My Husband and I have been married for 15 yrs. We have 2 children(9 & 11)?

Question

He is an alcoholic and is verbally abusive to all of us. He comes home from work, changes and goes outside to get drunk. If he comes in before the kids go to bed, he's yelling at one or all of us. He keeps a very good steady job and I'm able to stay home with my kids, but I don't know if that is the best thing or should I leave and stop walking on egg shells? He used to be very good with the kids, but now it seems he doesn't want to be around any of us. What to do?

I feel like if I leave, I won't be able to be there for my kids, they're so used to having me home all the time.

Answer 1

Get some help for yourself through Al-Anon. Nothing you do or say is going to change his behavior, so you need help and support in finding some peace of mind and tools to cope, whether or not you decide to stay in the marriage. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

Unless something drastically changes he will not stop drinking and it WILL progressively get worse. First it is verbal and then the emotional and spiritual side of you feels defeated. when he knows you have no more resistance the physical is next. It is age old and the patterns may vary but seldom change. I know this because I was married to one and I am a sober alcoholic. I have been sober for almost 4 years and a minister for going into my third year. You have children at a very impressionable age. They know what they are taught. If they are boys they grow up thinking it is okay to behave this way towards women(not always but most of the time) if they are girls they grow up thinking it is the way love goes. Mom took it so should I. You are their mother, you have a responsibility to give them a life without fear and pain. The combination of those emotions cause a lot of anger towards dad even though he has a sickness and towards mom because she did nothing to stop it.Children deserve the chance to grow up in an alcohol free home filled with Love. If asked (have you/) I bet they had rather have a happy sane mom than a broken down sad and defeated stay at home mom. Good luck and Lean on God He will lead you through this.

Answer 3

Al-anon is where I would go, you & the kids.

If you choose to stay with him, you need to learn how to effectively deal with your situation. While you don't want to be an enabler, you will surely need the support of those who are knowledgeable about how to cope

My dad was an alcoholic, and my mom left him when I was 5. I think, personally, though she still loved him, she did the right thing. Her working didn't really seem to have an affect on me. Most kids don't have the luxury of being able to have stay-at-home moms, and they do fine.

However, if you can find a good attorney, you should be entitled to maintenance, and maybe you could do alright on part-time work & maintenance, added to child support.

I'm not sure your not being able to be at home for your kids is worse than them having to put up with the abuse.

If it were me, I'd get them out of the abusive situation. I'm pretty sure the continued verbal abuse (which will likely escalate into something else eventually), will have a more profoundly negative effect on the kids than having a working mom.

Best of luck to you...I wish you well.

Answer 4

It's hard for me to imagine that you even have to ask. He is doing none of you any good. Don't you think that your children deserve better than that? I know you do, and I know they would probably rather have you gone for a few hours and working, and being a better Mom if he was gone. I don't think that having a steady job is enough in this situation to stick around. He is leaving a lasting impression on you and them and it not fair to anyone. Besides, the kids are probably in school most of the time. You may find something that you would only have to be gone during the time they are gone and be back for when they get home. No one deserves this kind of treatment. You didn't say if he has considered getting treatment or counseling of any kind, but of course he'd have to admit there is a problem.
Good luck with everything.

Answer 5

Alcoholics behavior deteriorates over time. It never gets better. Your children need to be raised in a stable environment and that is not what your home is right now as long as your husband continues to drink. I had cousins who were raised in a home with an alcoholic father. They all have deep scars. Some of them are alcoholics themselves. You need to leave him and force him to hit rock bottom. That is the only thing that motivates a drunk to sober up. Its a tough reality, but you need to be dealing with reality right now--not try and hold on during a hopeless situation. If you can't leave right away make plans to do so as soon as you can in the future. Also, join Al-a-non. It is a group of other families dealing with alcoholic relatives. They can help you by sharing their experiences and coping skills with you.

P.S. As for wanting to stay home with the kids, well remaining in your present situation is a lot worse on them then a single parent working. With all the stress in the home I doubt you are emotionally able to give your children what they really need from you. A parent just being there physically isn't all that is required for a happy childhood. Stop making excuses for why you can't or won't leave. You can't have it both ways. A miracle isn't going to just fall in your lap. You have to take some type of action if you expect your situation to change for the better.

Answer 6

You should go to a few Alcoholic's Anonyms. It will help you find answers to your situation. You will find people that are going through the same situation you are, and most importantly you will learn the definition of co-dependence. Abuse should never be allowed, when we do, we are just as responsible for doing so. At the same time, we all go through crisis and times where we don't handle things with wisdom. Your husband needs help. When we fall in the hands of addictions, there is no way no one can have a relationship with us because the addiction takes over and we are not ourselves anymore. Once your husband recuperates, you will be better able to be in a real relationship. Staying and tolerating an alcoholic is not wise, you need to understand that there is a point where drinking becomes alcoholism and people need help. Good luck.

Answer 7

I was married to an alcoholic. My parents didn't like him, my brothers didn't like him, my friends didn't like him. For obvious reasons. My situation was a little different in that I was the one holding down a steady job and paying all the bills. When my son was 16months old, I finally kicked him out. I was so scared. I never wanted to be a single Mom. I cried on the phone one night while talking to my best friend and she said the one thing that cinched it for me. I told her that I didn't want to do it alone. She replied "You already are." I was strong enough to walk away so that my son did not have to grow up in an alcoholic home. Its not easy, and money is very tight (I don't get child support) but I wouldn't go back to him for all the gold in Fort Knox. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. Anytime sweetie! May God bless you.
PS: and think of it this way (I did) Would you rather your children grow up with a father that's always drunk and that they're afraid of, or perhaps without a father but a mother that loves them unconditionally??

Answer 8

I am sad that such a nice relationship is turning into a sorry tale, but some thing has happened that has increased the alcoholism and verbal abusive behavior, some thing that you don’t know or have chosen to ignore. I am married for 20 years and moved out of a comfortable life style to a new job in a new country hoping to give better life to my wife and daughter which did not happen, but what happened was my short temper behavior and sullen mood. I don’t drink and abuse but was indifferent towards my wife and daughter and they felt it. Bottom line, I was upset on my decision and was not able to reverse it. So my inner problems and not being able to do what I was an expert on made me change, so some thing has happened over the years and you need to figure out. Let his HR or Boss know that he needs some time off or needs to relive his stress, may be some kind of relief at work, or talk to his close friends and find out if he has not shared some thing with you. Let children talk to him and share their fear or how things are not like it used to be earlier, some time together if there are like woods or fishing or biking kind of activities with children, and you instead of treading as if you are around egg shell, confront him squarely in his eyes, but get to the bottom of it, quitting is not a solution here, leaving the situation with out dealing or facing it is amateurish, cowardice and irrational. The mere thought of walking out of this marriage is not a good sign from your side and seems like you have thought about it couple of times. let me ask you, how many times would you be able to walk out of situations if they are not like what you want, may be this one, what if the next relationship has some other issues, may be that one, and what if the next relationship has some other challenge, that is not a good option, stay in this, work on it, find out and in the end the other partner is hell bent on destroying it, well you would make a well defined move and well thought action. So this is what I see as some action plans from your side, but again, this is an armchair view and suggestion, you know the best and you are the best judge since you are in the thick of it, but also you have to face the results of your actions, so be wise and patient and sensitive to your children, him and your over all situation. I wish you all the best and almighty give you strength and wisdom to deal with this situation.

Answer 9

Sometimes it is hard when the kids are involved. It is very hard when you have two kids, but have you spoke to your children and find out what they are thinking. Maybe they wish you would leave and not have them go threw this. It is not hard at least they are not babies that do not understand .You may also consider some counseling as a family if you decide to stay. and also if you decide to leave regardless the kids need it to repair the emotional scares that their father is causing them.We as woman believe it or not can accomplish a lot without a man in our life . You can work 8 to 4 .they will understand .Maybe a time out is good.But please decide soon now it is only verbal what happens if it gets physical and who will be the one to get hurt.Alone you will not have to walk on eggshells and neither will your kids regardless they are suppose to be first in your life. Good luck and God Bless!!!

Answer 10

They are 9 and 11 and in school I assume. Get an 8-4 job and they won't miss much of you. This is hurting them more than you not being home. It's bad enough they'll have to attend AA meetings for families, don't let them think this is appropriate. Especially if one of those children is a girl. Want her to be married to a man like that?


AND, remember that along with being used to having you home, they're also used to being yelled at, and abused (verbal is as bad as physical).

Answer 11

Kids or not... I'd leave in a second. Or kick him out. He's already verbally abusive... how long before he becomes physically abusive? You're not doing the kids any good by staying there. At that age they are learning a behavior that might only lead them down the same path when they are mature.
Egg shells break.... sooner or later you'll fall. What happens then?
Love hurts.... if he sees he WILL lose you and his children, maybe it will sober him up. When he's sober... then get to counseling.

PS....take your kids with you. He certainly won't do them any good.