I've been told that I need not to lie anymore to improve my life. I must tell my daughter the truth about me and my ex and why he is not home anymore after 1.5 years of lie that her father has been working all these times... How do I tell her and not to harm her too much? Thank you.
2007-09-06 15:53:45 · 46 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You don't ever tell your child that your ex was cheating on you.
You'll be putting adult problems on your child and that is the worse thing you could do as a mother. All your child has to know is that you and her father disagree and live a part...that's all.
You sound young, dumb and ridiculous!
2007-09-06 16:13:20 · answer #1 · answered by catlady 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You don't!!! She is only 5 years old and won't even understand the concept of cheating. You can tell her that you and your ex don't get along anymore or that he hurt your feelings but make sure she understands that you both still love her. You don't have to lie to her but she is WAY too young to be dealing with adult situations. She needs to be your top priority. Make her feel loved and secure.
I understand your anger to your ex and you have every right to feel it, but the one who will be hurt most will be your daughter if you try and use her as a way to get back at him. This isn't about stopping the lies it's about turning your daughter against him and hurting him. She is a little girl, not a weapon. Don't let your bitterness get the better of you or he'll have truly destroyed everything in your life including your daughters happiness.
I am sorry for what you are going through and hope that you can move on to a better life in the end.
2007-09-06 16:27:38 · answer #2 · answered by C T 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't tell her that her daddy slept with a lady who wasnt her mommy and that's y ur not together! Wait to give her all the gory details when she's older! Like 15. Now, just tell her things didn't work out. Tell her that mommy and daddy decided that they didn't want to live together anymore. When she asks y, just tell her that daddy needed to be alone for a while, and mommy gave him his space. When she asks if he'll ever come back, (if he's still in her life), tell her daddy will always love her, and come back for visits with her. Tell her mommy and daddy are happy with this arrangement, and it's for the best. I"m just not sure if a five year old is ready to handle the fact that her dad cheated on her mom. Think of her welfare first, not the need for u to be honest. Lie by omission.
2007-09-06 16:09:22 · answer #3 · answered by Uncertain Soul 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My son was 4 when I left my X because he was cheating. When he asked why we didn't live together anymore I told him it was because we just couldn't live with each other anymore. As he got older he asked more questions, like why couldn't we live together, why can't we get back together. I would answer as honestly as I could without saying anything bad about his father. I would say we just didn't love each other anymore, and living together is too hard when you don't love each other. As he has gotten older (he is 15) he understands more about his dad and I, he loves us both and because I didn't do anything to try to keep them apart we all have learned to deal with each other and I haven't pushed my son to chose between us.
Do not tell your daughter exactly why. She is too young to understand, try telling her that you both love her but just didn't love each other, or tell her that you and her daddy just can't live together anymore. I'm not saying lie to her but she is only 5. Let her learn over the years the real reason why, for now it is enough to give her some other smaller reasons. When she gets older she will eventually learn what is happening, just wait. How you handle it now depends on how she accepts you later. Don't make it seem like she has to chose between the two of you.
2007-09-07 10:58:56 · answer #4 · answered by bkdrm41897 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Uh..you don't.
A 5yr old does not need the grimmy details of mommy's and daddy's break up. You can still explain things to her but just say it to her as if you were 5. Think about it. She wants to know but not the way you would tell your girlfriend. Come down to her level. Reassure that you and your husband love her very much. Might of fact it might be wise to have daddy there when confirming the love for her. This way she does not grow up blaming herself for the break up. Now when you talk about the break up just make it plain and simple. Maybe say something about daddy will not be living here. Of course she will ask why. Then explain we are just not happy together anymore. Let her know you still love her daddy, reassuring this. Never bash your husband in-front of her. Let her build her own image about her father not yours. Just tell that the sadness led to daddy going away but he can come see you any time.
It might sound like you are beating around the bush with her but to a 5 yr old it will ease her curiosity, for now. As she grows up then you can go into more detail.
Boy...this must be tough. Just remember to reassure the love and bond that created her. Never dismiss the issue just handle it age appropriately.
Good Luck!
2007-09-06 16:17:58 · answer #5 · answered by ANJANETTE C 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You should not tell your 5 year old that her father has been cheating on you. She is a little girl and will learn soon enough that people are not always as they seem. You should sit her down and explain that you both love her very much, but sometimes things happen between a mommy and a daddy and it means that they can not be together anymore.
You are looking to heal yourself at the expense of your child - your ex did not cheat on the child - he cheated on you - talk to your girlfriends, to your mom, to a counselor, or to any adult you want about your hurt and pain - but please do not bring your little girl into it - it is not her burden to bear.
2007-09-06 16:05:34 · answer #6 · answered by drunkenpupil 1 · 5⤊ 0⤋
sweet baby jesus!!! that is not what is meant by not lying, silly!!! you dont make an innocent 5 year old your marriage confidant. dont do that!!!! your poor baby does not know what cheating is and doesnt understand work. what are you thinking? it is your job to protect your baby, not hit her over the head with your life mistakes. you WILL injure her and will make her permanenty worried. dont even think of doing anything like this!!! what idiot is telling you this????
the ages from 5 to 7 are called 'the angelic years' they are literally the last baby years there are. she needs these years to be calm and happy, not filled with worry and strange stories from you. you need to be a lot smarter here. go to the library and read up on child development, there is a whole section. dont be ignorant about this, you have only one chance with this baby and so far you have done okay.
but if you do anything like this telling her your sordid marriage horror stories you run the risk of altering her very growing up hormones and her metabolism, as you will stress her out. she may become neurotic and be very very harmed.
you are in total control of her environment, you are in control of her happiness and her innocence. you just tell her that daddy loves her but he has moved away for a while and you both love her very much. for now, that is it. you dont ever tell her anything stupid about cheating, that is adult business.
i take it he wants nothing to do with her. that may very well change in years to come, it also has a lot to do with your attitude towards this. it is grow up time, you, not your baby. sorry to be rude, but, you did not ask, SHOULD i tell her he cheated, you asked HOW do i tell her he cheated. i hope you got the message loud and clear as a bell, you dont.
2007-09-06 16:12:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
A 5 year old does NOT need to hear about this, nor will she fully understand it. You arent lying to her by not telling her. If you do, you will do more harm then good. Just keep it simple and ONLY if she asks. "Mom and Dad couldnt live together anymore, but we still both love you"
Thats all she needs to hear..and plus, kids dont need all the details when parents split.
2007-09-06 20:51:31 · answer #8 · answered by You can do it!! 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't tell her that! Tell her Mommy and Daddy wont be living together anymore, but they still love her. What goes on in a marriage is only the business of the 2 married people, NOT the children. Telling her that only serves to manipulate the situation to get her on your side, and children should not have to take sides.
2007-09-06 16:52:40 · answer #9 · answered by jen 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You dont want to harm her? yet you want to tell her that her daddy is a lying cheating scum bag ?.
Are you for real? , why on earth would you want to hurt her this way? , you just simply sit her down and say mummy and daddy dont love each other anymore but that doesnt mean daddy doesnt love you , your his princess and he'll always love you no matter where he lives or who he lives with.
Using your child as a pawn in a game of power because you were cheated on by him is emotional abuse so dont do it because when she's 14 thats when she starts attacking back and you'll lose in the end because believe it or not they do wake up at that age and realise who played mind games and power games my step son is living proof of that he's 13 and now realises his mother lied to him to make him hate us now she's paying the price for it , keep it civil for her , you dont have to see him or speak to him but you also dont have to be a cow and try and make her hate him because he hurt you.
And who is the person telling you that need not lie to her anymore and that if you tell your daughter what a scum he is it'll improve your life ? because they need to step back and keep out of it they arent the 1 who your daughter will hate in the end.
This fight is between you and your husband dont drag her into it , a real parent never uses pain in raising their child.And if the scum bag is with the woman he cheated on you with you get a journal and write down every visit every phone call and every emotion you feel as the result and dont ever discuss it with your daughter.
2007-09-06 16:07:41 · answer #10 · answered by JadeyOz 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
How do you explain that to a 5 year old? Don't do it. She will not understand. Does she still see him on a regular basis? You would ruin that relationship if she does visit him.
I would talk to a professional & ask for the exact words to use with her. I told my kids & I wish now that I had not told them the truth. Some how they always blame themselves for anything that happens between you & their father.
Please make sure you are doing the right thing because you can't un ring that bell once you have done it. Think of your daughter's reaction. I still don't know how she is capable of understanding at this age.
2007-09-06 16:02:48 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 0⤋