What do you think about these lines??

Question

“ARGH!! I am sick of this! We are walking in circles for hours,” yelled Nicholas. “What on earth were you thinking, anyway?! Getting us killed?”
“I said I am sorry, I really am. I didn’t know it would go that bad.” whispered Francesca, trying to calm her brother down. “This place is spooky! We should find a way to know where we are.”
It was a huge forest-like place, surrounded by oak trees, which casted their stocky, shadows over the antique houses. All the houses looked alike, standing on a single tiny floor, polished in the same dull brown color.
Nicholas and Francesca were paralyzed in their places, looking around, hoping to find someone answer their calls of help.
“I don’t know what we should do, Francesca!”
“Well, we can try knocking on doors again.”
“But we have already knocked on every door! What are those people? Dead?”
“Maybe they are sleeping.”
“Sleeping?! We cried out, asking for help for hours…. They are definitely dead.”
“Nicholas, stop it! It isn’t funny!”

Answer 1

It does need a lot of editing. First off, people speak in contractions. Nobody says I am sick or we are walking. They say I'm sick or we're walking. Try to write your dialogue in contractions. It sounds much more natural. Secondly, the past tense of cast is cast - there is no such word as casted. Without knowing how old the characters are, I would guess around 10 or 12. That's how you wrote them. If you wanted them older, it didn't work. The other poster is write about the repeated exclamation points. It makes it sound like these people are in a spook house having a great time. And paralyzed in their places is redundant. Paralyzed kind of explains it all.

These are the kind of things editors would point out to you. You need to write more carefully. Also if these people are supposed to feel some terrible sense of fear, it isn't reading through. Think of the five senses. When you are afraid, you perspire. The hair might stand up on your neck. Your heart races, your breathing gets shallow. There are a lot more things you can say to set the scene. Right now it looks like two adolescents fighting. If there were dead people, I would think there would be some odor, too. Maybe it would leave a horrible taste in your mouth. Lastly, I don't like the expression "forest-like place" ... What exactly is that? Is it a forest or isn't it? That would be like saying a place with sand and ocean was a beach-like place. Be more direct with your words - it strengthens your message.

With a good editing, it is a good start. Pax- C

Answer 2

They need a lot of editing. The dialogue is too sentimental, with excessive exclamation points. (Since it starts with "ARGH!!" it sounds like it will be a pirate story, too).
The plot is confusing as well. If they have been killed, how are they walking around? And how do you have houses that stand "on a single tiny floor"? How can it be a "huge forest-like place"? Is it a forest or not? If not, what is it?
Also, your characters have no personalities. Their dialogue at the end is so alike that I had to count back to see who said what.
All right, all of this sounds negative, but it can be fixed. Cut the dialogue-- only use what's necessary. Use concrete language to describe your setting. Work out your characters' personalities, and decide how you will show them. And make your plot clear. (You can withhold information for suspense, but when you want your reader to know something, make sure it's clear).

Good luck.

Answer 3

Not bad , but try and make them sound like real people, in other words the majority of people do not speak proper English. Children especially so loosen up the grammar a bit.