i really need help! does this short paragraph sound good? its only a rough draft so here it does....?

Question

Dry, caked blood envelops Veronica’s forehead. Her body shudders in sudden spasms, sending pain shooting up her fresh wounds, from which blood still trickles. She clutches her wrinkled fur jacket close to her freezing body as the glacial coldness pries at her. The chattering of her teeth sounds excruciatingly loud in the pin-drop silence. Her eyes flit from side to side at a rapid pace. They widen to an enormous size as she hears a faint creak outside. Her heart stutters and skips a beat. She waits, her ears straining to pick up the slightest sound, but outside the closet door waits only silence. Her chalk-white face breaks out into a cool sweat as she sees something shadowy nearing the door through the crack at the bottom. She sighs in relief as she sees that it is only a cockroach crawling under the door. She crouches down even lower, hugging herself, unsuccessfully trying to keep herself warm. (continued on the bottom...)

Her face looks haunted and her body looks severely frail, as if a single strong wind could blow her down. Suddenly, she hears menacing footsteps nearing the closet door and she looks as if she is about to faint. She draws herself nearer to the damp and musty corner of the closet, trying to hide herself behind the piles of clothes. The last things visible are her eyes, wild and frantic, knowing that her demise was near. The closet door opened slowly, creaking painfully. And then…

alrite...thats all i have for right now and i have no clue how to start this story! i really like this paragraph but i have no clue if its good enough! i really need suggestions and im ok with critisim! thnx yall!

Answer 1

Well it is a lot of description, but you only use two of the senses - sight and sound. What about the others? Give that some thought. Because all this description tends to come off like a laundry list. Since she is hiding in the closet, it is hard to know what her face looks like. You would be better to focus on her and what she can hear, see and feel, taste and smell. It would give it a lot more focus.

Also to quote Stephen King from his masterwork On Writing, "the road to hell is paved with adverbs". How does a door creak painfully? Does it sound any different than when it creaks happily?? Adverbs can be the enemy in a situation like this. Be careful of that.

Then watch your tense. You started out in present and by the time you got to the end, the door opened slowly - past tense. It is very hard to keep up present tense.

Give it a little more thought. I can think of many ways you can add to it. A metallic taste in her mouth, the terrible smell of the person outside the door getting closer and closer, or the small of the stale clothes in the closet ... Make it a rule never to finish a scene until you have addressed all five senses. That is the real way to draw a reader into a scene.

Keep it up. Pax- C

Answer 2

You write it like it is a screenplay rather than a story.Way too many she and her pronouns. It should read more like this:Her body shudders in sudden spasms, sending pain from which blood still trickles. She clutches her wrinkled fur jacket close as the glacial coldness slowly takes it's toll. The chattering of her teeth sounds excruciatingly loud in the silence. Her eyes widen to an enormous size as noise of a faint creak outside emsures. Her heart skips a beat. She strains to pick up the slightest sound, but outside the closet door waits only silence, something shadowy neared the door through the crack at the bottom. She sighs in relief as she sees that it is only a cockroach.She coulda had a V-8! It is the mutha of all cockroach transformers and it turns in to a silver fish lazerdarter from des moines.The moment will never return, the window of oppourtunity is now,she rachets the fat nine and pumps all 15 into the body.Reloads with a fresh clip and checks her lipstick with the shiny nickle coated smoking barrell.As she sucks down a 40 and puffs on a blunt she reflects on the evenings happenings. She suddenly remembers the strawberry cheesecake dessert she made earlier that afternoon while watching lets make a deal in mandarine chinese.Now you got me doing it dang it. where was I ? you gonna hold that thang all night?

Answer 3

The other two answers before me have covered most of the points. but I have another couple to add to the pile.

Make friends with your thesaurus. There are some words that you use that don't quite fit the rest of the description simply because of connotations. Connotations are the impressions that come with certain words. For example. "Envelops" in the first sentence. Dry caked blood usually crackles off when the skin moves. If you have ever tried to talk with a facial masque on, you'll have noticed when it is truly dry, it cracks and flakes off. Envelop means to cover completely, which it wouldn't be if it was dry and caked. Congealed blood (which implies not-quite-dry and sticky) would envelop someone's forehead. Another example is the cold "pries at her" part. You pry something up, or away from something else. You pry the floorboard away from the floor. So what is being pried away? Her fingers, numb from the cold, are being pried away from her arms by the glacial air.

"she looks as if she is about to faint". You immediately brought us out of seeing through your character's eyes. She can't see herself. Nor would she describe herself as "looking ready to faint". Maybe "feeling about to faint". The reason you can describe the other visual characteristics is because Veronica (I'll call her V for short) knows about the other characteristics. She could have seen them previously, and know they are there. She cannot know that she looked about to faint right at that moment.

And lastly, avoid over-used phrases, such as pin-drop silence, her heart skipped a beat, chalk-white, etc. If you come up with other phrases, it will draw the reader in even more than you are doing now.

Lastly, to Add to Persiphone Hellecat's answer, it is really easy to get rid of those adverbs that don't quite fit. Instead of "the doors creaked painfully", try "the doors creaked open with a painful squeal", or some such emendation.

If I sounded too negative, I apologize. It really sounds interesting, and you have done a good job on it so far. But you are looking for constructive criticism, and not praise. Quick question. Is V an adult, teen, or child? If she is young, you can describe the size of her limbs, etc. It would help with the visuals.

Answer 4

The answers are all good and thorough and most of all their kind. Me, I can only say a lot of **** talk. Too much description or things that may or may not happen when all the while there is not even a clue as to what happen how did she get the blood on her forehead? Was she in the room or in the closet? So much was said on her face there was blood next there was sweat what's next, the tear? what about the face of the cockroach, is it blue? A really good book tends to do away with lots of description as they may tire out the reader only those relevant or if it's a mystery book then even the one hidden along the lines of the paragraph is worth reading.

Answer 5

It's good, I like it... we do need to know she's in a closet as soon as you can manage it, though ("we" being the readers)-- because it sure came as a surprise to me, and that kind of surprise isn't good.
I always feel that location of immediate surroundings should be made ASAP and then the story is kick-started. That may be all you need to do to "find" a beginning to put this paragraph on.
By the way, I think it should be more than one paragraph! (joke--you know that already)
I like "pin-drop silence"--it's original (to me) and apt; it gave me the creeps, a bit.
The part you continued at the bottom doesn't come through the Q and A page, so I don't have much to say about that.

Really all I have to say is keep working on it, read it out loud once in a while to really get a feel for its smoothness and for whether its making sense etc., watch out for too many prepositions and too passive a voice, and don't quit fer nuthin'!

Answer 6

I Like it. I was drawn in very quickly. There place where you ended was pretty good. It makes me think that is a good place for you to backtrack in the story and explain some about what led her to be in this situation. You do something like where you jump back and forth from the past to this time where she is hiding in the closet until finally the whole story is in present time and all is explained at the end. That is just one idea. I think you have a good solid start. Good Luck with the rest! Let us know when it is finished so we can read it!

Answer 7

I pretty much agree with Persiphone, especially on your descriptions. It sounds like you can really see this stuff happening, and that's awesome, but maybe you could try tightening it up a bit. Even short sentences can be powerfully descriptive. It seems like you're trying to build tension in this scene, and the briefer you are, the more you'll succeed at that. I don't think all the senses are absolutely necessary, but if you've got it, go ahead and use it. Present tense is very difficult to pull off, and I find it a little disorienting. Read and re-read, write and re-write, and most importantly: keep it up!

Answer 8

I totally agree with Persiphone. It is not bad at all, but try to describe what she feels, tastes, smells, hears and so on. I can also recommend you not to repeat "she" that much.

Keep it up! ;)

Answer 9

ana, my dear girl you are a very talented author. keep up the good work .you will be famous someday sweetheart.