We have been married 21 years and 7 months ago I found out that she had a physical affair 12 years ago and two emotional affairs in the last 2 years. The last one happening just last christmas. She has done everything on the outside to change including quitting her job and working with me. She is now active in our church and seems more spiritual now. Soon after she confessed everything she told me that she never really loved me our whole marriage but had just a warped type of love for me but that now she really does love me as long as I am acting happy and nice around her. She also discovered as we were in the first month after D day that she had been fondled for 2 years by a teenage boy when she was 4 and at 6 he raped her. And she lived in a home where love was never shown or any other emotion for that matter. Consequently her comfort zone is being distant with only light verbal interaction and only light physical interaction 1 or 2 days a week. My love language is physical.
2007-09-07 04:21:12 · 10 answers · asked by sfun42 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I can only assume if you have been married for 21 years, you don't have children at home?. Why would I need to know this? Well, here's the thing. I can relate to this story. She sounds like she is comfortable with you, because of 21 years together. But, just because she loves you, doesn't mean you are really what she needs. And the abuse part of it, well, that may be more of an excuse than a reason. Sometimes people stay in stale marriages because of not wanting to hurt their children and break up their children's home. But is this her reason? Or is it fear of the unknown. This may be harsh, but it is a reality. Women sometimes will stay with someone to avoid all the hurt and turmoil of dissolving the relationship. Divorce is hard and it involves most of the time more than just the people going through it. And she may have a good heart and really care about you, but not be in love with you. So here's the thing, are you OK with that? Or do you want more for yourself, and for her? I may be way off, but this is a story I have heard more than once. The answer is pretty simple, she may show alot to others, but do you feel like you are the most important thing to her? Do you feel really loved?
2007-09-07 06:16:10 · answer #1 · answered by Sandigirl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she is trying to make it work now, even if she made mistakes in the past. Maybe some counseling would help her trust you more. She has a problem with intimacy and trust. If the 2 of you have kids together, it would be a shame to scrap the marriage. You 2 have different languages and comfort zones for sure but you can create a common space together with patience and hard work. Thats what marriage is for everyone. :) good-luck.
2007-09-07 11:58:46 · answer #2 · answered by undone 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well...Sounds like you are in a really tight spot here...
You've been together for a long time, and the idea of marrying someone is to have company, share love and trust and to feel happy....
Since this is a stressful relationship, I'd suggest you both go to therapy or counseling- alone.
( Later on, perhaps the counselor might ask both of you to go to sessions together so you can deal with the issues that are harming your relationship. )
Her upbringing and the fact she was abused are huge issues that she has to address in order to heal and so she can feel better about herself; but she has to WANT to do something about it. If she doesn't, then there's not much you can do...but bear with it. Everybody is different, and perhaps she has chosen to "bury" the pain she feels in order to function. The problem is the issues are there- ignoring them won't make them disappear.
Good luck. Ask God to help you out, and to guide you so you can both work together and heal a lot of stuff.
2007-09-07 11:48:39 · answer #3 · answered by Nena S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here is the tough answer, married 21 years ago, plus about 20-25 years old when got married, that would put her about 40-45 years old. She is starting perimenopause, irratable, hot flashes, no sex drive, love you one day, want to kill you the next. Is the "light physical interaction" sex or just touch ? sounds like perimenopause, it will last about 3-5 years, try a bullet proof vest, very soft answers, keep your distance on killing days, take advantage of "love days"
2007-09-07 11:42:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what you written here, it really sounds like your wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. Here is a link with information about it.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm
Watch "Six Feet Under". The character of Brenda, played by Rachel Griffiths, has BPD. Her relationship with Nate was similarly rocky.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brenda_Chenowith
2007-09-07 11:31:55 · answer #5 · answered by your_dear_old_mother 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
so she didnt love you when she was sleeping with other people sounds like her love language is physical too pall just not with you... I would look into some councling
2007-09-07 11:48:21 · answer #6 · answered by sarah W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She needs counseling and for you to be patient and loving.
2007-09-07 11:28:26 · answer #7 · answered by kitkat 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
she needs some consulting.... BAD!!!! u should be supportive and just help her through this. Good luck to you b/c your going to need it!!!
2007-09-07 12:04:40 · answer #8 · answered by sunshine 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you people stay with cheaters??????????????
2007-09-07 11:28:51 · answer #9 · answered by Meichelle 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
whatever....
2007-09-07 11:27:02 · answer #10 · answered by abc 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋