My husband and I are on the vurge of divorce. We've been married for 4 years and have 2 small children. I just can't believe that at 21 I'm going through this. All these emotions are so overwhelming, almost to the point to where I start to feel a little numb. I don't want to be alone. I don't want a custody battle. He just doesn't love me anymore, and honestly I'm not sure I love him anymore either. He says that all I do is yell at him and treat him like a child. And all I can say is then don't act like one. He thinks I'm acting like his mother because I tell him to pick a dirty diaper off the floor that he cahnged! I shouldn't have to ask him to do that, who would just throw a dirty diaper in the middle of the floor? He does the same with his dirty clothes and his dinner plates, just leaves them on the floor, left over food and all. He says all I do is nag him and treat him like a child. Don't get me wrong I am by no means perfect but he only wants me to change. Anyone understand?
2007-09-06 14:08:57 · 15 answers · asked by Violet 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He doesn't think that he should have to tell me where he's going or when he'll be back. We have children, wouldn't he want me to contact him if something were to go wrong?
2007-09-06 14:12:12 · update #1
Colleen O, I'm sorry you are so bitter. From what your 360 profile says you've been through a lot in your life. You have also accomplished a bit too, good for you. I have to agree that we were immature when we got married, I was only 17. But I am an adult now who is more responsible than most 30 and 40 year olds I see.
2007-09-06 23:59:41 · update #2
I just finished reading Dr. Laura Schlesinger's book, "The Care and Feeding of Husbands." She also has another great book about the care and feeding of a marriage. I would strongly recommend that you do some research into the subject and learn as much as you can about it.
Additionally, you and he, either together or individually, should seek marriage counseling. Do not give up on your marriage unless and until there are no other alternatives. If there were no children involved, then it would be no big deal. However, the children deserve a two-parent family, no matter how hard the two of you have to work to make this marriage manageable.
To put it simply, your husband is probably just feeling the stress of being very young, married, and having two small children (just like you are). His symptoms of being stressed are different from yours, i.e., he is "checking out" of the marriage by going out, not being responsible about child care, etc.
Whatever you do, stop criticizing him. Probably everything you have to say to him, he is already saying to himself. He definitely does not need another mother, and you do not want to play that role.
You both will and should change over time. Everyone does. Are you still a 16-year-old girl? Nah. You are growing up and you want to mature and change and evolve into the person you want to be. He wants the same thing, even if he does not know it. Help him, support him, be there for him, but take care of yourself as well.
One thing you want to avoid doing is discussing your personal/marital issues with family members or close friends. Seek the counsel of an objective person such as your minister or other religious leader or a marital counselor. You do not want your family members to see your husband in a bad light. You may some day feel better about him, but if you bad-mouth him to your parents, for example, they will be less forgiving.
Remember, both of you have needs, wants, and desires, and with 2 small children, you are both stretched to the limit. Try not to be so hard on yourself and on him, and help him do the same. Just relax, do the best you can as far as housework and that sort of thing, and get some rest.
Lastly, try whenever you can to use some humor in and about the situation. You would be amazed how just a good laugh can open up the lines of communication for the two of you.
Remember, the children deserve happy parents, and even though it is hard work, a good marriage is priceless, precious, and well worth it.
Good luck!
2007-09-06 14:26:07 · answer #1 · answered by MaraschinoMary 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You were way too young to marry and have children. He hasn't grown up and isn't anywhere near ready to take on the responsibilities of a grown married man. Staying together isn't going to make him grow up. He still does need a mother not a wife and children. You won't change him and you aren't going to change the fact that dirty diapers and food left out are okay. Divorce is inevitable. If being alone frightens you then you need to grow up as well. Get some counseling so you can deal with this whole thing and be a good mother to your children. I don't think you have to worry about a custody battle. I don't believe an attorney would give custody to a child like your husband but your best defense is getting a good attorney for yourself and making your issues clear. Good luck and try to find yourself in all this. Don't go looking for a replacement.
2007-09-06 14:38:40 · answer #2 · answered by dawnb 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well first of all I suggest therapy. I think its important to see if things can be fixed before a divorce. I suggest you stop picking up after him. He knows you'll pick it up so he doesn't even notice how dirty he is being. As hard as it is JUST LEAVE HIS MESSES ALONE!! When he runs out of clean clothes he'll start putting his stuff in the hamper. Also invite company over and when they see that its dirty he'll be embarassed. Make sure you tell him people are coming over. Maybe you two are spending too much time together and that is why he wants to establish some independance by not telling you where he is going and when he'll be back. You should tell him you want to know what he is gonna do and that as long as he isn't out late you don't need to worry about him. You two have to work on communication. You both have grown so much from when you were married and its time to get in touch with who you two are now. He is a grown man and you are a Woman now. You are changing and your needs in a mate are changing. Learn to grow together. Adapt or divorce. But I suggest not considering divorce an option!!!
Oh and get a new hobby or start something that you like doing alone and just for you. It'll give you a release and a break from him. And he'll notice it too. It will make you more interesting and appealing. Try something out of the ordinary!
2007-09-06 14:23:07 · answer #3 · answered by The thinker 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're not his mother OR his maid. Even if it kills you, leave stuff where he puts it and when he moans about it, tell him that you're not his mother or his maid, lol. Let him be responsible for picking up after himself.
Outside of that, if he has said that he doesn't love you anymore and he isn't coming home and refuses to tell you how to contact him when he leaves, you've got more serious problems then a dirty house.
Get strong for your kids...get a job if you don't have one and think ahead. Maybe the hubby will come around, but if he doesn't, at least you'll have a way to provide for you and the kids.
2007-09-06 14:19:05 · answer #4 · answered by lookinforanswers 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
r u at home all day, struggling wid the kids while he is out working? i think you should give urself a break. hang out with ur friends for a while, ask family to take care of kids for sometime, join a school, leave the kids with grandparents n go for a short vacation with hubby. it is strange but handelling little ones is a stressful job. by what u have mentioned i gather that you are finding it tuff to handle the kids n expect some help from ur hubby, n when u dont get it , u feel miserable n you nag at him. did u nag at him for leaving his dirtyy clothes on the floor b4 the babies arrived? i guess the answer wud be no. u c what im trying to get at?
2007-09-06 14:31:59 · answer #5 · answered by Sara 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't be afaraid to make the tough decisions. For every action there will be a reaction and unfortunealy this is what you were dealt. You won't magically become happier by waiting around hoping he will change. Make the move you know you have to.
2007-09-06 18:09:45 · answer #6 · answered by lthruman 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is why getting married so young is such a bad idea - neither of you have had a chance to grow up, to be teenagers, or to be young adults. And it's not surprising that you're growing up into different directions.
I'm sorry.
2007-09-06 14:19:38 · answer #7 · answered by Nandina (Bunny Slipper Goddess) 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Obviously the both of you were far too immature to get married in the first place and are STILL immature. This is what happens when children THINK they are "in love" and get married...
2007-09-06 15:59:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
60% of marriages end up in divorce i thougth the same way i am 28 n going trhough nasty divorce n custody
2007-09-06 14:19:28 · answer #9 · answered by mickey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try to understand and see his piont of view
go out of your way to try to spend time together and talk to him about it in a calm (no yelling) conversation
espress your reasons for being upset and let him stat his
if not
sorry
theres only so much you can do if he wont work with you
2007-09-06 14:22:26 · answer #10 · answered by bluebeachdogs 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋