hello all you good people?Ive been very down?

Question

mum went in yesterday to a lovely nursing home we have been so tearfull and sad we have to stay away for a week till she settles the owner has been on the phone to say she has settled in very well,as you all know she has dimentia,and is enjoying the company and the staff this is a two week break with the veiw to long term care I am hurting and so is my husband as we have lived with her and looked after her for 15 years and more ,although we want the best for mum ,take care everyone, and thanks to all who reply?

Answer 1

Blessings to you and your husband, reggie. You've done an amazing job in caring for your mother for so long. It's totally different to raising someone from a young age, as I'm sure you know.

Part of what you're going through right now is the grieving process. It's almost as though you've lost something/someone that you'd become used to over the years. I don't mean lost your mother. She's still there. I mean you've lost the day-to-day routine and all that entailed. The guilt that people are referring to is the questioning of yourselves as to whether you could have done more ... what if we'd done this, what if we'd have done something different, what if we'd noticed earlier, what if ...

Let me tell you, dementia is a cruel disease. It never touches people in exactly the same way, so there's no way you could have foreseen what was going to happen, or when it was going to happen. You should commend yourselves for doing as much as you did, and for as long as you did.

The facts are, if you'd continued looking after your mother for longer, you might have ended up needing caring for yourself. I say this with the benefit (?) of seeing what it's done to others in a similar situation to yourselves.

As you are no doubt aware, caring for someone with dementia is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week, 365 day a year task. This means that you're not able to switch off and relax for yourselves. There's always something going on in your mind such as are the doors secure? Can mom get out? What about the windows? etc. etc.

The advantage of your mother moving into a residential home, be that a Part III home (elderly person's home) or a specialist EMI (elderly, mentally infirm) unit is that there are staff there 24 hours a day. I must add that it's a misconception that staff are sure to have done training in caring for dementing clients/people/patients. What I would say is that, generally, the people who work in residential homes have a caring aspect to their persona. Of course, that can't be true in every person's case, otherwise we wouldn't hear of scandals that go on.

I don't know if you're religious or not but the comment from the clown who says it proves there's no god is absolutely wrong. It does nothing of the sort.

Although there are different views on whether relatives should stay away whilst the sufferer 'settles in' is debateable, it's not something that I, personally, subscribe to, and I never advised that of relatives in the home I ran. I'm sure the manager of the home where your mother has gone has their own views on this. I am glad the owner, or manager, has been on the phone to let you know how well your mother is settling in. That, at least, shows that there's some caring going on, both for yourselves and your mother. (If you wish to hear what I have to say about 'staying away' just drop me an email and I'll explain why my thoughts differ from some ... but agree with others.)

The good news is, you'll be able to see for yourselves, when you visit your mother, just how settled she really is. You'll be able to see if she's made friends, or see if she's upset about being away from you. What I would say is that even if she cries when you see her, don't automatically think that she's not settled. It may be the sudden realisation that she hasn't seen you around for a while, and realises that she's missed you.

I have no doubt that you'll have already noticed some of the members of staff, and how they care for their residents/clients/patients. What I'd advise is making an effort to speak to as many members of staff as you can ... and not just the care staff. Speak to the domestic staff, the cook, the handyperson, etc. and see what their impression is, both of the place, and the standard of care. Obviously, you're going to have to look behind what they're saying upfront as they're unlikely to want to criticise the place that's given them a job. I think you get my drift here. You'll find that if you're allowed free access to different members of staff, rather than being pointed in the same direction each time that there's nothing to hide.

If the place doesn't turn out quite what you expected don't be disillusioned. Places that have something to hide will do their best to hide them. Just make sure that it's somewhere that you feel you're getting the best deal. Are they providing what you expected of them, and is it to a standard that you would expect for yourself?

I wish both yourselves and your mother the very best of luck, and a settled future.

Take care.

Answer 2

hi, i worked with elderly people who have had dementia for 16 years. it is a very cruel illness. what you are experiencing is guilt. everyone who has someone go into the care of others feel the same at some point. i think its fantastic you have cared for your mum for such a long time and will have done an excellent job. But, don't feel bad if your mum is happy she will be fine, she wont want you worrying about it. your mum would want you to live your life and be as happy as possible before the dementia and that wont have changed at all for her. she will be ok in the home , most places have stimulating activities on a daily basis to keep her busy and she will make new friends. it will be hard to begin with for you both but it will get easier. you can always take her to yours for a day and visit her all the time. I think you deserve a break from caring as it can be a very upsetting experience watching someone become more forget full. you enjoy your life its what your mum will want you to do. i hope this helps xxx

Answer 3

I hope all goes well and she does settle down
it's probably the best thing in the long run the staff there should be trained in that kind of care and will make her life more rewarding plus she has the other people in the home to relate to
it will also give you and you're husband some well deserved rest and peace of mind knowing she is being cared for by professionals
i looked after my grandmother along with my mother we took it in turns fo 5 years and she done a lot better when she went into a home
good luck and best wishes

Answer 4

Im sure you do really miss her and feel guilty about her being in the nursing home. You musnt feel down about it you know, you have both done so much for her and if you are happy with the home i'm sure she will settle in there with no problems. You have dedicated 15 years to her care and now its time to let someone else take the strain. You can go see her often when shes settled and you and your husband can now have a break and enjoy life. She wouldnt want it any other way I'm sure, cos shes your mum and she loves you.

Answer 5

hi Reggie ....so your mum is now in a home ..and you probably feel guilty ..if as you say you have looked after the lady for years and she is suffering from dementia ..then there is a good chance that she cant really remember who you are .all she knows is that there are a lot of happy people trying to help her and are constantly fussing around her and giving her all this attention ..it seems to me you guys have done your bit ..I'm sure you would have checked out this home before you let your mum in there ..so don't worry ..start living again I'm sure that's what your mum would want if she could tell you

Answer 6

You have done fantastically well to look after your Mum all that time. I realise you feel bad about having to put her into care. But actually there comes a time when people with dementia need care of a different kind. You can now be more rested and more of a support to her in your visits. Bliddy well done. x

Answer 7

I think this will now take a lot of strain off your relationship,your mum sounds as though she is in good hands, and you have both done your best for her.Now will come the feelings of guilt,this is normal and will fade with time.Good luck for the future, only those who have been through this themselves, can possibly know what you have both had to contend with.My blessings for your future.

Answer 8

I know it can be really hard to put someone you love in the hands of another person to take care of. Just know that she is safe and being taken care of. Dementia is something that is really hard on a family because things can change so quickly when it comes to there moods. I know how much this is bothering you but you will be able to visit and she knows that you love her and you'll be there to visit. Keep pictures in her room so that she knows your there. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and hopefully they will find a cure for this disease.

Answer 9

know the feeling my grandad lived with me mum for 15 years
he is a very ill man he got cancer he in hospital me mum want to bring him home but she not sure so my her art goes out to u
keep your chin up

Answer 10

I continually say hi. i attempt to be friendly to anybody, and that i do no longer choose for to look impolite or caught up by ignoring them. often times I purely get a grimy look or a nod or they act taken aback I stated hi lol. maximum persons i detect smile and say hi or how are you.