Would you help me with my poem?

Question

Super-Natural
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Bird on a blast of coke
Clear amid all the smoke
Our mutual gaze slows down time
Pass judgment on friend of foe

Ignorant to secrets you hide
Ignorance and bliss as you fly
Maturing our minds is a crime
When slapped and spat on from high

Curiosity sought evolution
Fungus offered solutions
Awareness, a gained compromise
Gave meaning to good and gruesome

Talk spheres to stick men on paper
Old man takes a child and rapes her
The victims are never the wise
Wake now or be put to sleep later

Empowered when blood is spilled
Demons confused with your guilt
Everything returning full circle
When identical life is built

Adolescent humanity grows
Respect and unity flows
Mother is eternally fertile
As only God and I know

I just want some critique to help smooth it out. I want to hear what you like and don't like.

Answer 1

First stanza, change "of" to "or" in last line. Assume stanza is about a girl on coke "and" pot, or with others who are, while the two of you exchange knowing looks that pass judgment.

Second stanza, suggest you change the "and" of the second line to "is", and reverse the word order of "on from" to "from on" in last line. Assume this stanza implies the desire to remain in adolescence rather than grow up under judgment of elders who look down upon and abuse you.

Third stanza, the rhyme fails in this stanza, but assume the stanza itself relates to the use of mushrooms as a way of exploration into psychodelics, where things can be simultaneously good and gruesome.

Fourth stanza, rhyme is back on track and assume the "talk spheres to stick men on paper" is a reference to self-made comics? and an adult who rapes a girl and implores the reader to wake up to reality or risk becoming a victim themselves.

Fifth stanza, rhyme okay, beats a little off, assume it means that the act of rape has empowered the victim with blackmail at her violation, or it could be that she takes revenge on her attacker and in so doing feels empowered, but in any event she is pregnant as a result of the rape.

Last stanza, the last line is a little weak phonetically as it ends without an "s"...but it is near rhyme enough to pass. Assume the stanza refers to the maturation of the girl and how she is able to see past the deed to the love of the child inside her.

This is what I got from the poem...if you meant something else, review where I'm mistaken and revise accordingly if you believe my error will be a common one.

...and keep writing

Answer 2

This is an easy read. Good with a some metaphors that make your offering interesting. It is well written but lacks punctuation. After all even lines, 2, 4, etc there should be a period. Some of the longer odd numbered lines need commas to either enhance and advance the second line,

Your story appears to be drug related. You mention coke and I especially like the way you interpred mushrooms as "fungus". That is a great piece of substitution and fits in nicely and not detrimental to the poem!

Line 6 may need a little re-write with the use of the word "your". As I see it, "your" refers back to the rape and possible death of a girl. If not loose, "your" and replace it with "the". This takes personal identification away from the "crime".

Line 8, the last few words should read "...spat.upon from on high." This gives depth and definition to lines 7 and 8.

If this is your first published missive, I congratulate you! This piece is good but needs punctuation and you need to read as much poetry as you can.. If this is not your first piece let me encourage you to read up punctuation in rhyming poetry. You have a future in writing, I want to see more of your work.

Answer 3

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not always need to rhyme nevertheless it demands to hit my feelings. I feel readability of expression is foremost as good. I do not love to moment wager what I'm studying approximately. I continuously appear for what I time period "poetic gemstones"within the textual content.

Answer 4

it might help if you specified what you need help with...?