"When I Die" Poem I wrote please read?

Question

When I die will you miss me
Will you remember those times you used to kiss me
Will you think back to long ago
When you and me would play in the snow
Will you want to hold me tight
Like you used to every single night
Will you forget everything I said
Or will you stay up late and cry in bed
Will you try to find someone to blame
Because you know things will never be the same
When I die will you be sad
Or thank God for everything we had?

Answer 1

Not a bad poem, could use some editing though. Agree with Mc Duff on the change of "me" to "I" in line four. You decided to go with rhymed couplets...always difficult to pull off without sounding rhymy or childish...although you did a pretty good job. I think the uneven meter helped in this instance, but it also took away from a more lyric pattern. You might want to look at lines like "like you used to every single night" and either add or subtract beats...so it becomes either "like you used to every night" or "like you used to every single, dream-filled night"...it just sounds off balance the way it is now. Other lines are guilty of this as well. I think you might benefit from having someone read this to you out loud. Don't try to correct them, just listen and take note of those areas that sound unfinished or off balance. Your ear appears to be okay, you just need to refine your poem a little.

keep writing

Answer 2

The flow is actually quite good and most of the ryhme sounds natural. Keep writing and improving.

Answer 3

Your poem really rocks as you are a good poet.Keep writing your good' and put this in a contest...

Answer 4

dude good peom i guess.but it sounds like a 10 yr old could have wrote it.

Answer 5

great job, you should write another. you should also try to enter that one into a poem contest

Answer 6

4th line change "me" to "I"

decent poem-- nice flow. >;0}

Answer 7

very gd, kept working

Answer 8

wow
very good