rate from your mind not your heart?

Question

as i lay in my bed restlessly
not knowing when my mind will give up
about thinking o the long day at work and school
not knowing what time it is
i am truly wrapped around by this lonly night of ours,
winds coming from every direction
bringing their own sorrows,
i ask this night
and the lonely moon
where is my love
that im about to speak of
is she truly there waiting for me
as i am truly here.
...to be continued...
how is this...i know this is horrible
but do i show signs of a poet

Answer 1

Do you show signs of being a poet? Sure potentially. If you keep working at it (that statement is true for me, and just about everyone else).

The sequence that stands out to me here:

i ask this night
and the lonely moon
where is my love


That is interesting writing. I would maybe do one minor tweak to make it more consistent like so:

I ask this night
this lonely moon
where is my love?

I read a lot of poems that I don't see that much in. So, yeah you could develop well. It's all about continuing to write, and working at it.

Best,

Todd

Answer 2

The winds bringing their own sorrows; I like that.
Isn't it interesting how poems aren't really 'written,' they just seem to fall onto the paper. And if, at the moment, u think they are bad and throw them out u can never get them back. My bff is a poet and i tell her that poets are the chosen of the gods. It's a rare talent. Go with it.

Picky picky: Lonely is misspelled or a typo.

Answer 3

Do you show signs of a poet...yes, at times. One of the main things to keep in mind is that poetry "shows", not "tells". For example, you say, "as I lay in my bed restlessly"...that's an example of "telling"...if you say, "As I lay in my restless bed", that's "showing"...because you've created an image instead of telling us what you're doing. When you say, "I ask this night and the lonely moon, "where is my love?"...that's poetry, but I'd drop "that I'm about to speak of" and just continue on with "is she truly there, waiting for me?"...and drop "as I am truly here".

Other things are common mistakes like spelling errors and the incredibly irritating use of the lower case "i" as a personal pronoun...it's "I", capitalized...the lower case "i" is a mark of insecurity, self-loathing, low self-confidence and low self-esteem...don't do it. You poem is not "horrible", but it needs work...most poems do.

just keep writing and editing...better poems will come in time

Answer 4

The middle part is the best. Make a habit of doing spell check especially if you're asking for people to look over your work.

Answer 5

I THINK YOU WROTE A GOOD POEM AND SHOULD REALLY KEEP IT UP...LOTS OF LUCK ....

Answer 6

thats good poetry!