Please answer if you have legal experience or divorce experience only?

Question

I am in the process of divorce. My ex and I are battling about him seeing the boys. I have to beg him to get them. He use to do it all the time. Now with the new girlfriend and things he just doesnt. This weekend was his weekend and he told me that he had to work. Come to find out, the girlfriend was having a fit to have time with her and her child. How important it is that he spends time with her son. What about my boys...its their dad, they were here first. My mom keeps telling me that I need to argue in the divorce. I need to make it a point that he doesnt make his weekends bacause of the girlfriend. I already have my 5 year old in therapy because he acts out everyttime he comes back from there and says he isnt going back, dad has a new family. I try to explain that when they come there they do need sometime with dad alone since they are onyl 3 and 5. He has only been with this girl for 2-3 months and they are living together. That was haed enough for hte boys to handl

and now they feel like they need to compete. Their dad and I argued about that to because I felt like they needed to spend more time with her and her son before he moved in. I tod him that I am not the one who wanted to get a divorce, he was and He is the one who handed the kids over noting that his career didnt allow him to have them full time as a paramedic. So done get angry with me if things have to go slower for him because of that. He laughs when I tell him our son is in trouble at school almost everyday, hes says kids will be kids...NO He is very sad and loaded with angry. He needs stability from his dad. What should I do here. I dont want to take them away from their father but He needs to start thinking of them more and what she wants Just a little less. I dont want my kids there if she holds antamocity against them, they need love not envy

I dont know who the guy is that made the nasty answer as though I am being so awful, but sir I must add, when it comes down to being between myself and the girlfriend THEY ARE MY KIDS, mine and his, second, can you read, I said that I am not keeping them from him att his point, he is not showing up for the visitations, and yes I do have say in what they do when they leave here, I am the parent to. I am trying to be a good person here as my attorney has told me that I do not have to let them go until there is a court order because we are equal in custody rights, law enfocement cannot even get involved without a court order, I dont know who hurt you but you need to redirect your anger to the one who hurt YOU

Why are people taking this as me being jealous or in love...am I wrong to worry about this...their dad has introduced them to 4 girlfriends and it is affecting them....I am getting calls from my sone Kindergarten teacher about the horrible things he says about his dad, yet I keep on saying to him that daddy loves him. I refuse to argue with their dad when they are around I dont know what else I can do...I am worried about my kids and thats it....I will admit that I am bitter to see him give to his girlfriend of three months and her son what he would never give to us at the expense of our kids time with him

PLease also bare in mind that he has not called them in 13 days and when I tried to call him the other day for them, he told me they were out and conner (her son) was playing he woulod call back, and he didnt. You are damn right I am bitter

Answer 1

Divorce is a difficult process for both the parties and their children. As the custodial parent, you are face with a much more difficult role. You need to keep a "chipper" face for your children, while caring for them and processing the grieve related to the lose of your marriage.

Your ex is now involved in the earlier stages of a new relationship. He is caught up in the fun, excitement and relative ease of a new beginning. He is probably experiencing much the same emotions and feelings he did toward you when your relationship with him began. He wants to please his new girlfriend and spend as much time with her a possible. Typically, when people start a new relationship, they jump in and let everything else go for a while. But like all new relationships, he has not yet seen who she really is or what he is sacrificing to be with her. Hopefully, when the initial "fantasy" stage wears off, your ex will be redirected to his responsibilities and will spend more quality time with the children.

As the custodial parent, most states require you to "encourage" a relationship with the noncustodial parent. By encouraging this relationship, you should try to get the kids to call their father and when possible to spend time with him. If the children resist your encouragement, you still need to try. Because, in most, states young children can not decide if they are going to spend time with the other parent. The Courts uniformaly make young children go for visitation unless there is some risk to the children's physical safety.

In most states, you cannot "force" by Court order or otherwise, a parent to exercise visitation. All you can do is make it available to him. I would not demand or nag him to take the children for visitation. If he chooses to not see the children, then he is hurting his future relationship with them and there is nothing you can do about that. Furthermore, when he has the children, you cannot tell him how to exercise his visitation or with whom he and the children spend their time. That is a choice that he must make and if the children are unhappy or uncomfortable, he must deal with that consequences.

Encouraging the relationship with the father, also means, that you will not berate their dad or say disparaging remarks about the other woman to the children. It is their father's responsibility to explain that situation. You must act with dignity and remain silent about this situation in front of your children. That is not to say that you can't be angry...you can be just not around your children. How you act, during this difficult time will be teaching your children a valuable lesson--that is, how to behave when things are bad or difficult. Teach your children to act respectfully and with dignity.

Keep being a loving and nurturing mother, and only worry about how your relationship is with the children. If things do not improve within a few months, consult an attorney about your opinions. Well meaning friends, cannot give you sound legal advice unless they have a law degree.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

It sounds like he in't really fighting for custody, you're just trying to keep him involved and he's violating your verbal or legal visitation agreement. If that's right, first, I'm sorry, you can't keep him involved in their lives anymore than you can try to hold the marriage together. Second, you've probably already done this, but if not, keep a paper trail, preferably in one of those calendar books/binders (it's small and contains EVERYTHING).

This IS tremendously hard for the boys because they feel replaced and often invisible and obviously can not understand why. You said your 5 year old is in counseling - have his therapist write up a summation/evaluation explaining your 5-year olds issues AND make sure he/she is willing to testify in court should the need arise. * Nothing worse than a doc who will write a generic letter and then not show up in court.

I've worked on many divorce cases, had two in the family, several friends go through them and I'm still taking notes on how people act and the tactics they use.

Your boys need stability, if their father won't give it to them now, I seriously doubt he will later and doesn't need to traumatize them any longer. Time to move on as best as you can.

My best to you.

Answer 3

I mediate divorces and I wish I could give you an answer that would solve your problem, but I can't. You are going through what millions of parents have experienced and you are doing all the right things. Do not build up your child's expectations about visitation. Keep him in therapy. Don't try to force visitation from your soon-to-be ex. Get the therapist ready to testify that visitation is hurting your son because of the inconsistency. I would suggest your only course of action is to go on the offensive and move to terminate visitation. Don't worry about winning that motion--but file it to get the issue before the judge. I say this with sorrow, but you cannot solve this problem. At this time your son would be better off never seeing his dad instead of the uncertainty. That's not going to happen, but you can demand the father enroll in and complete parenting classes. Demand that he meet with your son's therapist. Ask your attorney to tell the judge how the visitation is hurting your son. Finally--DO NOT even follow my advice without consulting your son's therapist.

Answer 4

You should work on getting an alternative male role model in their life. (Uncle, Grandfather, other family member, or perhaps finding someone for yourself.) Then you would not worry about this as much. Your child does not need therapy, but he does not need forced to go there if he does not want to. He is angry at the father because he blames the father, since the father is no longer living there with you guys. This usually happens and you may be unknowingly helping the situation as well.

New relationships should never come before children, but you should give him a break on this. Yes, bring it up in court, but only if it advantages you and your situation--not for revenge on anything. Everything happening to you is normal.

It sounds like you may still have feelings for this person (your ex) and you are also jealous of his new situation, so you may be sort of using your children for the purpose. Face that. Sorry to be harsh, but it happens all the time. You may think you hate or are over this person, but what they do apparently effects you. You can't force someone to be there devotedly all the time to his kids, or to put his life on hold. Plus, in order to keep his new relationship going, he has to make compromises and some new adjustments. You will be making compromises too when you get into a new relationship.

Also, you should be thankful that he is not fighting you for custody and that he is not TOO involved or you would be in the opposite situation and fighting for your kids.

If it is his weekend, and he has to work, then offer to drive them there when he is off. Or offer to have them go the next weekend. Big deal. But if the kids don't want to go there, and the father has to work, why force the issue? Get another person to fill in. Have them stay at their grandparents for the weekend, or their uncles, cousins, etc. Or even make the weekends special between you and your children. Rent movies, order pizza, go somewhere different. LOTS of kids don't want to go to their other parent for their visitation, that is normal. That does not mean they need therapy.

ALSO-he will regret all of this in the future when he is the one who desires a relationship with his kids.

You should still be thankful that it is not the other way around and that he is not too involved. If he gets married, that gives him another advantage to getting the kids against you if he gets a good lawyer. He can claim you were bitter and using the kids to get to him. He can claim he has a more stable lifestyle with a two parent home. Good lawyers and money can get you anywhere. If he marries a wealthy woman who wants to 'help', you could be in trouble. You think about this and be thankful for it.

BTW-counting the days and getting emotional about a missed weekend is kind of showing your true feelings.

Answer 5

Well, anybody can sue anybody for any reason. So you can be sued. But, since there was no prior agreement, a judge will likely use "the reasonable man's standard" in determining who is right. This is a rule where in absense of a written agreement, right or wrong is determined based on what would the reasonable man would do in the circumstances. A problem is, there is no clear definition of what reasonable man is.... I am *guessing* A reasonable man will not mow somebody else's yard without a permission and without a promise of pay. A reasonable man will not wait few months to demand payment. but, I am also thinking, A reasonable man will not allow someone to mow his yard for free. A reasonable man will stop person(s) from mowing his yard once he observes this in progress. I am guessing he is likely to declear the suit is meritless and dismiss the charges. By the way, I AM NOT A LAWYER.

Answer 6

First of all, let me say I am sorry for what you are going through. I am in my 6th month of Divorce and my wife will not let me see my stepdaughters. Even though I am not there natural parent, I love them dearly. I havent seen them in 6 months. Anyways, use the courts to your advantage, file for support, more custody rights, and even get a restraining order is he continues to be a asshole. The top priority is the kids. They do not need to see this behavior, it is damaging. Never talk bad about their father to them or around them, that damages them also. I hope things work out, and dont worry about the others putting you down, you just do the best you can and provide for your children... Ok!?

Answer 7

I'm divorced (father of one son from that marriage) and I can tell you only one thing as my opinion:

Never, NEVER tell your children how you feel about the way your ex is behaving. For their sake, just show them your love, and tell them your ex loves them also. Let them learn on their own, let them develop their own awareness of the situation.

Hopefully, your ex will read this and learn from it.

(added note) The writer below suggested a male role model to fill in. I agree with that and suggest the Big Brothers program. I know a Big Brother volunteer helped me immensely when I was a young boy living with my divorced mother and my brothers sisters.

Please check out the Big Brothers program, see where it goes: http://www.bbbs.org

Answer 8

Sounds to me like you aren't the one who is keeping the boys from their father. He is the one who is keeping himself from them. As unfortunate as that is and he may possibly regret it later, it is an all to common scenario. I would quit pushing for visitation if the boys are as upset by it as you claim. It just may be not worth it. Keep them in counselling and perhaps if the struggle associated with seeing their dad in his new family is eliminated, it might actually help them. Then, later, when they are older (or dad moves on from the current flavor of the week) they might be able to forge a relationship with him, or not. Many kids, even boys, do just fine without a man in their lives, especially if the man isn't interested in having them there.

Answer 9

You cant force somebody to do something they dont wanna do, for whatever reason.....but what you can do, is CYA, and your boys. Go after the most child support you can get, and then some. This will have its own chain-reaction, down the road. Havin' to listen to her bit^hin, everytime he has to write you a check, will take its toll. And if he dont dump her, stops payin you....dont hesitate to haul his @ss back to court for non-payment. You dont need an attorney for that, you already have the order.....focus on your life, w/ your boys.......

Answer 10

I do not know what is the stage of your battle. But I understand you must have reasons behind your marriage. So, if you can save your marriage it will solve all of your worries.

You go straight to your husband and talk to him frankly and I believe he will also understand. God bless you. I will not in favour of breaking the marriage if you can save it.