what do you think of this poem i wrote?

Question

i wrote it like 3 years ago

my love
why did you have to leave
all alone on the damp tile floor
with memories of you in my head
all i need is to feel your touch again
all you said to me was its over
never an explanation of what i did wrong
you were my entire life
now it seems as if a part of me is missing
but now i have to move on with my life
it will be a very hard journey
when you love someone so very much
a love like this is hard to let go
but i will make it
my love

this is not from personal experience

i wrote it when i was 13

no it wasnt, i still havent had an experience like that and i am 16.

Answer 1

I like it even though its not from personal experience, you make it seem so real

Answer 2

Two things...one, this is prose, not poetry. Why? because it just "tells", there is no "showing" here. There are no metaphors, similes, or other poetic devices at work...it's simply prose chopped into lines to resemble poetry. It doesn't lack feeling, but it isn't poetry. Sorry...but it isn't.

Secondly, as already stated by another responder, the personal pronoun "i" is spelled "I"...with a capital, not a lower case...the lower case "i" implies self-loathing, low self-esteem and insecurity...and it is improper for even this poem. It isn't cute, it isn't humble, it isn't modern, it's just wrong....please avoid doing it in the future..it takes away from an otherwise heartfelt piece.

If you wanted to make your prose poetry, you'd have to dig a little deeper into your soul...you could write, "alone on this dank floor I have nothing to lie on but my memories of you." That is a metaphor...a poetic device, but it's different than saying "alone on this dank floor I have nothing but my memories of you". Do you see the difference? If not, read more poetry, it will come to you.

...and keep writing...poetry develops over time.

Answer 3

good poem for early work, hope you're still writing. i've a few suggestions to pad it out, maybe make it flow and look better perhaps. feel free to completely ignore me though as it is your poem after all.

my love.....
why did you have to leave me?
i'm all alone on this damp tile floor.
sinking to my knees,
as memories of you echo through my head.

all i need is to feel your touch again.
all you said to me was "It's over".
never an explanation of what i did wrong.

you were my entire life
and now it seems as if a part of me is missing.
but i have to move on with my life,
though it will be a very hard journey.

when you love someone so very much,
a love like this is hard to let go.
but i will make it my love
i will make it

Answer 4

Capital I when talking about ones self please,Ok for 16 but lacked the edge of personal experience.

Answer 5

Yes. Its very good and i hope you continue with the writing

The only bit i dont like is line 3. It does not belong as it is.

"all alone........ something" but not "on a damp tile floor"

But hey thats just my opinion

Good luck

Answer 6

Hmm . . .
you say "damp tile floor"

that is not the best line

But it does make me wonder how it got damp

Answer 7

Very nice but I thought a poem had to rime I suppose that they don't anymore.

Answer 8

It's fantastic!!!
Take out the line "it will be a very hard journey," though. Doesn't FIT somehow.

Answer 9

its very well written and emotional I like it you should keep on writing rember the more you write the better you get

Answer 10

Lovely
Bet it was from experience though.