How do you draw the line?

Question

I care a lot about someone and we are both married. I am his friend but I am strongly attracted to him. I found out through a friend of his that he has strong emotions for me but he can't tell me because he is afraid of losing our friendship.

I went through a period of time I felt the same for him and he found out about it. Now he acts really werid towards me and if we are not joking around he get really nervous.

How do I draw the line when I see him to put my attraction aside so I won't get hurt again. Like I said I really value our friendship but I am afraid the worse scenario could happen.

Answer 1

Rather than draw the line, get guidelines and parameters so he knows when he crosses over

Answer 2

It's so amazing that you're asking this question so I didn't have to. I'm going through almost exactly the same thing, where there's an obvious mutual attraction, but nothing even close to sexual has ever happened.

I don't want to validate your feelings by "comiserating." You definitely have to take some time to really break the situation down into its basics. Some questions I have had to ask myself: How much of the attraction is physical? Am I really that dissatisfied with my wife that I would even look around? Can I completely cut ties with this other person and not cry every day for the rest of my life? Did I ever feel like this about my wife?

And I don't have answers to all of those. Some of the answers that I do have point in the "wrong" direction. I constantly try to look at the way my life will go depending on what "choice" I make, and I hate to even say that there's a choice, but ultimately there is.

I'm currently on hiatus from both parties, partly of my own choosing and partly not, and you know what? After a month of not seeing "the other" and two weeks of not talking to my wife (her plan) I still don't have "right" answers.

The final question I have for myself is "Should I stay married for pride's sake, if it turns out I will be an uninterested husband?" I mean basically, would my wife be better off with a husband whose heart still ached for someone else and she knew it for the rest of her life, or would she be better off with a temporary difficult time in her life followed the opportunity to make something of the last half of it? And again, I'm not trying to validate my own lack of heart control. I'm just trying to deal with things the way they are.

As long as you're married, you have to respect your spouse. If it means you've done some things he doesn't like and you have to change, then you have to do that. I had to do that and she was right. But whether or not that means you have to stay together even if you have stronger feelings and a deeper love for someone you never expected to meet, I don't know.

For myself, I am determined that our marriage will stand or fall on its own, not because of an outside party or my own failings. My wife and I are committed to the discussion of our marriage's strengths and weaknesses and we'll see what happens from there. If it ended tomorrow, I wouldn't expect to find myself with the other woman, because after all, she knows what kind of husband I've been.

Answer 3

I think the first thing you need to do is tell your husband about how you feel about this guy and then get into marriage counseling asap/ You need to work on your current relationship because its clearly in the crapper at the moment. When you married, you made a pack and you under no circumstance should have these feelings for someone else. Your husband deserves an honest and true wife and you can't be either you need to end your marriage now. As for this other guy, you need to stop seeing asap. You need to end all relationships even friendship with him. Your marriage is worth way more than some silly friendship. This other friend, the one who told you about how this guy feels about you...he should have said something to your husband and he def should not be encouraging this kind of action between 2 married adults. Please grow up or get out for your husbands sake. Also, you did not mention if you had kids but can you imagine when they find out that mommy wanted to stray, how much faith and trust they would put into you?

Answer 4

So YOU won't get hurt again! You are MARRIED!
How selfish!
Think about all of the other innocent parties involved that WILL be hurt in the aftermath of your "worst case scenerio" happening. Two families lives will be forever changed because of your actions. Can you live with that for the rest of your life?
So, where do you draw the line?
If you value your marriage and family you end the friendship and get counseling to work on your marriage. Stop the emotional cheating!
If you don't then divorce your husband.

Answer 5

A line is so difficult to draw, it is about emotions.
What you can do is not drawing a line, but fix your COMMUNICATION with your hubby, that's the right thing.
Usually this happens because lack of communication, so I suggest you probably can go for second honeymoon, have a intimate romantic talk, find out what is missing in your marriage, fix it. I'm SURE you will find another strong feeling to your husband. If you yourself is strong enough after that, you can continue your friendship, but beware of meeting frequency with him. Spend more time with your hubby than him. If you have kids, at night while they are sleeping, watch them, feel them deeply in your heart and commit to yourself that you are not going to disappoint them. You LOVE your family. I'm sure you wouldn't want to end up in the worst scenario. Be tough. God bless

Answer 6

I read some of the answers others have put, now here is my answer. You can have friends of the opposite sex. I have many. I just try to make sure my husband knows about them. If he can meet them, even better. As far as your feelings for your friend... You need to decide if he is what you want. Find out what he wants. He might just want to get into your pants. If he truly wants you, then you have to decide what to do about your current situation. This will not be easy. Someone will get hurt in the process. What ever you decide, don't sleep with your friend, this will just make it harder to find out the truth of how he feels.

Answer 7

Go ahead and jump his bones and when you have hurt your family friends and destroyed him you will wonder what in the world is wrong with your head.
You will only regret it the rest of your life so why not. Your commitment to your husband ment nothing anyway.
Are you getting the message? I did it and believe me it isnt worth it not for ten seconds. Now you cant say you havent been warned. Get some back bone and keep your pants on.

Answer 8

If you're afraid that something will happen, don't hang out with him. You state you're afraid of losing the friendship. What about your marriage? You have to decide what's more important, your marriage or this friendship. Only then will you know what to do.

Answer 9

You both should sit down and talk. One on One. The conversation is well needed. It will help clear up the tension...also know where the line of friendship ends and the line of love life begins.

Answer 10

You can't have friends of the opposite sex when you're married. That's just asking for trouble. Do the right thing, put your husband first. How would you feel if he were posting this question? If it wouldn't rip your heart out, then maybe it's time for marriage counseling or divorce court.