how is this poem?

Question

"Eye of the Beholder"

You find a heart's passion
and have a heart's pain.
You sample sweet freedom
and now all is chained.

The Garden of Eden
a hellish abyss.
And Angels of Heaven
a Demon's death kiss.

In darkness a light,
at noon, a shadow.
First, a new life.
Last, only gallows.

ya i woke up in the middle of last night and wrote it down. i can't decide what to make of it, lol.

ok, dondi, no i don't get hung at the end, the whole point of th poem is to show contradictions, paradoxes.
and barry, i like beer too, but that's not the point of the poem either, lol. ty for the humor though.

Answer 1

I like the contrasts, but some editing might improve your poem. For example, there isn't enough antithesis between "find" and "have". Since you're chosen to use verbs in this particular couplet, you need to ensure the dicotomy works at all levels. You could say, "You search for heart's passion, and discover heart's pain", or "You find a heart's passion and lose a heart's pain".

The next phrase has an awkward second half..."and now all is chained"...I suspect you found it difficult to find a rhyme with the right meter that held the image you wanted to create. How about, "You sample sweet freedom by breaking what's chained"? but I still don't like the "chained", so how about "you sample sweet freedom by breaking the chain"?

Next stanza: you should probably mirror the first phrase structure in the second...do this by using another "the" instead of "and" so it reads, "The angels of Heaven". The problem here is that the first line of the phrase reads "the angels of heaven"...so the reader expects the next line to talk about the demons in hell, yet you say "a demon's death kiss". That is not a true parallelism. In fact, "A Demon's abyss" would work better as that last line...but that would mean you need a different second line to the stanza. So, what is the opposite of the garden of Eden? Anything outside the garden...you know, our world. Maybe, "a desert's dry kiss"? Although it sounds like action instead of location, the personification of the desert in the phrase actually makes it a location description, so it might work in this case. you're call.

The next stanza needs a comma after "darkness". "At noon, a shadow" is a little weak, not too bad because we realize that you're striving for the brightest time of day, but it is still a little weak. You might be able to tweak that line a little. The last phrase of that stanza is also weak: "Last, only gallows." This is especially true because "death" is not always synonymous with "gallows"...and "gallows" doesn't really rhyme with "shadow". You could revise the second line of that stanza to read "To exhale, a breath", which would allow the last line to be, "Last, a new death". Again, up to you.

...and keep writing

Answer 2

should have revised in the morn! Hard to understand what is meant by "Demon's death kiss" and why the addressee, "You," vanishes for good after the first stanza! Why d'you etitle it thus? Those shadows and darkness seem to play the cello with light, new life at noon ending up in gallows! That is, the figures of speech appear jumbled even though I admit, you meant them so for particular effects!


good luck

Answer 3

This was terrific for a poem that came to you out of nowhere. You might just have a talent for this, so definitely take advantage. Writing can take you a long way, and turn your life into a success story. That's what i'm hoping happens with me. Nonetheless, your writing was supremely creative and well thought of. Please post more. I'd be glad to offer my honest feedback again. You're great at writing. Definitely keep going. Good writing doesn't need to follow any rules, so let no one discourage you. Keep writing, and you'll be amazed at the great things that will happen for you. Awesome!!

Answer 4

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not always have got to rhyme however it demands to hit my feelings. I suppose readability of expression is essential as good. I do not love to moment wager what I'm studying approximately. I consistently appear for what I time period "poetic gemstones"within the textual content.

Answer 5

I really like it i think its lovely and u should wake up in the middle of the night and write more :) have a wee star

Answer 6

Just remember that "Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder".

Answer 7

Not too bad, not great either.
Question.
Why did you get hung at the end?
or should that be hanged?

Answer 8

Thats a good poem did u write it????