my poetry , yr opinions are very helpful to me?

Question

As I lay, resting you tapped me upon the shoulder in that familiar way,
I inhaled and let you back into my soul,
As you walked through the colored corridors of my mind,
I wish you would remind me more often,
Just what we had planned to do,
This time around,
The world with its many tricks,
I’m satisfied to sit and watch,
To pretend that it’s all for my pleasure,
To twist my self into believing this new found truth,
True work comes from a true soul,
One that has the heart to reward itself,
And like a swift wind,
You rustled my leaves and went on your way,
I am only a tree you see,
I have no choice but to stay where I am,
Next time stay a little longer dear friend,
Together we can fly,
Perhaps someday I too shall be like the wind,
Free to play upon your curls and sing my song,
The tree in me knows from record,
The folly in such excitement,
It must be a sin,
Why? You come around to ask,
Well I am a tree and I should love to be a tree,
The simplicity of the wind,
It cannot be explained,
Some of us have the simplicity of the wind,
I wish I knew my true sin,
I would live to be a windy tree…

Answer 1

Back in the day they didn't stop making roads because they were bumpy, they just kept at it till they had refined there skills.
What do roads have in common with poetry you say... that is what a poem is. The same line or verse taking people to different destinations, some bumpy, some are super highways, others are over glorified trails, but all are destinations all the same...they take you someplace. Your poem was good though it seemed you had so much you wanted to say it and a way you wanted to say it some may not follow. Continue on and always practice for repitition is the mother of all skill... oh yeah there is 6 billion people 'round so remember someone will always love it and someone will always hate it. Keep doing what you do and best of luck.

Answer 2

Good job. It looks like you're learning and trying to incorporate the useful comments you've been receiving. Keep up the good work. You've not yet arrived.

Continue to try to let your words convey what YOU want to say in the poem. Poems must have a both general purpose (like to entertain, enlighten, encourage, or something like that) and a specific purpose (like to explain a specific idea, concept, way of thinking). Ask yourself, "What am I trying to convey?", "Does the poem directly serve the purpose?" This will help you find the right words that will convey the specific purpose and at the same time support the general purpose. This will also go toward eliminating unnessary words. Practice using as many different combinations of words as possible to express the same idea. Then pick the one that most closely resembles the idea and feeling you have. Then rework it if necessary to have it say exactly what you want.

So to put that all into action, the first like could have been simplified:
"As I lay resting, you tapped my shoulder in a familiar way"
It sounds like you had something specific when you included the phrase "that familiar way". Whatever that concept is or was, can you include it while at the same time using fewer words? And on the second line connect the idea of "inhaled" with "my soul". People inhale every day; it's a little unusual to have it affect the soul. How does that occur? (We're looking for your own personal insights to guide us to this.)

Otherwise, good job!

Answer 3

the first part of the poem does not mesh with the second part (part 1 ends at the line one that has the heart to reward itself), bc/ the imagery changes from you as a person to you as a tree. So, that's a little bit confusing. How does inhaling allow him back into your soul?? Are they related or just happened at the same time?? It might make more sense to say, "he breathed his presence back into my soul" bc/ this would help to combine the concept of him walking through the corridors of your mind. And I'm also wondering why the world has many tricks. Possibly need more hints as to what you had planned to do bc/ you touch on that too lightly and then let it go. It's not mysterious, just bothersome. The best line is one that has the heart to reward itself and the second half is better in that it ties in the imagery and is easier to comprehend even as an analogy. There, I told you the truth.

Answer 4

I see many answers here today, some ok, some, not so ok. It reads well, not awkward. We may not understand all that you are thinking as you write, we may only guess. Listen not to the doom sayers, but be true to what you believe. It does have rhythm and the words flow. You are a tree and want to be the free wind, a novel concept, and I applaud you. It doesn't say drugs, alcohol, sex, suicide, or doom to all. I send you a well done, and any mistakes will only serve to make you a better writer, for as I like to say, mistakes are the foundation of perfection.

Answer 5

Ill try to put this gently:

Poetry isnt your best talent, pick up something else the reason for this, was that the poem didnt flow well enough, its all about the flow, each line has to flow into the other for a truly good poem, yours however didnt, also it was somewhat long winded, and boring, so read some good poems and learn from them, or take up something else.

Answer 6

It reads like a fairly traditional poem. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, I would say to substitute the symbols of nature (trees, birds...etc) with other symbols to make it more provocative and interesting to read.

Answer 7

To know your true sin.....interesting.

they say sin is something that only goes against you when you acknowledge its existent.

staying ignorant to it sometimes can set you free of it.

interesting read and great words.

poem rating 9/10

rating based on word feelings, and clarity of the message.

Answer 8

helpful? - ok.
frankly saying, it's NOT A POEM! It's a story. Short one. So try to rhyme and read some theory and classic poetry.
I wish you all the best. And don't take everything we write too serious.

Answer 9

I liked it :0)

Answer 10

Poetry is not a thought process, you need to put your heart into it.