{This is purely fiction}
Acid rain falls down in vein
T, t, tappin’ at da window payne
Calling ma name
Tourchers ma brain
D,d,d,d,drivin’ me insane
To the rhythm of da tick tockin’ clock
Rested on ma mantel, pictures block
Of bodies and who they used to be
Burnin’ holes through ma soul
Laughin’ sickenin’ glee
Acid rain falls down in vein
T, t, tappin’ at da window payne
Ain’t it shame
I am to blame
K,k,k,killin’ them that way
To da rhythm of da shot gun banging hushed
Rested on ma mantel stained in blood
On bodies now that can no longer be
Burnin’ holes through ma soul
Laughin’ sickenin’ glee
2007-09-06 23:26:20 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I like this poem
it certainly described
the weather from last night
here in Saskatoon.
Here it hit the windows.
I have to wonder what are you
blaming yourself for?
besides it being ashamed.
I don't know if the rain here
was acid.
2007-09-07 03:23:05 · answer #1 · answered by sweet_blue 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Shad, why "payne"? Is there some significance to the misspelling (should be pane)? When you "stutter", you normally do it like this: T-t-tappin', D-d-d-drivin' rather than use commas. Also, the deliberate misspelling of "touture"...again...why? "Tortures" sounds the same, so why spell it incorrectly? You could also say "m' name" instead of "ma name". You can mimic rustic speech without misspelling, you do it well with tappin'. Yes, you could do a hick piece, but your poem doesn't benefit from "dumbing down"...in fact, making it sound more sophisticated actually makes it a bit more freightening.
In any event, you have some interesting images here.
...keep writing
2007-09-11 07:47:59 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I love the repetition of sounds played off the image of the rain drops. This is one of my favorites of yours. It's very fun to read out loud.
2007-09-07 02:03:55 · answer #3 · answered by Todd 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your right its very dark you have a wild imagination. Where did you get your inspiration? I love this aanother master piece as usual.Keep Writting!
2007-09-07 17:38:22 · answer #4 · answered by Sh00ting_St@r! 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I liked this one before. Are the others from today newer than this?
2007-09-07 01:45:01 · answer #5 · answered by TD Euwaite? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
So far we are all in agreement, what more can I add...
2007-09-07 03:45:29 · answer #6 · answered by Dondi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Good you have done well.
2007-09-07 05:10:08 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋