Wife attacks and attacks and attacks - I react and I become the bad guy?

Question

OK - Am I the bad guy or the fool? - just not sure. About 1x per week my wife will start picking at me - you didn't do this, you are bad at this, you never finished this, you need to do this, why have you not done this, when are you going to get to this. Seriously, there is barley a breath in between the questions sometimes. Mostly she is great! About 3 weeks ago I fixed her computer that was consistently crashing - she had 4 different MY PICTURES folders on 2 drives? I consolidated them - tonight she couldn't find some pictures. "This thing hasn't worked right since you "fixed it . . .it was so organized before you touched it." About 30 min. into the constant barrage (with only a calm please settle down from me) - I shouted - STOP - PLEASE - STOP - I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE - which only fired her up "stop being a baby"- then I screamed "Shut the F-UP" and violently rolled my office chair across the room . Of course, I lose. Now she is in her office "afraid" of me. At a loss..

Great advice - here is what became clear... I have a spoiled princess on my hands. I am about the least violent person you will meet, I am very calm and have timed her shout sessions to make sure I am not going crazy (I have done this with a counsler - it can go for 1+ hour somtimes without a word from me). It is like the record is skipping and I nor she can reset the needle (for those who remember records). I think the best advice is to get away from the area - go for a run or a drive - just get out. Don't stick around...the adrenaline should burn off and she will calm down later. I work M - F a bunch of hours, but am totally focused on her on the weekends so she can stay at home with our daughter. She won't do counseling. We are not fighting over a computer - she has an over-ride that must just slice at me if she does not get her way - right away. Another thing - my daughter is not going to be a princess . . . nobody likes a princess - I know, I married one:)

Answer 1

If you "let" her do this you are as much to blame as she is........ When she starts on the ranting and raving......... go out for a walk, leave the house, do not give in to her ... that is why she does it........ she gets attention that way............and maybe you should re-think your relationship... are you paying attention to her?? making her feel needed??? and loved??? maybe that is why she is lashing out at you .........

Answer 2

OK, here goes.

Your wife is showing you a lot of anger, but I'd bet money that something even worse is lingering inside of her. It's just a matter of time before the nagging becomes an explosion.

This sucks for you because it doesn't sound like she's let you in on what is going on inside her head. But it sucks for her, too, because it's obvious that she wants to be free of her anger and can't be yet. Her anger probably feels like a prison. Perhaps going after you releases some steam?

Of course counseling is a good idea, but some other things could help as well.

Maybe you can think back to when this started, or look at her stress level in an honest way to determine if she has too much on her plate and is kind of laying blame in bad ways, and on the wrong people.

Also think about your involvement in the relationship. No, I'm not blaming you (or her). But sometimes women will react in a vicious way if we feel out partner is "unplugged" or lacks passion....even about small, daily details.

It's a bad cycle. She stars getting moody, then you shut down a little, then she gets more moody, and you shut down more. It can go on and on like that forever. And you know what? Who can blame you for shutting down when she snaps, and who can blame her for snapping when you are shut down?

I hate it when that happens.

Maybe you can turn the bad situation you guys were in tonight into a chance to talk openly about what is causing things to go this way. If you guys can't find some deep and meaningful answers....maybe counseling will help.

I wish both of you lots of luck!

Answer 3

HAH!! thats what she gets!! she derserved that, you couldnt take enough of it and she was probably shocked that you finally fired back, you didnt loose you were just very frustrated, shes an annoying chatterbox sometimes, thats something you two have to work on, i can understand it can be aggravating when all someone does is bite you over and over after you do nice things and you just want to put your fist through the wall, just tell her that her crap has finally made you had enough.


TO Mommyandbaby: i totally disagree, so youre saying the man HAS to do everything the woman wants or pleases, no matter how he feels, thats is a load of rotten infested crap!! the guy is not always the bad guy, nagging big mouth women are annoying!! in a marriage the couple should try to please each other, make each other happy, why is it always the woman that has to be showered.

Answer 4

I can say... women are like that... mostly they want to be the 'boss' at home... since the house work done by wives... they don't want men to ruin what they have done....
for ex: let say she clean up the house, if you keep the house clean (meaning that if you make a mess or dirt, you will clean it up) than you wife will feel that you appreciate her work. then she will not see any little mistake on you...
I was once like her (but not that hard), what my husband did was just make a mess at home, everytime he's off, the house always dirty by the time i got home. i do all the house work, cleaning, laundry, dishes, groceries, cooking.. prepare his lunch and dinner because he used to work 2 jobs. I have 1 job, but it felt like 2 jobs. at that time when he makes mess, i didn't say anything just because i wanted him to enjoy his day off. but i think i spoilled him. now he only has 1 job, he used to do the same (make mess), i was hard on him, upset and yelled, then that didn't work. I try better way...
I told him that house work is something i hate, and I believe he does too. because we do something, get tired, but don't get paid for it. I have to force myself to do it, so please help me to keep it clean and neat... the result... he change now... and I more relax... (sorry for giving you long story)
my point is try to look yourself, if you like my husband?? if you better... than maybe when your wife cool down, ask her what is bothering her mind, why she picking at you so hard... it probably will help...
You stay quite doesn't mean you're a looser, you actually the winner, you try not to make things worse.
if you react, you're not the bad guy, you a normal person, you have feeling and you can get hurt. react is needed sometimes so that your wife can respect you more, never hard on her, makes her step on you even more....
too hard on her... will lead you to violence... not good and no respect for you... instead only afraid... then if you both afraid to each other, that is not a good relationship...
I believe you're a very nice guy... otherwise, this will not bother you at all (you feel guilty after you react to her)...
Try to discuss it with her the root of her 'yelling' thing.. in a soft way...

Answer 5

Dammnn well your wife kind of sounds like me but when my hubby dont do it i get on his rear end until its done most of the time anyways. Check it out i am going to tell you what my hubby tells all his friends "if the lady of the house isnt happy than NOBODY is happy.
When me and him get into it {which isnt that much anymore} i normally let him know that we need some alone time and we have to work on the problem and yes when you flip out on her you automatically become the bad guy no matter what. Just stick your tail between your legs and do what she says she will be happy and she will smile and i am sure it will make you smile only because you made her smile. I understand that it can be hard but you must COMMUNICATE with one another.
Best of luck.

Answer 6

It sounds like your wife is really unhappy. Why? Does she even know? Obviously, something is bothering her either at work or in her personal life and she is choosing to take her frustrations out on your because you are her husband and are suppose to be there for her. Most people take advantage of their partners/spouses.

Talk to her, find out what the problem is. She'll say nothing, but just try to pry it out of her. Is she overwhelmed at work? at home? taking care of the kids? taking care of elderly parents?

Get away (both of you-toghether) for the weekend if you can and try to relax.

Answer 7

She can't really love you and respect you when she treats you that way. But, When you act like her, you're always going to be the loser; not her. Stop doing everything for her. In fact, I would'nt do anything for her, until she apologizes to you for how she treats you, and for pointing out all your failures. Let the stupid computer crash, and let her try to fix it all by herself. Maybe IF she can come to her senses; she will realize just how smart you are, and how much she appreciates all the little things you do. That is; IF she appreciates what you do, let her figure it out and come and tell you herself. Don't ask her to give you the respect you deserve. Let her do it all on her own. Trist me, it will last alot longer if she figures it out for heself how much she really cares about you.

Answer 8

Leave her lard @ss. Life is too short to put up with complete and utter disrespect. How much can a guy take? Be sure you never raise a hand to her. If she ever does it to you, be very careful. She is likely to counter claim assault to the Police. And guess who they'll believe? But I like the Shut The Fu(k Up. option you used. Get out while you can.

Answer 9

I must say that my boyfriend used to constatnly say how I nagged him and bi**ed at him constantly. Which I did not. Maybe you are over reacting. Or maybe you just need to ask her to say these things in a less direct way. Saying, YOU need to do this and YOU need to do that is not a good way of doing things. She should say I would like this to happen, or I would appreciate if the lawn was mowed...or whatever.

Answer 10

Its my ball , no it's my ball , I had it 1st , so what you walked away now it's mine.

Oh sorry ya just sounded so much like my 17 and 15 year old sons it brought a flash back.

Time for her and you to get rid of the internet for a couple of months and find each other again , fighting over a computer is only hiding a larger issue .