What do you think?

Question

I just got this published in a fine arts magazine. Do you think it was worth publishing. Honest opinions, critiques and improvements highly appreciated.

My libidinous spirit rages
As gently your thighs I caress
Milky white and silky smooth
leading to the gates of paradise

Softer than muslin
like a feathered down
crowned by rubies
heaving up and down

In the throes of pleasure
your moans crescendo
You shudder in the pale moonlight
As I draw so softly away

You pull me back in
My death is complete
Pollen grains move with the wind
Falling on flowers and moss alike

Suddenly you let go
cooing softly in my ear
under the linen covers you shrink
The warmth that was, for a moment, is gone.

the second para refers to breasts if you don't get it.

Answer 1

Oh, I think we got it, question is:
Did you?
did well, will be waiting for more.

Answer 2

Ah, if only getting a poem published meant it was free from flaws...if only :)

Your poem is a good one, no doubt. Your first stanza is good open verse. You change meter in the second stanza, but it too is consistent. The third stanza is a bit irregular, but you can correct that by dropping "pale". I'd also change the word order in the last line of that stanza so it read, "As so softly I draw away." that way you get the sibilant "so softly" plus the aliteration of "draw away", while improving the flow of the line.

The next line seems harsh by comparison: "you pull me back in". You might soften it by saying "yet, you pull me back in". Adding "yet" does two things: it adds a preparatory word/beat before "you" and it has a similar "y" sound, thereby softening the start of the line. The third and fourth lines of this stanza seem too derivative. You wander off into nature to convey a very personal condition...birds and bees if you will. I would have recommended you stay focused on the moment and not "gone there". You could have made a comment on the rise and fall of bodies spent and cooling in love's embrace, or how the beating of two hearts slowed as one...something, but the lines you chose are my least favorite of your poem.

The last stanza: "suddenly you let go"...too harsh. Maybe, "softly you shift away from me" or "Then softly you let go of me". And I'd drop the "is" from "is gone"...the line would read: "the warmth that was, for a moment, gone". I think it has more impact that way.

in any event....keep writing!

Answer 3

one of the most pieces out there, well done

i think it is perfect and it worth all your time your energy and everything else that may come your way,..

good work

Answer 4

Very nice , seems you put allot of thought in it cant wait to see what else you got,

keep up the good work, and i hope who ever you wrote this for , liked it as much as we all did

take care :)))))))))))))))))))))))))