Am I doing the right thing? Leaving my husband?

Question

After 7 years of marriage, I am fed up and I want to "take a break" for awhile to clear my head. My husband has expected me to do absolutely everything for our entire marriage. He refuses to pick up after himself, do any house/yardwork, is lazy, and disrespects me. Now that I told him I am moving out, I feel guilty but I also feel its necessary for my well being. We don't have children. I am a free spirit who needs independence and respect (and self respect). He needs to learn what he should have learned 20 years ago; how to take care of himself and his own finances. I feel like I can't breathe. It will be a struggle financially for me & I'm NOT asking him to help support me while I try to figure things out. Do you think he will ever grow into the man I need him to be or should I just cut my losses and get on with my life? Its scary out there by yourself. Just asking for some sane advice.

Answer 1

You're not happy. You have a right to be happy. So leave him already. Once you're gone it won't matter if he changes or learns better. He won't be your problem anymore.

Answer 2

Go for it, you are doing the right thing. You absolutely deserve better than this. But you don't need to 'take a break' you need to break off the marriage and end it once and for all.

Sadly this man is one of those mommas boys who has never learned to do anything around the house. He won't cook, clean, do house or yard work, take care of the finances etc. So what the hell use is he? Unless you want to spend the rest of your life with a grown child living with you, then you need to move on now.

Now some women are okay catering to a baby-half man like this. But here's the final nail in the coffin of your relationship: He disrespects you. So not only does he take you for granted, and expect you to be his little house slave, he also disrespects you as well. It might be different if he at least appreciated the fact that he has a live in maid, but he doesn't.

Yeah it may suck financially doing everything yourself. But at least you won't have to work your real job, and then a second job cleaning up after this man when you get home.

It may be scary being out there by yourself, but you know what, it is exciting too. The next man you meet may actually be the man of your dreams. You'll one day look back on this relationship and wonder why it took you seven years to realize that it sucked.

Good luck!

Answer 3

If he's as rotten as you say he is, why did you marry him in the first place? There must have been some redeeming quality he had seven years ago that prompted you to say "I do." And I'll bet there are still some positive aspects to him that you haven't disclosed to us because you're so "fed up" with things today. Sit down and think about what the positive things were that attracted you to him. Then sit down and think about how you interact with him; what can you change that will produce different results?

Does it have to be an either-or type of thing? You have needs that are not being met, and you've been enabling him to sluff off on meeting his needs. That obviously needs to change, but there are ways to make those changes without throwing away the relationship.

He will not grow into the man you need him to be, or the man he needs to be, as long as you keep enabling his current behavior, so you aren't doing him any favors by continuing with the status quo. But a big question you should ask yourself is whether or not your enabling behavior will carry over into the next relationship. If it does, then leaving this relationship will not solve your problem. This is just an educated guess, but I'm thinking that the problem between the two of you is probably in the dynamic between the two of you and not a significant character flaw in either of you.

The answer here, whether you decide to salvage the relationship or abandon it, is to change the way you are showing up in the equasion. Take responsibility for your needs, and hold your partner capable of meeting his. My experience has been that when I've changed how I show up in the conversation, the other person changes with me.

It may be that when you change, his adaptation will be dysfunctional and manipulative, but if you hold your ground and don't let the manipulation work, it will stop. He behaves the way he does because there's a payoff for him. If the manipulation doesn't provide the desired payoff, he will find a different behavior to get it. It may take a while to get where you want to be, but eventually you will get there.

You've behaved the way you have because there's a payoff for you so it's also possible that your choosing to move out is an attempt at manipulation; that will probably fail to get you what you really want. Some people, especially women, like to play the martyr and get an emotional payoff from being able to complain to friends and get sympathy and attention. (Go see "Fiddler on the Roof" and watch Yente, the Matchmaker's, character! Its a great characture of what I'm talking about.) Are you one of these? Is there some other payoff for you? Figure out what the payoffs are and why they are payoffs. Figure out why you and your husband interact the way you do, then you can figure out what to change and how to change it.

This answer isn't about you or him being right or wrong; its about finding a solution to your problem that is a real solution. You and your husband fell in love and made a decision seven years ago that you wanted to spend your whole lives together (or at least that is what marriage is supposed to be about). Something has that cross-threaded now. That kind of committment deserves at least a whole-hearted examination of the behavior of both of you before you toss it out with the morning paper.

Answer 4

I would have to say no, not in this case. It is never ok to leave your spouse, however a break may be needed as well as open communication. If you are unable to sit down and have a serious heart to heart about what's bothering you see a professional who may be able to help you express your feelings to one another. Sounds like his habits have finally gotten to your last nerve, however you have accepted this behavior "for better or worse". I can think of much more difficult situations that couples rise above. If you take a much needed break or a break to give him a reality check, please be careful that it doesn't distance you even more. Do not nag him, he may dig his heels in deeper.
Let him know that he can do his fair share and be specific in what you need help with such as which bills etc. Then ALLOW HIM TO DO IT. Don't take care of it when you see a disaster coming, he hasn't done it for a while so allow him to fall and get back into it. Don't take it back in a couple years, you've done it for the first 7! Allow time for it to become a routine and responsibility to him. I would also recommend you to keep close physically and plan more date nights even if you're the one making the plans.
Do whatever it takes to live out the life commitment you made to love and honer your husband. The next one you end up with could be even worse someday, a road I'm sure you don't want to go down. There is much hope for your situation, see the light at the end of he tunnel.
Best of luck!

Answer 5

When a person is in a relationship in which they have to do everything (emotionally) this person gets worn out because all you do is give and give and never get something back. I'm not saying that you should give to receive, but in a relationship there has to be a give- and- take balance that will satisfy both ends. Remember that it takes two to make it work and if he is not willing to invest his time, his energy and his love for you then you will still find yourself in the same place you've been for these 7 years.
If happiness is what you're seeking then keep in mind that if you don't find it yourself, no one else will do it for you.
If you feel that your marriage still has a chance then find solutions together to make it work, team up and demand that self respect you feel he hasn't given you. The best of luck with your decision.

Answer 6

It sounds to me as if you've given this PLENTY of thought and that you're doing this for all the right reasons.

I agree with you that BOTH members of a relationship MUST carry their own weight...this is why the other person's called a "PARTNER." If he can't lift a finger or even so much as offer encouragement or appreciation, then you have no alternative -- from my point of view -- but to get yourself free of such a stifling situation.

I wish you luck. Be sure you have everything in order before you go. Get your finances in line, change all the things that have your name on them (utilities, etc) if you're leaving the dwelling, otherwise you'll still be liable. And make SURE he cannot access your personal funds. THAT would be a disaster (and I've seen it happen).

And if he should decide to become violent at ALL during the transition, do NOT hesitate to contact the police. People become desperate when it is clear and apparent they are losing the one thing they thought they had control over.

Take care.

Answer 7

After 7 years, i doubt if he'll change. But you can change or change the situation. You seem to be a smart and strong woman. You deserve a much better guy and to have a HAPPY and HEALTHY relationship don't you think. That's what i always told myself the couple of times i was in a bad relationship. And i was right. After deciding to let go and move on, i found self respect and finally i met the right person who share the same values i do. Goodluck to you..

Answer 8

If you still love him and think that you should work it out.. Get marriage counseling.. However, I could understand where you are coming from he does not help you around the house and he has the nerve to be disrespectful. The good thing about your situation is you do not have children, so it will make it a little easier.
I was trying to leave my husband but I have 4 children with him, I am not saying that you have to stay in a marriage for the children. My situation is just more complicating. Well good luck to you and maybe by you moving out he will realize it and get his act together.

Answer 9

Cut your losses. Yes it's scary, but you can do it. I got divorced last year, at 35, and I know how it can feel to be out there on your own for the first time. But look at this way: you have obviously been taking care of yourself all this time, right? Doesn't sound like he took care of you at all. So you have nothing to be afraid of. You are a strong, smart, independent woman with her whole life ahead of her. Congratulations for finding your self respect. Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 10

My suggestion is to separate for now, not divorce. I think you should tell him... I love you and i don't want our marraige to end, but i can't go on like this.

You need to do some chores, take care of finances, and be respectful to me. If that won't change, a divorce is going to occur.

Get some marraige counseling. He may turn things around. Just be prepared...he may say fine...get lost, and you need to be prepared to move on.

Trust me, you will find a better situation. However, don't give up on a marraige without giving the process all you can.

Answer 11

Honey, a bended tree will never get straight. He is not going to change. I think you are doing the right thing. Leave him for good. Why would you need a lazy, disrespectful, good for nothing, sorry excuse for a husband? Walk away, you will find somebody that will give you love, respect, understanding and at the same time care for you. You deserve it. Good luck in your endeavor.