I'm scared of regretting leaving him?

Question

Hi everybody, it's been a while since I came on.

I got married 5 months ago and my relationship went badly downhill after.

He no longer respects me, he talks to me like a child, tells me to "f***ing shut up", he wouldn't help me when I got sick (he told me it was not his responsibility to take care of me or help me in any way). He is drinking all the time. He says the most awful things to/ about me in front of his friends when we're out, and then says "it was meant to hurt you, a good joke should hurt your feelings, you have to get used to my sense of humour, I can do and say whatever I like". He's not interested in sex anymore and is very controlling - won't let me use my cellphone, turns up at my friends houses when I'm there.

But I remember the man I fell in love with, and I miss him. I want to leave but I'm scared of regretting it after. My family is telling me I should get out now, which adds to the confusion.

Please help.

to this_big_one - yeah there was something. I got a big pay rise at work just after we got married. He then quit his job as he said he needed the respect of earning more than me. He then couldn't find a job in his chosen field, and this is when the drinking started, and it spiralled downhill much faster. He was unemployed for 2 months, and didn't get better after he found a new one.

HOWEVER in the month between getting married, and him quitting his job, it was already getting bad. It began pretty much the day after the wedding.

Answer 1

The man you fell in love with doesn't exist. It was a good front to get you in his control and now he has you he doesn't have to pretend anymore. Don't live in the past... it will only lead you down the path of years and years of misery.

Answer 2

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/yxS7o

Answer 3

Are you saying that before you got married, he respected you, talked to you like an adult, listened to you, took care of you when you were sick, abstained from alcohol, said nice things to you and about you in front of his friends, demonstrated interest in sex, and had no problem allowing you your freedom?

Sorry, I don't believe that. If you'd sat down and thought about him for 15 minutes before you married him, you undoubtedly could have identified dozens of red flags. You chose not to think. You chose to ignore the red flags. The fact is that a wedding does not cause a radical metamorphosis of a person's personality. Personalities are largely set by the end of adolescence.

Personally, I believe in marriage, so I don't think you should leave him. What you should do is be assertive. Keep talking when he tells you to shut up. Use your cell phone. Masturbate if he won't give you sex, and make it obvious to him that's what you're doing, like doing it in bed next to him after he rejects you. Pour his liquor down the drain. Don't go out with him among friends, and instead hang around people who are positive toward you.

You chose to marry this man. Now, figure out how to hold onto your sense of self while remaining married.

Later edit: Dear Jess, just wanted to let you know that Marcie (her answer is above) and I are debating over your situation via email. I am a man who is trying hard to understand what mental abuse is (see the questions I have asked) and to think of ways to halt it. However, as a man, I don't think I can quite comprehend the seriousness of the situation in which you find yourself. Email me if you want to talk about your thoughts.

Answer 4

Just ask yourself, “Are you happy?” It doesn’t sound like it to me! You talk about how you “think” you might regret leaving him, have you ever thought about regretting the fact that you didn’t leave him and wasted your time? What if you decide to stay and “stick” it out through what you think is a hard time? Well, your chances are that he could become increasingly verbally abusive to you! And that is what he is doing “verbally abusing” you! What will you do if you have a child with him? Do you want him to treat your child that way? Do you want your child to be raised by a man like that? I would hope not…. The only right choice is to listen to your parents; they are trying to protect you. They see that your not thinking right, they see that you’re in danger! I was married once and I thought he was “it,” just like you think he’s “it,” but a few months into the marriage I found that he was nothing I thought he was. He changed and for the worst! I worked 12 hour shifts and he only “allowed” me to sleep 4 hours, the rest of the time I had to take care of our son. He only “let” me spend money when he said it was ok, he only let me hang out with friends that “he” deemed acceptable. He only “let” me use the cell phone when I was around him. And when I got sick, he told me my mother would have to take care of me and our child, because that wasn’t his job! Let’s face the facts sweetie, your perfect mate, isn’t perfect by any means what so ever….You just need to admit it! It’s hard, but you can do it and you got the help of your family to get you through this hard time. You should be thankful that you’re starting to see his true colors now, instead of later! The hardest thing I ever did was leaving my husband, I wanted a father for my son and I wanted a husband, but I couldn’t risk the fact that one day he could take a step further and hurt my child, or me. The best thing you can do know is to put one foot forward and trust your instincts! Trust me the only thing you will regret after this is that you didn’t do it sooner! Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 5

I would almost guarantee that if you leave, you will see that wonderful man you fell in love with again. Then if you go back, you will see this controlling, cruel man again.
I did that with my ex. and I believe that people that are that abusive are also capable of turning on the charm ... .but they return to their abuse.
Regret.... my experience is this: if I leave a relationship... even a bad one... even one that I am SURE I should leave... I still have to grieve the loss... loss of the man I loved, loss of the marriage,.... loss of all my hopes and dreams.
It's not easy to leave a relationship, esp. a marriage in which you had hoped to build a future..
If you leave, you will grieve. But there is a good chance that down the road you will find a partner that does not abuse you. If he's this bad in just 5 months.. I would bet money that it's going to get worse. Just make sure you do NOT get pregnant.

Answer 6

As girlnextdoor rightly said it, the man you loved doesn't exist. It's unfortunate he's treating you that way and shocked to hear within the first few months.

Has something dramatic happened to change him from the man you loved to the man you're married to? Work? Career? Unfulfilled expectations in sexual relationship? Anything?

It's easier said than done - but you'll have to leave him at least for a little while. Consider a short-term separation to see if there's any change to the better in him. He must miss you. He must seek you out. He must reach out and be apologetic and remorseful.

If he doesn't, too bad - he's the one who's losing out on a good partner. You deserve better darling, move on.....

Answer 7

Thank goodness you don't have kids. Listen to your family. They have experience. Your husband will get worse. You at the beginning stages of spousal abuse. Look up sites listing signs of husband abuse and you will find most of what you have already mentioned. Next will come the hitting, then fear for your life. Leave now before he totally destroys your self confidence. That man you fell in love with was probably acting. He is sick and you need to be out of his life before he takes yours. Get out TODAY before he comes home from work and be strong. This is real and this is serious.There are local support groups out there for you. Call you local police or church for information. Your family will most likely take you in to keep you safe. Thank goodness you have their support. best wishes!

Answer 8

You shouldn't do what your family -- or anyone else for that matter, including us people here -- says, but what makes YOU feel better and happy. It's obvious that you're unhappy now, and I know this is not what you want to hear, but things are not likely to change my dear. Don't listen to others' advice but be realistic about your sad situation: he's NOT going to change overnight for good as he did for wrong......... if he's being a jerk, he will continue to be one and it will only get worse as time goes by. I do agree that you're still in good time to leave this man before he causes you further damage. Do it for your own sake and before it's too late (i.e. you get pregnant or something of the like). Good luck in making the right decision........ believe me, you won't regret getting rid of a damn psycho!

Answer 9

Get the strength and leave him. To keep that strength don't look at this as being final. Just complete the divorce and the whole time telling yourself you can always remarry when he is ready to treat you right. Have faith and please divorce him. After years of this type of abuse he will take all your confidence which will make it harder.

Honey run as fast as you can. The only way you can be a failure is by staying with him. You are better than that.

Answer 10

Wow, he's a right *******, isn't he?

Start making plans to escape. No one is meant to live like that. Sociopaths can be really charming and he sold you a package that was really not there. The man you fell in love with is a fiction. You're not the first and you won't be the last to make a mistake like this.