Here's the quick version : 11 years ago, while we were freshman in college, I hooked up with my friends ex one night. Nothing substantial happened and he nor I ever mentioned it again, and we didn't tell anyone else either, including my friend.
I don't know how it came up now, but my friend found out and is pissed and sent me a vicious email about how I lied and was never really a friend to her.
I'm not defending my actions, I was young and stupid. It was a mean thing to do, but it was 11 years ago....
Should I be punished for the sins of my youth? I've apologized to her in retrospect, I understand that she's hurt, but am I expecting too much that she just get over it?
Plus she's dragging our mutual friends into this and I'm afraid they're going to be forced to take sides, and since I'm clearly in the wrong, it won't be my side they're taking.
Apparently hooking up with someone when you're 18 can come back to haunt you....who knew? Karma's a *****.
2007-09-06 07:21:01 · 7 answers · asked by ndewald2004 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
She and her ex haven't spoken in at least 5 years and no I never lied to her. I never said anything at all.....Thanks guys!
2007-09-06 07:35:20 · update #1
First off your didnt lie...If you dont talk about something its not lying, so she is wrong in calling you a liar. She should not be bringing mutual friends into it, ESPECIALLY since this happened 11 years ago. I can understand her being a little upset, but she should NOT be taking it this far. She obviously is the type of person that holds grudges. And its her freakin ex boyfriend, its not like they are still together. Who the hell cares, it was 11 years ago, tell her to get over it and move on. Yes you were young and stupid, but you cant change the past, but the past can change you, and you have obviously learned from it and its not like this is something that has happened over and over again. So if she wants to be this mad at you for something that happened 11 years ago then she has some growing up to do..She isnt worth talkig to if she is going to be a complete b**ch about it.
2007-09-06 07:29:57 · answer #1 · answered by tayvrc2006 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you two were men, the party who was wronged would probably shrug and say, "Oh well...she was a *beep* anyway..." regarding the ex, but the difference here could be a matter of it being a female thing. For some reason, female friendships are so much more complicated.
A few things - was this guy her ex when you hooked up with him or was he still with her? If it was her ex, was she still in love with him and did you know this? I hate to say it, but she does have some reason to be justified no matter what the time period if you knowingly did something that you know would have hurt her. There is no statute of limitations when it comes to betrayal of a friend.
It sounds like you already know it was wrong and it was something you did that was heinous...I guess you have to ask yourself how important this friendship is to you. I would make sure you apologize to her...and in front of the mutual friends if you can and limit your apologies to say - a few weeks. Make sure it is crystal clear to her that you really regret what you did and don't turn it into an argument about how, "Oh my God! It's been 11 years...so what?!"
After two weeks, if she still hasn't dropped it, tell her you really will miss her friendship, but you're not going to be abused continually for something you have spent 11 years regretting and then abandon the friendship. I guarantee if you show her nothing but kindness, she's going to be the one who feels like an a$$ if she keeps trying to hold this over your head. It's really hard to be pissed off at someone who is being humble and who genuinely feels bad for what they did. Let her anger play itself out and bite your tongue when you want to lash out at her. However, if she thinks she's going to spend 11 more years giving you hell to make up for what you did, then get away from her - fast. You are the one who has carried the guilt for 11 years, not her.
2007-09-06 07:48:38 · answer #2 · answered by thatblondechick77 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you didn't lie. You didn't mention to her that you were seeing her ex, so there was no lie being told. You took responsibilities for your actions and you apologized to her. That's all you can do. Talk to her about the situation and let her know that it happened 11 years ago. This is something that you wouldn't even do again and you learned from your mistakes. Let her know that she has no right whatsoever to bring mutual friends into the situation. She is wrong for doing that. She should find it in her heart to forgive you and get over it. If your friend decides not to get over it, that says a lot about her character- she is bitter and probably jealous of you. Good luck and I hope that everything works out between the 2 of you guys.
2007-09-06 07:38:41 · answer #3 · answered by Lady S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try telling your friend that or point her to this post. I think at 18 most people had a unwritten code of ethics. At the top of the list was hooking up with a friends x. Chances are it seems she has already decided what direction she wants to take your friendship. You can say your sorry only so many times then it just gets bothersome don't you think. I think at this point its not so much the x as much as it is you not telling her yourself. I am sure she is probably wondering what else you haven't told her and thats probably for her the worse part of it. As far as bringing other friends into it that seems a little elementry school, right. I think if i was you I would cut my loses and just put the ball in her court so to speak.
2007-09-06 07:34:18 · answer #4 · answered by paul r 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She must have other issues with you or she just has issues. This is not something that a normal person would end a friendship over. She needs to realize that she has slept over 4000 times since then. You kind of made a mistake. It was not a big mistake in the realm of mistakes though. You have apologized for it. Also, with the time between now and then, the statute of limitations has definately ran out. Does she even talk to this guy anymore? Does she even know where he is at? I bet she is just jealous of you.
2007-09-06 07:29:35 · answer #5 · answered by A.Mercer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What do you consider "substantial"?
How can she say you lied.............if nothing was ever said? That's not a lie and you need to point this out to her.
If the guy was an ex then it's really none of her business anyways! That didn't make you a "not a friend".
Are you sure she's not mad because at the time you did lie. If so, I can see why she doesn't value your friendship that much.
2007-09-06 07:28:07 · answer #6 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she cant get over it the friendship is OVER. Sit her down and ask her would she prefer to no longer be friends and act accordingly.
2007-09-06 07:24:24 · answer #7 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋