My bf & I live together 3 yrs now, I act as though I am married to him, but financially everything is seperate he recently has asked me to fit him into my budget, since he takes care of the living stuff, his house I still live out of boxes, the electric and phone, I take care of the groceries for two weeks, I work at a hospital for 12 hr shifts at 830 at night I get home. we dont see each other much he works at night he questions my schedual seems like he wants me to work more hours. I dont understand this it seems to me as though he doesnt want to see me he always reminds me he is single but that he loves me and swears he isnt seeing any one and all but when i open the door for disscussion to talk about my concerns he tells me his love for me and he doesnt want me to go so this all confuses me and I dont really know what he wants today he said were roomates and boyfriend & girlfriend I want more of a solid commitment
2007-09-07 18:44:07 · 15 answers · asked by laura w 2 in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
because i say the commitment word he think it means I wanna get married and then he freaks out and says he'll neverget married again, i dont have to marry him I just wanna know that I a deemed very special to him and even want to do nice things for him, example I work 12 hrs a day and when we are together, at night I rub his back he just likes it he relaxes, but one night I was exhausted I asked him to massage my feet, he said boy that sounds like it would be a nice thing to do nah I m not gonna do that well one thing out of my relationship i have gotten is I think he is selfish
2007-09-07 18:49:52 · update #1
Tell him straight up, that you either want a commitment or out. I know that sounds harsh but if he has enough feelings for you to do the commitment then great, but if he doesn't I'm sorry you are living a one sided relationship. He is nothing more than a roommate that is looking to get some action when its convenient for him. If the only time he says I love you is when you are even mentioning leaving or your unhappiness he is only saying it out of selfish reasons. Sorry to sound harsh but from my experience its true.
2007-09-07 18:49:29 · answer #1 · answered by JJ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down with him and have a discussion about where your lives are going. Ask what does he want, what are his aspirations and dreams. Then share what you would like. What are your dreams and goals? Separate the financial discussion from the aspirations/goals of where your lives together are going.
Have a separate discussion about finances if that is an issue. You can keep track of expenses and split things down the middle or some other way if there is a big difference in your incomes. Your question is unclear about alot of these details. It would still be reasonable for the two of you to split all expenses - utilities, groceries, etc.. and then for you to contribute something for rent/help with the mortgage.
One thing that is an issue to me is that you live in his house but out of boxes - sounds like you don't really have space there. I would use this as a first discussion - if you've been there 3 years and have not unpacked and have some separate space within the house for you. Then there is an issue.
The key is that you have two discussions to have that are different and should not be mixed up. You should also take some time and ask yourself what you want out of this relationship since it is not progressing the way you hope (I'm reading between the lines on that).
Your other details comments raise more issues. I would agree with lots of the other people. Figure out what you want, have a conversation and then you might have to draw a line to move on.
2007-09-08 02:00:30 · answer #2 · answered by jimmyp 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why don't you see if the two of you would agree to meet with some type of relationship counselor.
Not to ***** and complain, but to determine if you two have a communication problem
Three years is a long time to just toss away IF there is really something between you two.
He may just be some blockhead that didn't realize the importance of the "foot massage".
I'll bet that you haven't explained [without blame] what you've written here re: importance of showing mutual care as you've translated in the "back rub/foot massage" story.
You might even copy exactly what you've written here about this instance and ask if he'll talk about it.
this is the best answer I can give you
and sometimes guys just don't know "how" to open up
2007-09-08 02:03:33 · answer #3 · answered by B C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said "he doesn't want to get married again". That is the key to this whole thing. He was hurt once before and is afraid to make the same mistakes again. He doesn't know how to deal with it yet, or know how to trust a woman yet. If you love him a lot you need to let him heal from his past and you need to prove to him that you are trustworthy and patient and indeed in love with him. I think the fact he would not be willing to rub your feet is either he doesn't like feet as many people don't, but more likely he doesn't want to feel controlled by a woman. He needs to heal from his past relationship and that can take a while. He just may not be ready yet. You either have to be patient and willing to prove your "worthiness" for a while or move on with your life. Only you can make that choice. He sounds hurt to me.
2007-09-08 02:02:24 · answer #4 · answered by Sheriff of Yahoo! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you want more of a solid commitment, then you need to find a man who is willing to commit to you. This one isn't.
Next time, don't live with the guy, just date him. When he's ready to commit to you, he should present you with an engagement ring and ask you to marry him, not be your roommate and be boyfriend and girlfriend.
What I'm saying may sound old-fashioned, but there are reasons for those traditions. It forces the guy to decide whether he really wants to commit to you or not. The living together thing gives him the opportunity to have sex with you while still "keeping his options open."
A man who is worth having will go to the trouble of saving up for a ring to prove he is serious and responsible. Asking you to marry him takes REAL commitment.
In short, lose this guy and find a real man.
2007-09-08 02:00:07 · answer #5 · answered by ? 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
something is wrong here.
what i dont know .He may be manipulative and domineering .
He might be cheating .
What ever you do gather info first . Maybe he is full of heartache and needs to push you away .
Maybe he is just an @sshole . Take a day off without telling him . Dont spy on him but come home unannouced and say honey they gave me time off at work so i came home and see how he reacts .
2007-09-08 01:59:07 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He sounds flaky to me. Too indecisive about things. Why does he want you to work more hours? You should try it on your own. At least try the relationship without living together for awhile. But I don't think it'll work, he's too flaky it seems. You obviously have your doubts, I sense your gut tells you that it just isn't right. If so, your gut is probably correct.
2007-09-08 01:53:46 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Indicative of what you can expect in the future with the boy. His idea of a relationship is not yours and he isn't going to change.
And no... you cannot change him for the better of you two. We men do not change. We will only, and this is only if we HAVE TO!
Sounds to me like he doesn't have to change and he isn't going to change for you. He doesn't have to .
So make a decision. Do you want to stay in this relationship this way or do you think you deserve something better? Then act on your decision.
2007-09-08 02:07:44 · answer #8 · answered by the old dog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are probably wasting ur time with this guy. doesn't sound like he wants to or is ready to commit to you. he's probably never going to want marriage so you should get out now on your own and find a real man who isn't immature and afraid of commitment.
2007-09-08 01:50:41 · answer #9 · answered by sO.:.iN.:.LOvE 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Depends on your age, some people just aren't ready to commit.
2007-09-08 01:47:40 · answer #10 · answered by Median 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋