how does this sound?

Question

ok #1: i am writing in 2nd person
#2: i appreciate criticism, but please, im only 13. keep that in mind, ok? thanks.

here it is (its a rough draft)

A blinding flash of light. Brakes protested against the pavement. Everything tightened and compressed. Beyond the white flashes was a blur. Metal on metal shrieked. Becoming enclosed in a fiery cage of sparks and flames, bodies flying past. Hitting the pavement with a gory crunch. Then nothing but darkness…
Melody lay on the hot pavement, battered and broken. She opened her eyes groggily - her vision had been mashed into a blurred mess of flashing lights and rushed movement. How much time had gone by? For a moment, she seemed weightless, floating in a state of dream. Reality came crashing down around her suddenly– deafening sounds flooded her ears. Sirens screamed her name all around her, the sour smell of gas, smoke and burning rubber filled her nostrils.

Dear Pax-C
i dont care if you answer, but im 13 and nowhere near getting published anytime soon. i just love writing, so while i appreciate that you answering, can you just keep that in mind? im not on her looking to be shot down, i want to learn more of what i can do to make my writing better. but i want people to respond in a nicer way, you know?

SORRY I FORGOT TO SAY THAT ITS A CAR CRASH SCENE, THE FIRST 2 OPENING PARAGRAPHS!!!************

in response to LJ K, no i have not been in an accident. i have heard about them from people, but mostly i just went with my gut and imagined what a car wreck would look like. and the heat... yeah i just threw that in there because of all the fire! hahaha but thank you, i appreicate yours (and everyone elses!) answers! thanks a million!

Pax C: this is what im saying, see? i am taking your criticism into thought, and using it because you did it without ripping me to shreds this time. Im nowhere near going to an editor any time soon. Also, i realize youre talking about this 15 year old boy alot and how hes going to get published (and it kind of hurt when you said that i would never get published in the last question i asked...) i have had a short story published in a magazine and an essay published in a provincial magazine after a government contest. nothing HUGE and worldwide, but i think its a start.
anyways, my point of posting this is to say thank you on giving me a nice response this time. i really appreciate it.

uhh second person is saying "Jane did this, Jane did that"
third person is saying "You do this" because its a third party talking, right?
anyways, this is what ive been taught by teachers and at writing classes (yes ive been going for awhile). well anyways, thats what they call it here. second person = jane did this, jane did that.

frick sorry this is so long,
anyways, i do have taste in there, its just in the next paragraph.

Answer 1

Dear, I have never been rude to you. I have given critique - and oddly it is the same critique everyone else here has given you. The fragments do not work. Read what people have told you. I am just reiterating their comments.

Secondly, I am surprised that nobody has pointed out to you that you are NOT writing in the second person, you are writing in the third person. Writing in the second person would be "You see a blinding flash of light".... "You lay on the hot pavement ..."

I am truly sorry that it seems my comments above all others have upset you. I mentor two young kids here - one 15 yr old boy who is working on a genuine best seller. I offer them my time free. I also answer any and all questions and requests that come to my mailbox and have editied many a homework assignment and prologue for kids also free. If you would allow me to, I have three other comments - ones any editor would give to you.

1) Avoid passive tense. "her vision had been mashed into a blurred mess.". Take out the had been and just use straight past tense. "Her vision WAS mashed ... " See how much more direct and how much stronger that is?? Always try to take out the passives.

2) This one comes from Stephen King. "the road to hell is paved with adverbs". "Groggily." What an awkward word that is. How about "Her swollen eyes opened; her vision was mashed ..." Also not the use of the semicolon there as opposed to the em hyphen. Editors HATE overuse of em hyphens and they go nuts when you don't properly use semicolons.

3) I would use "floating in a dream state" or "state of dreams" State of dream singular sounds awkward.

I do like that you managed to get in the smell of the smoke and the gasoline, the heat of the pavement, the sound of the crash, the blurry vision - but you left one sense out. How about taste? Maybe she can taste the blood dripping down her lip or feel nauseous from the smell of the gas and the rubber. Using all five senses in a scene is very good. It draws the reader in.

As for the short sentences, I would try to combine a few. And I would never ever start a book with a fragment. Remember that first sentence is supposed to be memorable. Remember A Tale of Two Cities and you remember the first line - It was the best of times, the worst of times... Think of Rebecca and you remember the first line "Last night I dreamed I went to Manderlay again."

Your first line has to really be memorable and drag readers into what you want to say. Make it exceptional.

Keep trying. Writing an accident is kind of a hard thing to write. There is a lot going on.

That wasn't so hard, was it? Pax - C

Answer 2

Heya, writer... This is a good start at a great description of a horrific accident--it sounds just like what some friends who crashed way back in high school told me; I still remember it. They barely made it through a head-on collision caused by a run-away driver (the other people, an elderly couple, died at the scene); anyway Sandy said the first thing she was aware of was how hot the pavement was under her cheek, and that she couldn't move.

She'd broken nearly every bone in her poor body. But they both recovered after a long rehabilitation and are prob'ly quite happy today! SO... about your story; have you been in an accident? I read here that you're 13... you could have been; it's hard to describe something like that unless you've heard details or done it.

You described it well; just need a little work on keeping the tense constant and keeping an active voice. An active voice doesn't use very many prepositions (under, by , over, at, in, and more)... where-are-they words that are usually followed by a passive phrase. "That" is a prep, too, and you can probably see how it just now slowed down my sentence. "ing" endings on verbs slow action as well. Sometimes that's wanted, sometimes absolutely not!

Too many adverbs can make a scene slow as well, the "ly" words that describe a verb too much. Let verbs stand alone as much as you can. LOVE the sirens screaming Melody's name, by the way... and other touches! It's very real.

Please keep up work on it and let me know. Good luck!

Answer 3

Wow, for a 13 year old you're very good! You seem to have the same writing style as I do, so I think I can really appreciate where your coming from. The choppy sentences work well for what's being described. Being in a car crash in not one smooth movement, so the words shouldn't flow perfectly like they do when you're describing water. The only thing I can really think of is you're hovering around a few overused phrases. "Metal on metal shrieked" is a great sentence, But if you could find a new, fresher way to say it it would dramatically improve the overall composition. Just don't make the same mistakes I do and worry about one line for so long you forget about the rest of the story! When inspiration comes, change it. Until then, leave it.

Answer 4

You can keep your sentences short and choppy, but they need to be complete sentences, not fragments. Fragments are generally frowned upon, but you can use them. However, only use them when you really want to drive a point home, and use them sparingly. It becomes to hard to read if there are way too many of them. I had someone tell me once "Don't break the rules unless you know how and why you are breaking them". Very good advice. Also, if you want it to sound like it is happening fast, don't use periods. Use commas. Periods are a longer "stop" then commas, so with less time in between the phrases, it actually makes it seem faster.

Here's an example of what it could sound like, with some embellishment, hopefully enough so you understand.

"There was a blinding flash of light; brakes protesting the pavement making a high toned shriek, tightening every muscle in her body. Her world shrunk to these few heartbeats of time, the only sight the white flashes, the shrieking of metal the only sound, as she felt herself becoming enclosed in a fiery cage of sparks, flames grasping at the few fuels around them. Silhouettes of bodies flying, framed against the sky, the painful collision of her skin against the pavement becoming unbearable as her only coherent thought was "make it stop...". Then there was nothing but the darkness..."

Make sense? Don't copy what I did exactly, not because of plagiarism or anything, but because the writing style won't fit with the rest of your work, but also because you won't feel as good about getting it done. But a good start. Feel free to email me if you have any questions about my answer, or questions about another section.

Answer 5

You have a few too many short sentences. This isn't my style of writing, but... it's not too bad. You might try restructuring a few of the short sentences. The only big issue I see is the sentence "Becoming enclosed in a fiery... past." That isn't a sentence. It can be with a little rewording or retensing, but isn't presently. May the Stars light your path

Answer 6

Yeesh, I'm surprised it took until Persiphone for someone to correct the 2nd Person thing.

Yeah, she gave the best advice, I was only going to say the same things more or less.

Answer 7

Hi darlin .your out there trying keep going i know nothing about writing .But in your short stint ,is there a flying saucer .or bad weather ,or just bad drivers ??

Answer 8

I thinks this is really great. The imagery is good. If I close my eyes, I can imagine that scene.

Answer 9

This is good! Keep it up, and it doesn't seem to me that you are too far off from being published...it made me want to read more! :D