answer 8

You have been raised by a certain set of morals and beliefs. Those values and morals that your parents instill are you more than likely came from your grandparents or somewhere along the line your parents decided to follow this certain path.

The point is, once your grown and gone from you parents, it is up to you on whether or not you want to continue to follow in your upbringing or maybe change something a little to your own preference- HOW you want to live you life.

Not every kid that their parents instill church and no sex before marriage, happens. I myself was taught not to have sex before marriage, but I ended up with a son and still not married, but still with my gf at the age of 23. If it was up to my parents, they would have preferred me to wait it out, like they did. But everyone is different, everyone makes their own choices, and my parents still accept me, love me, support me, everything the same as if none of this happened.

I think, if you parents are truly their for you, the will let you follow your own DECISIONS and support you in whatever it is you want to do. Just because it may seem like you are turning against them, this is their point of view, not the way you are intending it to be. If they truly stand by your side and support you, then they will allow to you make your free, independent decisions.

Whatever has happened between your soon to be husband before he was married, you just need to believe him and trust in him that he is telling you the truth. I don't know what the real problem is here, I'm thinking your talking about his past because of your parents.

EIther way, live your own life - not a life your parents wish to live.

Answer 9

In my opinion a spiritual out look on life is very healthy. A religious one sometimes can be damaging.....many are associated with being judgmental and play on guilt. Two things I don't believe in. Make a decision on which type of faith is comfortable for you. When you marry, you are supposed to go into it for life. Your parents, relatives while they are a part of your life are not going to be your life partner....your husband is. I really believe that if you follow your heart it will never steer you wrong. If your family shames you because you have found love with this man, and if he is a good man and loves you, that is their loss if they don't accept him...it will be sad for you, however if you have found the one you want to spend your life with in this man, don't turn your back on him because of your families religious beliefs, they obviously don't sound like your beliefs.

Answer 10

The reason they see it that way is because the Lord doesn't view divorce as an option unless there are specific things that went on... (abuse, cheating,etc) If you really want to get through to your parents, track down the information in the bible so you can show them that what you are doing is legal in both the law and God's eyes. Good luck to the two of you!