He admitted it (after lying repeatedly that he did NOT take it). I have the ring back now, but feel hurt and betrayed. I thought he and I had a great relationship, now I don't know what to do to move forward. He is now telling his dad he wants to come live with us. His dad and I have only been married 8 months... I love this boy and I need advice!
2007-09-07 09:21:43 · 43 answers · asked by gato0923 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Let him know that if he wants to move in, and you and your husband are okay with that arrangement, there will be a set of ground rules. If he does not follow the rules, he goes back to mom's house. Also, talk to mom. Your step-son might be wanting to move out because he is getting in trouble at home. Since you have only been married for eight months, make sure that you and your husband think about this carefully and decide together that it is what you want to do. Him moving in could add some strain to your marriage. Best of luck!!
2007-09-07 09:31:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sit down with him and his dad and have a discussion. Ask him why he took the ring? Ask him why he lied about it? Make sure he understood it was wrong when he did it. Let him know that he has hurt the trust between you and him and that it will take some time before that can be rebuilt.
Next up, don't try to punish him by cutting him out of your life. I know some people would stop talking to the kid or stop doing things with the kid. I have a feeling that he needs this stuff more than ever. You don't want to reward him for stealing but maybe he needs to get out and do more stuff with you and his father. Maybe he needs other activities.
Another thing I might suggest is to allow him to suggest his own punishment. Some people see this as barbaric or sadistic, however I believe that it makes the child think about what he did and the repurcusions. Also, you don't have to automatically accept whatever punishment he comes up with. You can make it more or even less severe. Sometimes, the kids will try to punish themselves far more than they really deserve.
All in all, you need to remember that he made a mistake. Now, you need to find a way to help him learn from that mistake.
2007-09-07 09:33:17 · answer #2 · answered by A.Mercer 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you might consider taking a look at a Love and Logic parenting course geared for step parenting.
You are hurt, he ruined trust in the relationship. Tell him so, next time he is asking for something.
Trust is an earned condition. If he wants to come and live with you he needs to do something to make amends for his actions..
Is he a good kid otherwise and just made a dumb mistake? or is he a thief?
I'd not have a thief in my house. Sounds like mom and dad might have issues they need to address. Both parents need to be on the same page about raising the kids.
A step child or parent can become a step monster really easily. My mother-in-law has two steps and both pulled that stuff in their teens they were acting out the anger they had about the demise of their parents relationship.
Get in counseling with him, take the L&L courses and see what happens.
2007-09-07 10:28:38 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion he most likely wants to live with his dad because he is not getting his way with his mom. His dad should speak with his mom and the two of them should decide what is best for the child. Neither you nor the child are in the position to make that decision. You married a man with a child. Married 8 years or 8 months is irrelevant. If it is best for the child to live with his father, that is where he should be. You signed on to that when you married a man with a child. Obviously, he has problem behavior. It takes a rotten person to steal from the people who love them. He is in great need of dicipline and guidance. Maybe that is best done under his current living conditions, or maybe that would be better accomplished by living with his dad. He should NOT be allowed to willy-nilly move back and fouth between the two homes on his own whim. If he is allowed to do that, he will manipulate the situation to get what he wants and will play the parents against each other. However, shared custody, may be benificial to all concerned. Good luck on building trust with your step son. You'll need it.
2007-09-07 09:34:16 · answer #4 · answered by Yinzer from Sixburgh 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow...I'm sorry to hear about this.
He's at a difficult age now, and he's probably confused and upset at his dad's marrying again....But you need to sit down with your husband and discuss this....!
First, you both need to agree on what you will both do, as a team. I really hope your husband agrees with you that this is NOT funny and it should be made very clear to the boy. Stealing is a NO-NO and it should be stopped immediately!
The boy's mother should also be informed about this, and she should join her ex-husband and you in your quest to talk to the kid and make him realize this is not right. Maybe the kid is screaming for attention and this is his way of getting it- I don't know but you are the adults so you have to DO something immediately!
Perhaps sending him to a therapist or counselor might help him deal with his feelings and help him talk about whatever is bothering him.....But something should be done ASAP.
Don't let this slide or consider it "normal" or "just a phase"....Better teach him right from wrong NOW instead of letting this behaviour go unpunished....! Good luck!
2007-09-07 09:50:13 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who's the grown up here. He is a fifteen year old boy that just had his father marry some other woman. I don't see what your real issues are except for the ring you got back. Think there may be some significance to the ring and his stealing it.
Boy, hope he doesn't act like a fifteen year old anymore, that would be the end for sure of that "great relationship".
2007-09-07 09:29:35 · answer #6 · answered by diamondbullet66 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At this point, I would say it is not enough to just give the ring back, you need to have him make reparations. It is the same thing as I had to do with my six year old, who stole candy from a store. I made him take the half eaten candy back to the store, pay for it, and make any restitution that the store demanded. I was embarassed that my son did this, but better to learn before they turn 18, than let it continue. The reparations should be towards you, and things for you, so that he can understand that his actions caused you harm.
Good luck, it isnt easy to raise good kids, but hang in there.
2007-09-07 09:32:26 · answer #7 · answered by Qyllix 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Did you ask him why he stole it in the first place? Maybe he doesn't want you to be married to your dad? Maybe he feels he needs to protect his dad in some way? Some questions to ponder and think about. I would get to know his son more on a level where you can sit with him and talk to him, tell him that he can talk to you with an open mind. Tell him that you are with his dad now and that you love his dad, for who he is, and that he has to learn to accept that. You are married now, and maybe he is trying to get some attention from his dad somehow. I don't know the family dynamics...but if he is stealing your Wedding ring then that poses a problem...in the long run, especially if he lies about it.
2007-09-07 09:28:19 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
At least he finally admitted it & you got the ring back and it is not in the hands of some crack dealer (or was it & he got it back)
Is there a reason he wants to move in with you guys ? is he in trouble with mother ? If he moves in, you & dad need to sit him down & let him know how you want him to act & behave himself, who can and can not visit. If he violates these he will have to move back to mom's. Let mom know this also where will be no suprises. Let him know how you feel about things and the ring situation. It could be just a isolated issue. Just on the safe side, you might want to consider a safe to lock things in.
2007-09-07 09:46:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
if he gave it back thats gotta count for something..
maybe have a talk together as a family and figure out how to deal some of the mistrust issues..
and just explain that your a family now.. and family shouldn't steal from each other
maybe if you explain (a 15 year old SHOULD be able to understand)... tell him how hurt you were and betrayed.. but explain how greatful you were that he brought it back.. and make sure he knows he can always come to you with any problems or concerns.. or if he needs help with anything
2007-09-07 09:26:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋