Is there any ways to help cope with a controlling mother?

Question

I'm a twenty year old woman. Sometimes i feel like screaming. My mum seems to think that she can fone whenever she wants and i'll be in, that i'll help with anything. She expects me to come to her house when ever she wants and me to drop everyone else if i had other arrangements. She takes me on MASSIVE guilt trips if i dont go to hers or help out with complicated things that i dont even understand . She only listens to her point of view and not mine .. for example: i like a drink once a month or so and if she finds out she goes mental saying i drink too much. theres a whole lot of stuff.. but it wears me down.. how do i get her to understand i am a person with a life that wont be there all the time to bow down to her and do whatever she needs done. Basically I'm fed up getting told whats right and wrong in her view when i have my own ideas of what i want to do and other things to do apart from running about after her.

oh and i live away with my bf sorry lol. :)

just to let you know that we are VERY close.. thats one of the reasons why she thinks she can tell me what to do... i helped her a lot with big problems just as she has with mine... oh and she doesnt come round to mine because she is scared to drive to mine because shes not very confident in driving and i do phone her regularly but that has NO EFFECT on her calling another 3 times and asking where iv been if i dont answer the fone.

Answer 1

Have you ever tried to talk to her about the way you feel? She is probably not even aware that she is doing it. I would try having a talk with her over brunch and keep reminding her on how happy you are with how your life is going and thank her for raising you up right. That's what I do with my mom and it works every time.. Plus it doesn't hurt her feelings. But remember also that just because you are grown up doesn't give you and excuse to ignore your mother so make sure that you are the one giving her a call every once in awhile!

Answer 2

You must establish your independance. Get an answering machine and let the message thingee pick up when she calls ....and only call back once a day. This way she will understand you are not going to be at her beckon call 24/7.
Only visit once a week. When she questions you on this, say, oh well, I have just been very busy.
If she dictates that you WILL be involved in this or that, simply dont follow through...after a few times she will get the hint. You may have to openly tell her, well, I didnt agree to that, I had prior obligations. ( Even if that prior obligation was to sit on your bed and read a book to relax. )
If she comes over to your house...Keep the door locked....and only let her in when it is convenient for you, and act as if you were sleeping and are in no frame of mind to be entertaining anyone. Then say, Mom, you really should call before coming over. If she has a key, change the lock. You are allowed to have your privacy.
You may have to do these things several times to get your point across, but it can be done. Don't give up.
After a while, she will realize that if she doesn't start respecting you as the adult you have become that she will run the risk of you not wanting her around at all.
She has to start treating you like an adult. Don't cut her out of your life completely, she is your mother and you love her.
But, you must establish some boundaries. She won't like it, but you have to do it to maintain your sanity.
She is just trying to hold onto her baby, and that is wonderful, we all love our mothers for that, but we also have to grow up and have a life in the meantime.
Good luck!

Answer 3

Avoid her to a degree where you control how involved she is in your life. For example, screen phone calls, we did! Mother in law was just like your mom. About 9 months ago we pretty much cut contact with her, now we are back on speaking terms. I mean, this woman was draaaaaaaaaaining and deeeemaaaaaanding! No exagerration here, she was.

You have more control than you think. No need to be disrespectful to her, just take control of the situation so that your not pulling your hair out. Speak your mind (respectfully) even tho you know she won't accept it, but at least you cant be accused of not communicating. In time, she'll come around and see that your not taking her controlling behaviour any more, and that your an adult making a life for yourself. Best wishes!

Answer 4

Find a hobby for her, maybe that will take some attention away from you. Certain characteristics are set for life, there is nothing you can change but maybe control a bit better. How about calling her before she calls you that way you can control the calls. Try to show your independence by doing right, letting her know how good you are doing and not bad. Have her take a class at a nearby school so that she can meet people her age. Good luck.

Answer 5

In my experience, opinionated older women are a hard bunch to win over. I think you should just lay it out for her, like you just did here with us, and she will definitely attempt to give you a guilt trip, but you have to be strong enough to not let her. Just keep saying to yourself, "She'll get over it." If she absolutely refuses to ever acknowledge your feelings and opinions as valid, maybe it is best to cut ties with her. As a woman who considers my mom my best friend, I know it would be very difficult for you to sever the tie completely, but you deserve better than this. She makes you feel like a silly child all the time, like your life and feelings don't matter. If my mom acted like that, we wouldn't be friends, I'll tell you that much. Your mom needs to understand that if she wants a quality relationship with her daughter, she needs to realize that you grew up and are your own person, instead of laboring under the delusion that you're still a little girl who needs to be told right from wrong. Be strong, and you will get an outcome that is pleasing to you, eventually.

Answer 6

lol i know wht exactly u mean the first and formost thing u should do is behave the same way ur mom is behaving with u. if she decides what u should do then u should also say she is wrong, coversation and understanding is a two way process, and if still no hope then u pin point her mistakes too like if she expect u to come at her place at any odd time thn u to deliberatly make her come at ur place at odd time specially when u know she is very busy. if she drinks even half glass thn u too say she drinksss to much make her feel wht kind of life she is makin u live. make her understand tht her teaching wont go to waste and u r capable of taking good care of urself. all the best.

Answer 7

Ok, first you`re wrong!
I can`t believe you are writing this...
I`m sorry if this doesn`t come out right?

This is your mother... Someone who gave birth to you. WHO was there for you every minute of your life....
She`s controlling because she cares..
Do you know most people don`t have that. A mom who cares!
You`re young 20 years old!
you`re not old enough to disrespect your mother.
Fine you moved out/ you still have to respect her and love her.
Do you know how many young kids out there drink and get behind the wheel. Or drink and get hurt.
She doesn`t want anything bad to happen to you..

What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and didn`t have a mother?
Knowing all that time you were acting childish..
you could of spent that time with her....
I look up to my parents/ now that I`m grown up
we talk all the time.. we have are disagreements.
but I respect them/
My mom is my best friend.. she is always there for me. the time she needs me- yeah I would drop everything for her..
She did for me..

One more thing<<<
one day your gonna be a mom
would you want your son or daughter disrespecting you? treating you badly.

Answer 8

You don't ..Change your phone number,
Your an adult, let her know you won't be taking any of her phone calls because she hasn't cut the umbilical cord on her side yet. You will check in once a month from a public phone and if she starts on you again length the time to 2 months, etc.
I am sure you have someone on your side that can check on your mother to make sure she is okay and let you know. I am assuming your Dad no longer lives with her.

Answer 9

Her 'guilt trip` is just like that once a month drink.
It has no effect unless it is swallowed.
Yes, you do 'owe your Mum`, but not everything.
"Look, I'm kinda busy now. I'll call you back."
Is a good start.
In extreme cases "Hey! I've got a life too." has been known to have some effect.

Answer 10

well i have alot of experience in this area with my mum to and i found that she can be controling at times but your 20 now right you need to make it clear to her that you can make descision's for yourself and that she dosn't need to control everything you do it's not like your 12 years old anymore your an adult and she should respect that and also vice versa you said she wants you to visit and drop anything even when you have arrangments just discuss with her that it's really not a good time and that you will visit her as often as you can it's just RESPECT if you respect your mum then she will notice that your an adult now and that she as to do the same regardless that you are her child show her that your life is in your hands now not her's and that you can make descisions by yourself so on that note good luck.