I finally got the courage to walk out a month ago from my husband, who was verbally and physically abusive. I think I feel like this because the abuse didn't happen all the time, but when he would get mad.
I just didn't want to be in that type of relationship at all at any level, and it took me 3 years to even see that. But now I miss him. Terribly! I'm not about to go back to him, but I feel really sad about the whole situation. I still love him, but love is not enough sometimes.
He's since moved out, and I'm moving out of our place into my families until I save money to move into my own place.
Why do I feel like this? Please tell me this will pass and I'll be a better person for staying away!
In the mean time he keeps calling me acting like nothing is wrong and talking as if it's a phase and we'll be back together some day. How do I just come out with it and tell him that this is probably permanent even though he's in anger management/abusive classes and counseling?
2007-09-06 09:34:49 · 17 answers · asked by Jazy 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
forget him, you miss him because it was part of your day every day for the last 3 years to be abused, verbablly / physically.. Don't talk to him......you need counseling, don't worry about what he's doing, if you don't get it, the next guy you fall for will be exactly the same as him.......
you will be a much happier healthier person by sticking to your guns and staying away from him! Congrats on getting out of the sick relationship!
2007-09-06 09:41:25 · answer #1 · answered by abc 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
While abuse is never justified, it is a rare commodity to have an abusive relationship "alone". It ALWAYS takes two to tango.
Many women (and men) have the wrong notion that the other partner who is more physical is only to blame.
You need to mature, get back to taking responsibility to make your marriage work, and work it out. You cannot expect to just up and leave, and expect to be a hero. You'll definately have others buttering you up, but we cannot condone your actions either. You will not be a better person for staying away. You will be an immature person who ran away from taking responsibility. Why do we know? Because you gave the answer. "he's in anger management/...and counseling". If your husband has gone to those lengths to work on himself, the very least you can do is step up to the plate of being a mature adult and not a little pouty girl taking vengence because your'e hurt.
Physical abuse hurts. But I bet if you're honest, you are not an innocent bystander in all of that. In most cases that we've witnessed, there is provokation and much abuse in both partners. One tends to be more than the other, but BOTH partners share responsibility.
The question at hand is, "Are YOU taking classes and counseling?" If not, then he will be a hero for taking action to correct behaviour, while you took flight wanting other women to praise you for becoming a martyr.
Sorry so brash, but marriage is a lifetime event. And you'll have so many acting as if divorce is for any reason.
Go to counseling with him. Learn how to forgive. Learn how to communicate. Learn what YOU did to contribute to the rough and rocky relationship.
If you can do those things, you will have overcome incredible obstacles, and you will have power and confidence that no gossip-filled friend can give you.
http://www.housefellowship.org
2007-09-06 09:48:54 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You don't miss him because you love him & you can't love him because he is an abusive & anger person.. You took a desition then MOVE on & don't know if you had kids together or not even if you do DON"T let them spend time with him alone.. Get help !!! If you moved with a relative & has their # then tell them not to answer his calls or to say that you are not there eve if you are & if you have a cell change your number it will be better to star all over.. As long as you avoid him & don't asnwers his calls he & you will get over it specially you ..Life your new life left himn in the past you DON"T need him you deserve someone better than him & he will come just be patient & wait .. Get the divorce & if possible set a restriction order so you can have peace..But this will be only up to you to stop this & don't look back to have a better life ..Good luck & best wishes ~~
2007-09-06 09:49:07 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Relationships, especially abusive ones, are complicated. Times were not always bad and obviously you cared for this person or you would never had went through all you did. It is only natural that you will miss him some, miss what might have been etc...,
But the fact is that he has big issues and they are not resolved quickly. If you were to go back to him too soon, it is almost certain things will revert back to the abuse much more quickly than you imagine.
It is great that he is in counseling and getting help but often the one being abused needs counseling too to work through their own issues and the complexity of your emotions.
I know it is hard but you deserve better and you can do it. It is really the only logical choice you have.
Good Luck!
2007-09-06 09:46:03 · answer #4 · answered by wondermom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are doing the right thing. No matter how many people encourage your choice, it will still hurt. Trust me, I know. It took me 2 years of pain to fully get over my ex. All my family, friends, and co-workers knew the situation and encouraged me to not try and work it out. But I was in so much agony and pain that I tried to work it out anyway...3 times. After each of those failed, I finally was able, after more pain, to get over her. It's only been about 4 months now since I've actually become happy again without her. But I do enjoy life once again. All the little things that seemed so meaningless and empty when I was hurting now satisfy me.
I promise you this will pass. That's what people told me and my mind understood that but my heart didn't. I really felt it would never end. Everyone will give you different advice, but you heal at your own rate which may be much sooner or take way longer than everyone says. But again, having been there, I do promise it will pass and you will be happy again.
2007-09-06 10:48:59 · answer #5 · answered by sickblade 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok girlfriend. You were miserable before, and it took your 3 years to rid yourself of him, so count your blessings.
You are going to have to learn to be on your own and without a man. Please stop talking to him. This is only messing with your head.
Grieve the loss, then let it go. I would suspect you are more sad about the loss of what "could have been", rather than the actual loss of him.
Life will not always be this way. Things will get better. And tell him straight up that there is no future. Save yourself the grief of having him chase you for years for no reason. Life doesn't need to be so complicated if you nip it in the bud from the beginning.
2007-09-06 09:48:08 · answer #6 · answered by lefttheroom222 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You'll have a better life if you just stay away from him. As a survivor of a severely abusive relationship, I understand exactly how you feel. It is very difficult find yourself again and let yourself feel anything. You have taken the most important step by leaving. Now, you just have to show him who's in control- you! When he calls, you need to find that person deep down in your heart who has taken the abuse all this time, and let her do the talking. Forget that he's in anger management. That's his problem to deal with now. You need to do what's best for you. I was very scared for a long time. Then I realized, I'm my own person now and I refuse to let him continue to have any control over my life. Just believe in yourself and you'll make it through this tough time in you life. Good luck!
2007-09-06 09:51:28 · answer #7 · answered by ~~♥~mandy~&hearts~~ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like the abuse cycle where you got so used to it. you probably thought it was ok. i know you didnt but that is what half of you probably felt. or that it would stop. once a guy does that he will never stop. and yes its a very hard thing to do. i'm sure at times he made you happy. but you never deserve to be hit. yes it gets better. you just need time. just tell him you cant be in a relationship like that and that he needs help.
2007-09-06 10:29:38 · answer #8 · answered by falon 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you start thinking about it, our memory is kinda wierd. We remember the good things, and gloss over the bad. Just ask yourself if you want to get hit anymore? If the answer is no, then turn your mind to other things, read a book, watch a movie, anything but dwelling on the good parts of the relationship. Good luck, and stay strong.
2007-09-06 09:48:15 · answer #9 · answered by Qyllix 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Divorce is a loss regardless of the situation. And its a healing process same and any loss or death.
The abuse isn't your fault, but going back to him and it happening again is.
Just remember it gets easier everyday. Take up some hobbies. Explore your interests and learn who you are again.
2007-09-06 09:42:45 · answer #10 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋