Is it risky to take an ex-wife back?

Question

I've been divorced for four years now. Prior to the break up and ending up in a sour note, I raised this question from my ex-wife. My question was: "In the event we divorce and the time will come when we will reconcile, I will only ask you one question. And that question entails: Have you slept with another man or had casual sex with other men during our separation." Naturally any educated person could anticipate the woman would not divulge the truth -- e.g. she had been intimate with another person. And to the women reading this article would raise the question to me: "How would you know if your ex-wife was telling the truth or not." Naturally if my ex's response was "yes" she would jeopardize her chance of reuniting with me. Or is this type of speculation would be better to remain unanswered. Yes it is possible that my ex-wife MIGHT practice abstince during the four year separation. Sincere replies only please. Thanks

Answer 1

Four years of being divorced is quite a long time, and as far as either of you are concerned, after the divorce you are both free people. I think you are being unreasonable in expecting that your ex wife would have remained celebant. Maybe the reason your wife wants to come back to you is the fact that she has been in a relationship with someone else and realised that she should not have divorced you in the first place. Sometimes it takes something like that to make an ex spouse realise that they made the biggest mistake of their life by letting their spouse go in the first place. I think you would be putting undue pressue on both of you by asking that question. I also think it shouldnt matter whether your ex has been intimate with someone else......all that should matter is that you love her and she loves you. The only thing you need to get clear in your mind is if you think the both of you have changed enough so as the mistakes of the past will not be repeated. Maybe, even before you make a decision whether you want your ex wife back, both of you should enter into counselling just to make sure you are both making the right decision.......at least that way, you both will be able to air your grievances and the reasons you thought the marriage failed in the first place in a "safe" environment with an unbiased counsellor helping you make the decision of whether you should form a relationship with each other or not. I think asking her whether she had sex with someone else would be putting her into a position of lying.....especially if she has realised her mistake and wants to try again on your marriage. You need to decide if you love your ex wife enough to try again. You have a lot of thinking to do....good luck.

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

It is totally possible she practiced abstince in that time. Did You???? The question should go both ways. But you or she should not expect each other to be alone after the divorce. You are not thinking that she was pining away for you all that time, are you? Why would she not tell you the truth? Would you want to start another relationship with her based on lies. A separation is much different than a divorce. So if it was a separation then I can understand your need and want for the info. If you divorced her it is none of your business

Answer 4

Yes it's probably best to let this type of speculation remain unanswered.

If you guys want to reconcile & you both know you're going to remain faithful to one another - and more importantly, there are no skeletons in the closet that could risk your future relationship I'd say give it a chance.

But really what made you two go through a divorce to begin with? And if you reconcile, does it mean getting married again or just living together? Be careful in this situation. I'd suggest getting some good counselling for sometime before you get back into your relationship. There could be some things that tear you two apart again if they are not resolved.

Answer 5

I'm not clear on whether you are separated or divorced but I think after 4 years it hardly matters. My thought is this:

It is completely irrelevant if she has been with anyone or not during your separation. And it should not be the main event for you either.

If you are considering reconciling with your ex, the real issue should be whether or not you have both addressed whatever the issue was the first time ... that means a complete post-mortem of your relationship and has nothing to do with whether she had sex with anyone during your 4 year separation.

Answer 6

To be honest with you, I don't see why your one question is even relevant. Are you in love with her body or with her as a person. If you love her for the woman she is, you would take her back without regard for her having had physical intimacy with someone else, during your seperation. She probably did before she met you the first time and you wanted her then. It also sounds like you have a very controlling mentality and a "I told you so" attitude. You told her in the beginning you were going to ask her this. You still have alot of hurt pride and ego going on, if you're still carrying that around. If you want this to be successful, you need to forget that and start fresh. If you go into it with that kind of attitude, you will doom it before it starts. The point is, forget about the stupid stuff like that. If you love her and want her back, stop asking her questions like that. Accept her as she is and live a good life together. Goodluck.

Answer 7

During 4 years of a divorce you have to ask? And if you loved her enough to want to reconcile, just theorizing like you, why would you even ask? It would be wise for the 2 of you to discuss getting tested prior to having unprotected sex. Just assume that she and any other woman her age has had sex before with someone other than you. Does that mean you won't have sex with any other woman ever again? You divorced her, man, she moved on, you didn't?

Answer 8

She has the right to have sex with other men if you're not together. If you're trying to make amends and get back together then you may have to deal with the fact that she has had other partners. She has the right to have a healthy sex life and not wait for you. I think it is quite immature to say, well if you've had sex in the past 4 years then we can't be together. Thats not what is important here. Do you love each other or not?? If you dont get back together and you find someone new, chances are they will have had sex in the last 4 years too, so what difference does it make??????????

Answer 9

For starters, if you're divorced then she (and you) can sleep with whoever she wants. She doesn't have to be abstinent any more then you do.
Next, what right do you have to ask her such a question?There was a reason you all divorced, and I think you need to stay divorced if you're thinking this way.

And sorry but I would answer "yes" whether I had or not just so I could stay WITHOUT you.

Answer 10

Does that mean that you have practiced abstinence? If you were separated then it should not matter. You were both free to do as you pleased. Read the book "It's called a break up because it's broken" and find someone else. So I'm confused you want her to lie to you in order to be with you?