The shark starts dashing hear and there,
Waiting for my life to drop from the air.
As soon as you write back,
The shark starts to attack.
My body broken to bits,
But its not as bad as your hits!
The shark starts feasting on me,
And no one lives near the sea!
im 14
2007-09-07 08:46:58 · 19 answers · asked by Katja ie tattybow 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Interesting. Keep on writing poems.:)
2007-09-07 08:52:18 · answer #1 · answered by Duisend-poot 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Age gets you very little wiggle room in here...but it helps us adjust our comments to your experience. In the first line you need to correct "hear"...which means to "hear something" to "here", as in "you are here". The second line "waiting for my life to drop from the air"...was this line created to rhyme with "there"? I ask this because it sounds a bit contrived. If you mean to imply that there is a letter coming and that as it arrives it is supposed to be your life...it's a stretch. In any event, moving on, I'd recommend changing "my body broken.." to "my body's broken", and it should be "it's", as in "it is". Also, your last line might be more convincing and insightful if you said, "And I don't live near the sea"...which implies a metaphorical shark...and it avoids the confusion about why others not living by the sea would matter in your poem. Finally, I see you said "i'm 14"...please, it's "I'm 14"..."I", not "i"...the lower case 'i' shows self-doubt, self-loathing, low self-esteem, insecurity...and you're a poet, so use proper case for someone as important as yourself..you deserve no less.
All in all it's a good attempt by someone in your age bracket.
keep writing
2007-09-11 14:57:46 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A metaphor for the tabloid newspapers. If I was your english teacher I would say you have wit, potential and capable of deep thought. But mobile phones are still banned in my classroom! Write some more, you only get passage by making a journey.
2007-09-07 15:57:29 · answer #3 · answered by Raging Tranny 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tattybow, it's not as good as I know you can do. Just from the reading, I have to assume that you rushed to write it. If so, take your time. The rhyming was good, but the meter was all kinda awkward for reading. Count syllables and match them to the correct lines to create a rhythmic bounce to the words. Try singing it, it sometimes helps to get the rhythm to work. I know you can do it. Make me proud.
2007-09-07 16:31:24 · answer #4 · answered by Dondi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a good place to begin,
when the imagery's thin
.... in poetry presentation, spelling errors distract from the overall effect
do you want :
My body (IS/GETS/FEELS) broken to bits, the verb-absence also distracts
"here and there"
"... it's not as bad ..."
spelling or typos ...
opinion:
the line:
"Waiting for my life to drop from the air."
is the *key* around which all the rest is constructed.
Also the most powerful line in the piece.
well done!
kepp up the effort!
2007-09-07 16:02:08 · answer #5 · answered by atheistforthebirthofjesus 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sharks??.....what was ur original work instread of sharks....should write it the way u wanted...sharks sounded a bit scary, especially from the mind of a 14 year old
2007-09-11 15:24:20 · answer #6 · answered by Xiana 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Mack the Shark" it's not.
Please see someone about the hitting. You should never let anyone hit you, especially in a relationship... it will lead to more violence.
I feel your pain, but the poem doesn't work for me.
g-day!
2007-09-08 16:53:10 · answer #7 · answered by Kekionga 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mmm- i guess thats the kind of morbid stuff a 14 year old feeds on.
2007-09-07 15:56:39 · answer #8 · answered by Ellie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its OK I suppose, but why not try and rewrite it . It will be better the next time They nearly always are.
2007-09-08 04:41:10 · answer #9 · answered by inthedark 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great job! i'm 14 and i write poems too :) but there's no way mine are as quality as your one!
keep writing them! xxx
2007-09-07 18:55:35 · answer #10 · answered by Maria 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋