I have been with my bf for 9mths now and since the begining of our relationship he has always been complaining about the lack of money he has to offer his self , me and his son. When I try to give him advice such as budget your money , quit bad habits, get a second job. He always ends up making these excuses and feels sorry for himself. I am so fustrated with him i don't know what else to do! We live together and it seems like I bring home more of the income then he does and i pay majority of the bills. Though he makes more than me. Whenever I do have extra money , he always knows how to make me feel guilty to buy him things. He hasn't bought me anything and I never have asked him either. 'Cause I am independent and don't need him to take care of me. But, how do i get him to meet me half way and how much longer should i stick around to see if he will help me out or is it just hopeless? I need an honest and to the point opinion. PLEASE HELP!!!
2007-09-06 09:53:26 · 22 answers · asked by tiffany d 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sit down with him and figure out your bills, then divide them appropriately. Tell him the free ride is over, either he pays his part, or he can go live somewhere else. It won't ever get better. This is him, if he's not willing to do what he has to do to make ends meet now, then he probably won't ever. As far as you spending your money on him, that's all on you. It shouldn't matter what he says to you. Just remind yourself YOU had to pay for him to have a roof over his head the next time he wants you to buy him something.
2007-09-06 10:00:37 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
From someone who has been there and done that.....
1. He will not change. He hasn't taken responsibility for his poor choices and you're the one that suffers.
2. You have to be tough. If you're "independent", then you can tell him that you aren't giving him money, regardless of the guilt.
3. You have to issue him an ultimatum and stick to it 100% if he doesn't follow through with his end of the deal. For example: "I will leave and take our son with me if you do not start paying these bills. I am willing to show you how to do it, but if you won't, then that will be it. I will no longer tolerate your irresponsible behavior and I won't subject our son to it either. If you truly want to change, then hand over your paycheck to me every pay period and I will open up an account with my name on it only and I will be in charge of taking care of all the bills and finances. I will be sure that you get a weekly budgeted amount of money to do with as you please, but know this: when it's gone, it's gone."
2007-09-10 16:28:33 · answer #2 · answered by Amy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, it seems like you're beating your head against the wall on this one. Some people are good with money, and some aren't, and there's not a damn thing YOU can do to change it in the other person. Unless they themselves make an effort to change, you will pretty much be fighting an uphill battle unless you simply accept them as they are. Perhaps there are lots of good things in your relationship that are worth accepting the not-so-good things for. There's nothing wrong with having certain standards when it comes to handling your finances - and at some point, you have to decide for yourself what is and is not acceptable for you. If you can only consider continuing this relationship on the condition that he changes the way he handles the finances, then be honest with him and tell him that. If he is unable and/or unwilling to change, will you accept him, or are you going to walk out? Only you can decide.
2007-09-06 17:11:30 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like y'all need to sit down and have a long over due talk about your expectations both financially and otherwise in the relationship.
I suggest you sit down together and come up with a budget for each of you. Divide the bills fairly and let him know what he is expected to pay.
You have to stick to your budget too and not allow him to make you feel guilty or put pressure on you. If he is getting everything he wants, why should he change?
2007-09-06 17:13:33 · answer #4 · answered by wondermom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Step 1: MOVE OUT. He is a user and an abuser. He's NEVER going to learn to stand on his own two feet till he is forced to. If you don't want to terminate the relationship, then move on to steps 2 & 3.
Step 2: DO NOT spend any more of your money than need be spent.
Step 3: Tell him that if he doesn't want you to leave, then he's to give you 100% of his income and YOU will give him a stipend from which to "play."
He is clearly immature, irrational, abusive and in denial. I feel REALLY sorry for his kid...but YOU need to start looking out for yourself. If he's THIS stupid about money, do you REALLY think his credit all that great? IF you decided to get involved any further with this loser, do you think you'd be able to buy a house? Or a car? Or anything that required credit? HELL NO!
Save yourself!
2007-09-06 17:03:34 · answer #5 · answered by Brutally Honest 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Honestly? RUN. Don't walk. RUN!!! You are his new mother figure. I have been in this position countless times. If you don't believe me, watch an episode of Judge Judy. You're on your way, sister. A lot of regret for a deadbeat boyfriend (who by the way, is a FATHER and should have his act together by now.) Stop playing house and RUN. Get a guy that can pull his weight and buy you a piece of jewelry with cash, not credit, every now and again.
2007-09-06 17:02:26 · answer #6 · answered by drivenmusicnyc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Set up a joint checking account with NO debt cards. Figure up the total cost of living and split it down the middle; each week both of you deposit your half and only the household bills get paid out of that. Anything each of you have left after depositing your share you keep in your own individual acct.
If there is anything extra that needs to be bought for the home...each of you put in the necessary funds to save up to buy that item.
2007-09-06 17:02:55 · answer #7 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if he cant help his self first then you cannot help him he has to be willing to get up on the horse honestly if i were you i would leave him women have habits of thinking they can change or help there men and it leads to them living an unhappy life because there men simply just cant help themselves first i alwayse hate this motto but there is alwayse a better catch out in the sea of love and he sounds like a dead beat that will alwayse be a dead beat he is using you bad gilrly it might be tought but you need to really ask your self is that the kind of person that you want to spend your life with? the way i see it the answer is no so you need to tell him to hit the road
2007-09-06 18:44:29 · answer #8 · answered by Honey Badger Doesnt give a Shat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to kick him out, get court ordered child support, and live your life. If you want to keep dating him that's fine...but let him support himself as he can elsewhere.
And stop complaining that he knows how to "make me feel guilty and buy him things". That's just your excuse for allowing him to manipulate you...get a backbone, put your foot down, and resolve this issue or suck it up and accept that this is how it's going to be while you and he share living quarters.
2007-09-06 17:02:43 · answer #9 · answered by . 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You've given him more than enough opportunities and tools to improve here. He's not taking them, and as long as he knows he can guilt you into taking care of him, he's not going to. Either accept that this is how the relationship's going to work, or start figuring out which of you gets the apartment.
2007-09-06 16:59:36 · answer #10 · answered by MM 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋