What must I do?

Question

I am 6 years married now with a 7 year-old kid. I got married at such an early age, 19.
So here is my problem...
I fell out of love and wanted an escape out of the relationship. But I couldn't because of my daughter and my husband loves me very much and doesn't want to let me go. So I tried to rediscover my feelings with my husband but nothing happens. We are still living together but nothing is actually happening to us. I mean, we are not active in terms of sexual aspect. I just can't do it with him anymore. We have been like this for almost two years.
I just want to clarify my situation, I am not in love with somebody else... I just fell out of love. What must I do?

Answer 1

There isn't anything that you MUST do, but if your husband is loving and attentive to your needs, you have a lot more going for you than a lot of people do. Even if you aren't "in love" with the chap, that does not mean that you can't have a fulfilling and fun relationship with him. And depriving yourself of the joys of sex is rather silly.

Answer 2

No matter what age you were when you married, you have to realize that love changes, marriage change, and individuals change as time goes on. Nothing stays the same and sex changes the most. There will come a time when sex means nothing at all to you or to him. You are lucky in the sense that this many says he still loves you and he does not want to let you go. You have a child to consider in this relationship, and I would suggest you stay with this man and try to work out your problem - obviously you have the problem. Remember that divorce is forever but your husband will ALWAYS be the father of that child. He will be in your life whether or not you like it - and unless you intend giving him the child you will have to share custody which is so hard for the child. Why don't you give the marriage a little more time and maybe the trend toward loose relationships and sex gratification will change toward solid marital ideals again. This whole world is so mixed up about these things and I think many of us have forgotten what life, marriage, and family really means.

Answer 3

I'd be grateful if I had your life. Loving husband and daughter. Are you sure that it's you "falling out of love" or in the situtation that you are simply in desparate need for some space for some fresh air? And that when you've had your breath of fresh air, that you are ready to return to your family? Why don't you just take a week or so off to reflect? I'm sure that once you are on your "time-out", you will see there are 2 people who are desparately have the need for you at home and that you desparately need them too. By the way, take a copy of Chicago's "Hard to say I'm sorry". Listen to the poignant lyrics carefully....it goes something like this:

Everybody needs a little time away
I've heard her say
From each other

Even lovers need a holiday oooh
Far away from each other...

Good luck. I know you will make the right choice.

Answer 4

Falling in love comes naturally, but staying in love is a choice. As relationships grow, love changes. The passionate/romantic love we once knew becomes something deeper and well...less exciting, which can be interpreted as a loss of love. I don't know if that applies to you, but I sense you do have an ounce of love left for your husband, otherwise you would have already left him regardless of how he feels about you. The fact that you considered his feelings tells me that the love isn't completely dead yet. At least there is something left to rekindle, no matter how small. Even a campfire grows from a little spark, right?

Don't worry, you're not the only one in this world who has experienced this. Talk to a counselor or a good friend who can give advice without passing judgement.

Take care.

p.s. I got married at 19 too (hubby was 18 at the time) and we will be celebrating 12 years of marriage next March. :)

Answer 5

Sorry to hear about your problems. You did marry too young! Right now you should be single, traveling, dating 20 guys at once, just having fun! But you are married and have a child. Try to get counseling and fix the problems you have with your hubby. Do it for your kid. If that doesn't work, never fight in front of your kid, respect your husband so that your child sees that and go your separate ways. Getting married at 19 is definately a MASSIVE ERROR, 30 is a perfect age.

Answer 6

I agree with RHSaunders completely.

Maybe you shouldn't try so hard to force a change in the way you feel. I know you married young but if you have a good and loving man, you have a lot. If your husband knows how you feel - and he must, if you haven't had sex for a long time, maybe the two of you should consider marriage counselling.

It's not just you anymore. You're part of a family. That's not to be discarded lightly. And at one time you felt "in love" with him. That stuff comes back.

Answer 7

Sounds like my first marriage. Children sense things, and people that use children for non-divorce is a copout, my ex-husband and I are twice the parents now than when we were married, our children have more of our focus instead of unhappiness, actually I am now remarried and also, still have our focus. When I was still married, I felt like, he's was a friend or relative, and I can't see people staying together for the sake of feelings, time heals, and again, at some point, your feelings WILL become obvious to not only your child but your husband and possible lead to "outside comfort" and one thing needs to be finished before another is started or more than hurt feelings will be involved.

Answer 8

Fell out of love? I suppose you think that you fell in love. I think you were infatuated with your husband. You were young and probably thought getting married would be wonderful. You now have a husband that loves you very much and a small child that loves you. You ask what must I do? Only you can answer that question. I think you already have made up your mind and now want confirmation.

Answer 9

Well, staying in a marriage just for the kids is never wise. Kids pick up on that behavior. You have some choices. You could go to counseling--marriage and individual. The other options are to separate or you could try to relive what attracted you to your husband, but don't just live with it "for the children's sake". How you and your husband treat each other will play a big part in your children's future relationships.

Answer 10

I can almost bet that your parents warned you about all of this "too soon" thing with a child and marriage. Depending on how happy you want your child to be and you - I would suggest counseling, probably a minister at your Church would help you and it is usually free. I have been married 34 years and there of course are trials and tribulations in all relationships. I believe you need to try to work it out so all are happy and a counselor (professional, not us on the web) should be able to help you and your family. FAMILY

Answer 11

In love with him or not, you have to consider the needs of your child above all else. This does not mean that I'm saying "DON'T GET A DIVORCE!" This just means that there is a little person here you have to consider before you make such a drastic change to their lives. If you are unhappy and you really feel you can't work things out, then you need to do something about it, but please please please don't forget your child in the process. So many parents do that when they divorce - just keep your child's welfare above your personal feelings for your ex, and they will be okay in the end.