How do you forgive?

Question

How do you begin to forgive someone? you've lost the trust already, so where do you start? I really love my husband, we have children together, I thought we had a good relationship. He didn't physically cheat, but isn't the emotional part enough?

Somebody told me about it. At first he flat out lied. Once he realized I knew everything that was said he admitted it. He has been very sorry about it and willing to talk when I want. He has never given me reason why. He always says he loves me and he will do anything to make this work.

It's still hard for me. I am trying. I do not through it in his face, I have made a conscious decison not to do that.

Thanks for all the input so far. I am a strong person and willing to work and save my marriage.

Answer 1

Only time can do it and sometimes not even then.

And no, the emotional part is not enough. All men (and women, if they'll admit to it) have fantasy lives, and most have a somewhat flirtatious manner. Don't confuse flirtations with cheating!

THINKING about cheating is not the same as cheating, no matter what the so-called bible says. Thinking about cheating but NOT following through is indicative of the person having scruples and morals, much more than those who claim not to even have thought about it (which, paradoxically, may be due to a lack of confidence on one's own morals!).

If he told you about an "emotional" relationship or attachment he made with another woman, he WANTS your forgiveness. Make up some house rules (because these CAN of course lead to REAL cheating) to control his flirting or whatever began his "relationship." If this was a cyberelationship, have him limit his on-line time and the kinds of sites he visits.

And forgive him.

Answer 2

I'd rather have my husband cheat physically than emotionally. I've always said that. I would hope he's smart enough to avoid getting the other one pregnant. Being emotionally attached to someone is a big deal. He'll never forget her, and I have to admit, I don't think they'll stop seein each other.
I found myself in the same situation--only I wasn't married. If you forgive, you will still never forget. It's very hard to forgive someone who's hurt you so bad when you felt like things were good. You have to have a lot of will. You can't just brash about the cheating whenever you're having arguments or when you're headed toward a nasty confrontation. You have to be sure that you have control. You need to overlook your relationship and see how things would work out better between the two of you. If you and him feel like you really love each other and you're doing this for yourself and not because of your children, then you can start working your way up from scratch. That means doing things like you first met again so that he can gain your trust and he can build a ground with you in the first place.
If you're doing this for your children...you're not really making the situation any better. Soon you won't be able to live to stand each other anymore or worse, argue a lot and the children will be stuck in the middle having a harder time coping later on in life. They'll be confused and you'll be sending a mixed message about marriage between two people. It should be about love. The love you two share.

You have to find it in yourself to say, 'I love him and I can maintain a relationship even through this'. But you have to set boundaries. Next time won't only be the next...it will be the last. As a woman I think you have an instinct whether you think you should work things out or not. Listen to it...sometimes it can be your best friend.
Good luck!!

Answer 3

Emotional problems will take its toll on any relationship. When you have addressed the problems and are working toward bettering a relationship it is not always easy. You have to continue to work at it until both parties are happy. Trust is built during that process. When we say we forgive, we don't forget. That just means we are going to put aside those differences and work on rebuilding ourselves as well as our relationship. Don't use a incident as a crutch. Meaning, if you agree to forgive, don't constantly remind your partner of what has happened in the past. You can not move forward if you can't let go. Look at it as something you can use in the future to recognize when things may not be quite right. Use these experiences as lessons learned and focus on whether you able to have a successful relationship or not. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Trust must be earned back and it takes much time. Forgive means to GIVE of yourself as beFORE this happened. It may take time for you to actually be able to do so. You can start by realizing no matter what, you cannot change the past. Enjoy today and your tomorrows and don't live in yesterdays world; it has happened wither you or he wanted it to. Ask yourself this, has he or you learned anything from all of this? Do you now cherish what you might have lost and hold it dear to you? Will you both now be able to talk to each other more openly and never allow something like this to come between you again? Also, has he promised to never be deceitful again and is he willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back? Concentrate on today and your future together, forgiveness will come in time as will the trust. Best wishes for you both.

Answer 5

I honestly do not believe the trust can ever be the same is a situation where is has been lost. The feeling of love is still there but it feels different. Do you look at him sometimes and wonder..who are you? Then the big question..who am I to put up with this? I stayed when the trust was lost and 3 years latter, we are still married, kids are doing good, but I'm not the me I was before. He did something I either had to forgive or leave. I forgave but I have never forgetton. You have to ask yourself,.. What is enough for ME?

Answer 6

Yes, emotional cheating hurts just the same. It's almost like they had his body, but his mind is so much more!

Usually people do that when they are unhappy or bored in their relationship. If you are having a hard time forgiving him and can't stop thinking about it, try talking to a counselor. They may be able to help you talk it through so the trust can begin again.

These things take one thing and one thing only.....time. If you don't want to talk to someone about it, you need to make sure you can talk to him about it anytime your feeling bad.

A way to help things out, is by asking him how he feels about it all. Remember that he is human and everyone makes mistakes!

Good luck!

Answer 7

Forgiving is sometimes a difficult task to except. I think if your husband is a loyal person most of the time you need to get his attention and explain to him what your feeling. Husbands sometimes need to be reminded of the lack of emotional structure they show at times, if any. Men are not made the same as us women, and don't even realize that their becoming distant. I'm sure if you point this problem out to him, he will try and change his ways so he doesn't lose you. Make time for just you and him by setting up dates together and replenish the romance that use to be present. You both have to work on staying close by filling each others empty spots. Marriage always needs work from both of you to keep it exciting. Hope this helps! Cocoa

Answer 8

Yes. Emotion is powerful and for him to share it with someone else instead of you is enough. When this happens, sorry to say- I don't think a woman can ever really forgive. They might say they have but it's alwaysinthe back of the mind. 80% of men cheat- 20% don't get caught which gives thenational average of 60%. If he is emotional with another woman, which we know for men is hard to be emotional, I would assume he is more involved-

The conversation: You: Going outside of the marriage is fake. They never take care of you when your sick, or scared or mourning through lose. They don't see the hassle of children and stress of real relationship problems or working through debt. It's not real.

Men never see it that way. It's always becasue the other woman is better or calmer or whatever. But when all the dust settles, relationships get old. The one with the "real" is the one that stands last.

Answer 9

Unfortunately there is no easy way to forgive someone for betraying you, and yes the emotional part is enough, no man should be having a relationship of any sort with anyone but his wife. You have to understand though that you will maybe forgive but you dont forget, it just doesnt work!

you will only be able to forgive if you really want to, i know this sounds silly but beleive me, if you are willing to make it work and really want to forgive him then in time you will.

But it wont be a quick fix, it will take time and you will have a lot of hurdles to jump along the way, you wont trust him for a long time, he has to earn that trust back.

Just be patient with yourself and with him. Dont jump to unecessary conclusions, remember 2 and 2 does not make 5! dont try and snoop or keep a close eye on him, as this will only make things harder on yourself.

Good Luck

Answer 10

I believe that forgiveness is not the issue here, but trust is.
It will take some time for him to demonstrate that trust to you. But do you ever really truly know what is in someones heart?..
Also ask yourself if your husband is 90% percent of what you want in a relationship. Is it worth throwing away everything else for the 10% that is a problem. You really need to find out what you may have not provided that he needed to find that "emotional part" from someone or something else. And can you do anything about it. Counseling should help. Maye there is something else.