When stupidity runs rapid, and hurts your marriage what can you do to get over it?

Question

been married now 11 years things were great till I spoke to one of my dim witted friends and she told me about the "THRILLS of SEX" and how her husband watches her have sex with other men and all he can do is watch !
She told me it was very liberating to have that much control over her husband and that I should try it with mine.

I ask my husband would it be a turn on and he said would you be turned on if I had sex with another woman and all you could do is watch?

I thought why not and got a him a friend of mines to have sex with with the understanding that all I could do is watch, with a few other rules in place and the "CLEAR UNDERSTANDING" that this was not a favor trade.

He did it and it tore me up inside to watch god why did I listen to the *****? it was the worst feeling I cried everytime I thought about it.

I told my husband that it was never going to happen again and the turn I was to have was not going to happen.

Why did I push this stupidity on our marriage?

My husband feels like garbage because I wanted to try this and his self esteem is quit low now as well so don't blame him it's my doing not his he just properly turned it around on me.

I almost have 12 years in January and need this image to "go away"!
The one thing this has taught me is "you might just get what you wish for" and it ruins your life!

I hope you don't through stones because all the glass in my haouse right now is broken and can't take much more of this!

What can I do to work through this, and save my marriage?

Answer 1

You're right....stupidity ran rampant and you both got hurt in the process; I am encouraged though that you faced this situation together, and you should be too. That means your core union is still intact. I don't have to tell you that every idiotic thing that occurs to your friend to try is not necessarily for you. You know that now with a moral certainty that you didn't fully have before....this is a good thing too. Why? Because you will never be vulnerable to that type of thing again.This was a "sticking your hand on a hot stove" type of lesson; it burned because it was supposed to and you're not likely to ever need a refresher course in this lesson. In this limited context, your pain is a blessing to you and will help you negotiate the next hurdle of temptation some well-meaning friend suggests. So, stop beating yourself up about it...what's done is done. (And you certainly didn't do it alone, because your husband could have easily told you "no", right?) Marriage isn't a power struggle or an association where members jockey for control against each other. It's a sacred partnership, so when you were wounded, you both felt wounded. Again, it hurt because it was supposed to hurt. But as bad as that felt, at the end of the day you've still got each other, and that's worth its weight in gold. If you never knew that before you certainly do now. Take care of each other. Good luck.

Answer 2

Greetings!

Okay, so you have a friend that does something that works for her and her husband. You tried it and obviously it didn't work for you. There are lots of ways I can go with this, but here's what I think will help.

1) What works for OTHER PEOPLE may not work for you. Don't do things just because somebody else does it.

2) WHY did you want to suggest this to your husband in the first place? What about this sounded like a good idea to you? There MUST HAVE been SOMETHING appealing about the idea. What was it? Is your sex life boring? Were you looking for a way to "spice it up"? There are lots of ways of doing that without bringing another sex partner into the mix: videos, sex toys, sensual massage, phone sex with your hubby, etc... none of these things involve bringing other people into your bedroom.

3) What are you REALLY upset about? The fact that you suggested your hubby have sex with someone else? The fact that he actually AGREED to it? The fact that he actually DID IT? The fact that he did it IN FRONT OF YOU? That fact that YOU WATCHED? The possibility that he may have enjoyed it? The possibility that perhaps, you may have enjoyed it too on some level? If you did, that could signal the demise of some of your long-held beliefs about marriage. It could also signal a confirmation of a suspicion that your husband does want other women and not just you. What a damaging blow to one's ego.

4) What can you do to get over it? You may not be ready for this, but here goes.... sit down with your husband and tell him how you really feel about him and your marriage. Tell him how you really feel about your sex life. Ask for what you want during intimacy. Show him how to give it to you. Ask him about his experience with the other woman. Did it give him pleasure? If so, BE HAPPY FOR HIS PLEASURE. If it didn't, then apologize for pushing on him. Remember: if he really didn't want it, he was free to walk away or refuse it. So, on some level, he did want it.

Here's a book that may help you. Read it with your husband. It's a different perspective on love and relationships. It may not be what you want, but I think it does have some helpful ideas on how to deal with your situation.

http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Polyamory-Mystic-Life/dp/0595305415

I wish you Peace.

Answer 3

for some people this works and for some it doesnt. it is one of those things where the thought of it seems like a great idea but when it happens it doesnt work out the way u thought it would. im sure it is a huge emotional crush watchin ur husband have sex with another woman, but you have to reassure him that its not his fault and you still love him and that your not mad at him and that it was a good idea in your head but reality was that it wasnt. if you really want the best you could try going to a counselor to talk about it and maybe you should try going alone for a lil while then bringing him in for couples therapy to try and work around it and heal your marriage. just try to always reassure your husband about the situation and you have to get out of your head that its not his fault and this other woman ment nothin he was just tryin something new for you.

best of luck to you

Answer 4

Get some counseling. It sounds like both you and your husband love each other and want to do what you can for each other.

After you get things right in you mind about things, you may want to read up on how to spice things up in the bedroom with just the two of you. There are many things that two can play at and you will be doing it for each other, like you wanted in the first place.

Answer 5

He had SEX with someone because you asked him to, he didn't cheat on you, did not have an affair, it was SEX not making love. You did something stupid that sounded like a good idea but wasn't- well... if that's the last stupid thing you ever do in your life, you will be way ahead of most of us. And it is your CHOICE if you decide to keep dwelling on it and ruin your marriage- you can choose to let it go and move on. Buck up, learn from your mistake and move on!

Answer 6

I'm not trying to come down on you, but did you not think this thing through? ........ and he had no qualms about having sex with another woman in front of you? The latter really doesn't come as a surprise to me, many men would jump at the opportunity. But my wife asking me something like THAT would fk'n mind boggle me. As far as getting this "vision" from your mind, I'm afraid that's gonna be difficult w/o a labotomy. Sorry luv, this is a tough one.

Answer 7

Clearly, to me, the BEST thing you and he can do is go for marriage counseling to see if you can work through this....it sounds like you don't want to end your marriage over listening and following stupid "advice" just because it sounded "enticing".

Please. Look around...check the phone book....make some calls....I'm *sure* you can find someone who can help you at little or no cost.

Good luck to you and your husband.

Answer 8

WOW... this is a hard one. first of all, why would you listen to your stupid friend??? Now, i can almost bet that your husband is thinking about this "other" woman that he boned. AND it is all your fault. nothing will get the image out of your head.... it;s etched in stone on your skull, and it should be!

how old are you? im 23 and i even know better than that! im not throwing stones... trust me i have enough skeltons in my own closet... but what were you honestly thinking letting ANOTHER women **** your husband was going to do??? make things better????

please!

Answer 9

.You were married 11 year. you talk to one of your best friend her husband has a fantasy when he see other men have sex with her, people have different fantasy so you fantasied if your husband did the same he would like it because he try to please you. and when you saw the man you love making love to another woman it made you mad and you were hurt. because you feel he enjoy it.... it not your friend you should be mad at she just told you her husband like this it turn her husband on. you be wrong she did not made you do this. your husband is conferees. young lady tell your husband your sorry you were doing this this to make me happy please don't be mad at your husband tell your husband I love youI'm sorry for acting like this..... go out to dinner buy him a rose and tell him I love you.... it pay to think about thing. I hope everything will work out ok

Answer 10

First of all, where did you find this so call friend? Did you really check out her relationship before you even consider this? And second stop beating yourself up because all your man had to do was say no way! And so your not alone in this, and please you and your man should get some good counseling to recover and get over it, and both of you find out what put you too, together in the first place! you can recover from this and find a good church to start going to. God will take over and you 'll be fine.