I am 22. been with the same guy for almost 6 years now. He has a 6 year old daughter (almost 7) who I have been around since she was 1. I love her so much and do SOOO much for her. Take to school (mother not there for 1st day of Kindergarten) , put in piano lessons, school shopping, you name it!! She lives with me and her dad one week on, and with the mother one week on. When we bring her home from her mothers house I have a hard time adjusting, I feel like I am being very cold to her. Not only that but I am unable to have children and I have some major jealousy and resentment issues towards the ex-wife who is a whole nother monster! She acts like me and my husband (childs dad) are nothing to the child and I have no idea what crap she feeds my stepdaughter. However she defends the mother constantly. Child knows there is plenty of tension.I am starting to have a lot of issues with taking on a rold of step parent and my boyfriend STILL wont marry me.....6 years later.how to deal with it
2007-09-07 15:29:51 · 12 answers · asked by Amy M 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well...if you arent married, you are NOT her stepmother.And to be honest, her mom for SURE has a problem with you trying to claim stepmother to her daughter. Not only that but her daughter is SMART enough to know that you arent her mom and why the heck do you put her in a position to have to defend her mother? You need to back off.
2007-09-07 15:46:00 · answer #1 · answered by Lonely Turkey 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Time for you to make a choice. Stay or Go. If you go then you'll deal with the loss for a while and eventually move on. If you stay then you have a lot of work to do. Family counseling would be great for all of you. Doubt you'll get the mom there but hell might freeze over. Don't ever say another bad word about the mother anywhere that child might even remotely hear it. She should not ever have to defend her mother to you or your bf. It doesn't matter what the mom is doing. Two wrongs and all that. How you treat the child is a choice you make. You mention being cold to her. Ask yourself why you do that. What is it you are trying to accomplish? Are you trying to manipulate the child? Are you trying to teach her something about the situation? I'm just spit balling here. The point is your behavior is not good and it is up to you to fix that. You said you love her make sure that your actions help reflect that in her eyes.
2007-09-07 15:50:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously by the amount of time you've been together and the age of the child, you knew that it was a package deal to start with. Being somewhat in your shoes allows me to tell you that when you have a mixed family( steps, halves, whatever) there are always adjustments to be made. Ex's are not fun but they only drive you nuts if you let them. The child will come to a age and degree of understanding and will see things for themselves, you need not push your opinions or feelings about the situation on them. Take time for yourself and your husband and be glad that even though you are infertile the powers that be saw fit that you mother anothers. So good luck and remember everything works it's way out somehow or another.
2007-09-07 15:39:02 · answer #3 · answered by opentoanythang 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, you got in this child's life when you were just a gf and now 6 years later you still aren't married.
Obviously if you are interested in marriage you need to dump the guy and find someone who wants marriage. This guy you are with now has been getting sex from you and you to help around the house and he has not had to make any commitment to you at all. He has used you and you let him.
Unfortunately now if you leave you hurt the child b/c you have been a presence in her life.
I think you should break up with the guy and move on. Don't live with another guy. I feel bad for the child here.
2007-09-07 16:19:24 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can never force love, it is either there or not and it should be unconditional not about what you can do for me. You are not the child's stepmother until you are married to the child's father. I know of two women who said they couldn't have children and were older than you. I told both of them to never say that again (death and life are in the power of the tongue) One of them has 2 boys and the other one is pregnant now. The one who is pregnant now left a 17 year relationship with the guy she was dating and married an older man and she got pregnant on her wedding night. She has a beautiful 5 bedroom home in ATL and living a blessed life. Just think of all the 17 years she waisted with the other guy who had a kid and didn't want to make a commitment with her. You are special and until you realize it you will continue to have drama.
2007-09-07 16:09:32 · answer #5 · answered by Titus12 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My kids are still dealing with adjustment of 2 different households after 7 years of their dad and I being divorced and there are no step parents. This is life after divorce.
If you choose to stay in this relationship despite the fact that he STILL won't marry you, I would suggest truly enjoying your week alone with your boyfriend. Maybe it would cool the atmosphere when the daughter comes over.
Are you doing for the child because you honestly love her and care for her or because you think it will win your boyfriend over to marriage? From what you say, I don't feel that your heart is in the right place.
2007-09-08 03:56:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you sure the problem came from being jealous over not being able to have children of your own or is this more about the fact that he's allowed you to raise his child from age 1 every 2nd week being 1 week on 1 week off for 6 years showing no respect as in he wont marry you or wont ask?
1stly you knew the deal when you moved in , the role of step mother was what you were prepared to play in the beginning and yes her mother is probably filling her head with lies and anger issues she isnt over herself your man can deal with her in a court of law if he chooses to by sending her to parenting classes and anger management classes but thats not your problem because legally even if you were married to him you have NO legal right's or say to his daughter .
2ndly He hasnt asked you to marry him because "Why buy the cow when I got the milk and a live in baby sitter for free?".
Sit him down explain what your feeling and how it's effecting your relationship with "his child" , but honey honestly , marrying him now would be wrong because you already are suffering many issues which you have been able to ignore for 6 year's , but now the daughter's older and the mother can use her as a power play against the father by making her mis-behave or be dis-respectful of you , you need to seek out a healthy relationship where your not being used as a sitter and find your own happiness.
Harsh as it sound's if you marry him now it would be forced and forcing him to make a move he obviously isnt willing to commit to is a very bad start to a marriage trust me I know.
Tell him you need time away to re-evaluate your meaning to you and for him to re-evaluate what you mean to him outside of his daughter and it will hurt and you'll want to just ignore my answer but you know I am at least partly right in what I am suggesting.
Good luck.
2007-09-07 15:56:52 · answer #7 · answered by JadeyOz 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have been living with your BF for 6 years and he still will not marry you. Issue the ultimatum to marry you or else, and be ready to move out.
Living with the guy, and providing all the services of a wife and mother, takes all the impetus for him to make you legit! He is already getting everything he wants!
A GF has NO rights within the law, and unfortunately can take on way too many liabilities. You might as well get the benefits because divorces are cheap.
Don't sell yourself short! Don't waste your time with this lout!
The little stepchild is not an issue until this is resolved.
2007-09-07 15:44:32 · answer #8 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 2⤊ 2⤋
leave....what other choice is there? Stay and feel resentful towards an innocent child? That makes absolutely no sense. Besides, he won't marry you., you said so...WHY do you stay? To put up with abuse from the ex and be used by the boyfriend....you deserve much better, and the longer you stay, the more hurt you feel that he won't marry you, the more frustration you feel about the 'step parenting' and the more you are going to take it out on an innocent child.
2007-09-07 15:39:24 · answer #9 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Child will always defend mother even if there is proven
abuse. Just do what you can and it's normal to have some
jealousy. Take my advice with grain of salt.
I gave all my love, caring, nurturing to my stepson. His mom
kept remarrying.My husb. ;child's father is a JERK and selfish
would not allow bday gifts yet would buy pricey things for self.
to sum it up, stepson is now 18 dad and I going thru divorce
(husb. arrested for Domestic Violence) son calls me to check on me and we talk about him not his father. We have a bond that is strong he is my baby his mother accepts it.
6 years is along time you are YOUNG, I am feeling USED
now, don't let it happen to you. If you want marriage and he
says NO then time to say BYE and let him decide if
he wants you or not or else you will continue living unhappy
and not being true to you and your needs. BE STRONG!!!
I wish you every happiness.
2007-09-07 15:58:15 · answer #10 · answered by WiseGal 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋