Want To Trash Another Poem (serious critics ignored)?

Question

(It's a few lines too long for the alloted space so please wait for the rest of it to appear in the 'Details' under it before you trash it.)

WISE MEN, INDEED!


Wise, indeed, were those three old farts,
two thousand years ago, I'm told,
who were led by the Star to that
little town.

But when the
Holy Light guided them into
the stable they found Robert and
Joanna holding their child, The
Chosen One.

First with awe,
then amazement, then sad refrain,
the Three Wise Men withdrew (taking
their gold and frankincense) onto
the street to
hold council.

"How can it
be that He
is a She?"
each asked simultaneously.
"The ramifications alone
would set Mankind back ten thousand
years," old Henry replied with
heavy heart.

"Anoint a girl?"

"Girls become
grown women."

"Worry not,"
good Thurman proclaimed, acting the
wisest, "for I have heard that in
a manger down the street a nice
young couple have just been blessed with
a new son.

"So be it,
it is done,"
each of them
agreed with clear conscience and thought.

"Let us go forth and crown Him as
The Chosen Son."

And from on high the Angels cried,
"For this you'll pay. You'll rue this day!"

ObscureB, I knew both Jeff Koons and Dan Quail and you, Sir, are neither. Is this obscure enough for your taste?

Answer 1

Lol "Wise, indeed, were those three old farts."

Answer 2

I don't know if I'm a serious critic, but I like to try to help sometimes. The line "seemingly self-imposed, quite often/ self-inflicted" confused me, because I wasn't sure if you meant that the indifference was self-inflicted, or the deprivation of it. Since "deprived" implies an outside force, I think it refers to the indifference, but it isn't clear. Some of it felt wordy: "the once diminished/ embers of care." Embers are diminished, so it felt repetitive. The problem I have with it (since you asked) is the lack of meter. It felt too chaotic, and the changing structure (four-line stanza to two-line, back to four for awhile, then back to two) added to the chaos. I like ash/ kindled/ flame/ fuel/ ember though-- how you keep the images close together (you lose that toward the end). And I know that meaning is often subjective, but when I read it (especially with the title: From the Ashes of Celestial Debris), I imagined two chunks colliding in space to form new worlds, or maybe the collision that resulted in our Earth being formed, and our moon, so that the two "beat in unison" (the ocean tides/ one revolving around the other), and how the two are "thriving within the rhythm of one/ mated heartbeat." And I liked how the poem worked on that scale and on the human scale-- debris colliding in space, or humans colliding in love. I think the poem has great potential with some revision, and I hope I've helped you some. Edit: in response to the meter: I should have clarified. I see that it is metered by syllable count, but I meant metered by this definition: a systematically arranged and measured rhythm in verse (with an emphasis on the word rhythm). When I read a poem, syllable count doesn't stand out. What stands out is the beat of the words, and reading it felt awkward. I don't care what T.S. Eliot did; it felt wrong here. While you might be able to get away with the 4-2-4-4-4-2 structure or the lack of a solid rhythm, both combined felt like too much to me. But what do I know? I'm a novelist. I hope your ego is still healthy, and that you realize I still like much about your poem. Good luck.

Answer 3

"Jeff? Jeff Koons! Is that you? Where's the tribute to Andy called. He wants you to dig 'im up for another silkscreen portrait!"

Edit: Obscure enough indeed! Hah!

Answer 4

I do not trash art just for the sake of trashing it whether I agree with it theologically speaking or not. If you really want to get responses, post it in R&S (LOL).
Have a great day!

Answer 5

Great poem, I love it---thanks a million for posting it! And the addition is just right too... good job there, o wise one! an lol !!

Answer 6

I think it's delightful! & as I've said, I'm not a sycophant. I love humour, & I truly can't see how anyone who is religious should be offended, IF they have a sense of humour, too.

Answer 7

I love the humor and story told. It's great. No trashing from me!

Answer 8

Oh yeahhhhhh.
Good one,
Rose P.