Husband said to me " WHEN AM I GOING TO GET OVER MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER BEING SEVERLY HANDICAPPED '?

Question

I don't talk about it to anyone, I know they don't want to hear about it. Not even my husband. I am raising my beautiful 19 year old severly handicapped daughter. It breaks my heart everyday I see normal children, teenage girls laughing. I have missed everything with her. She will never marry, she will never have a first kiss, no grandchildren for me. But still in front of everyone I pretend to be so strong and brave, when I really want to roll up in a ball and die than watch her struggle another day. When people ask me how is your daughter, I only answer oh same ole same ole. Well please tell me what you think about this. My husband her step-father said to me ,,,,because I wanted to tell him how much it hurts to watch her struggle , he said to me and I quote "WHEN ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GET OVER IT " I am still in shock that any human could say that to a mother of a handicapped child. I will never get over it,I will only learn to live with it. Am i being to senitive.

Answer 1

No you aren't being sensitive. Your daughter, your beautiful baby, will never have the normal life that you dreamed of. I think your husband is being insensitive. Every mother on the planet hopes for a healthy active baby who has a future. When that doesn't happen you feel betrayed, a failure and you feel like it's your fault.
Please no matter what you need to get into a support group of parents who also have mentally challenged children. They are there so you can talk. You will find that these people are people who are going thought the same thing you are. You will find friends there who will understand your doubts and guilt's.
No matter what, your daughter is a gift, she has brought you her own type of joy and beauty that is so uniquely hers. Yes it's hard, but she knows your her mother and she knows that you love her. That's the greatest gift any mother could receive.

Answer 2

Unlike some of the answerers to this question...I don't believe your daughter was born to you for " a reason ". It was just a fluke, a genetic defect and it all happened by chance, pure "bad luck", I guess you can call it. I don't believe people are born this way "for a reason"...that doesn't make any sense. Why would their lives be meant to be that way ? No...it's just a flaw in nature, genetics...whatever.

BUT...the thing is, it happened to YOU and you chose to keep this child and raise her, take care of her the best that you can and you have done this so far. You have had a tough job and it takes a lot of patience and unselfishness to be responsible for a child like this. It is sad that she will never have a "normal" life and it doesn't seem fair. I shudder to think about what I'd do if faced with that decision. You have to give up your life for taking care of theirs. It's something you decided to do, you didn't abandon her or give her up for adoption or leave her on the side of the road somewhere like some crazy people do. But you have to live with your decision and you should try to make the most of it. Being sad and too sensitive over it is not going to change a darn thing...right ? So quit comparing her life to others...that'll be hard to do, I know. But what good has it done so far ? If you're still unhappy and sad over her life's outcome...then maybe you should take on a different approach and attitude. It's easier said than done...coming from someone with no kids, of course. Look at it this way...at least you are having an opportunity, as difficult as it may be, at being a parent and caring for someone other than yourself. Some people never get that opportunity. I guess that's one positive way to look at it.

Answer 3

I have a 10 year old daughter with autism and I can't look at it as "she can't do some things". What I see is that I get her hugs, her kisses, her love. I coach ball so that she can play in her own way. We bought adaptive seats for our 4-wheeler so that she can ride. We bought an intertube that she can be pulled on behind the boat. We bought an adaptive bike so that she now rides with us.

She is a part of EVERY part of our life.

I am aware that our situations are different as your daughter is severely handicapped. We will all have our days with the "what ifs and life isn't fair", but you know what? My daughter will have a prom, even if it is at my house. She may not get married, but she already has "boyfriends:)" .........

Accept her for who she is, not what she isn't and your life attitude and your attitude towards others will change.

She is a gift. No one else could love her more than you do.

Possibly because she isn't your husband's biological child, he doesn't feel the depth of love and pain that you do. It was rude and inconsiderate for him to say that to you, but at the same time, how long has your pity party been going on? Does he want you to just accept her for who she is and get over the pity and feeling sorry for yourself and deal with the fact that you indeed are blessed with a beautiful daughter????

Answer 4

OH! I am so sorry for your silent struggle.. I am sorry that you cannot share your feelings with anyone.. what a lonely feeling that must be..
I think that you should try to focus on the positives.. Your daughter has an innocent spirit... She has a perfect soul.. she doesn't see the terrible things in the world, and won't have to deal with the stresses that we do.. Not in the same way anyhow.
Don't think about the things that are never going to happen for her.. she doesn't know any better.. think of the blessings that she has brought into your life. and be okay with that. Be thankful that you get to spend so much time loving her..

i hope you find peace...

Answer 5

You should stop thinking about the things she doesn't do and concentrate on the things she does do. Anything and everything that she does is a great achievement for her and you should do what you can to make her proud of it and be proud yourself. Brag to your friends about anything that she learns to do. You have to put things into the perspective of having a young child forever. People will see how proud you are of her accomplishments and be happy for you.

I think your husband just meant in a harsh way that you need to quit feeling sorry for the way she is and for yourself on missing out on having a "normal" child. I'm sure she accepted a long time ago the way she is and all she really wants is acceptance from you. Plus there are lots of things you can do together that other families do just with a few differences.

Answer 6

Melanie,

You have my deepest sympathy. The situation you are in is very difficult. I think you really need emotional support from someone, somewhere. I'm sure the situation is hard for your husband as well.

Your feelings are completely normal, and your family is under stress. I think what your husband is trying to say is that the handicap is not going to change, so the only you can do is try to look at things as positively as possible.

I highly recommend you and your hubby see a marriage counselor. One thing you and he need to realize is that the support you give your daughter is a praiseworthy and noteworthy thing. Her life would be more of a travesty if she were to face custodial care by the State, for example.

You have all my prayers and respect.

Answer 7

You need to get involved with a support group -- other parents who are struggling with the same issues you are. Find out how they cope. No one else but one who has been in the same position can understand what you are going through.

If you have been going through this for 19 years, and you still find it to be a daily struggle, that must be extremely difficult for you. Raising a handicapped child is never easy, but most people learn to find the happiness in the situation rather than to continue to dwell on the negatives. Since you seem to be still dwelling on the negatives, and this is causing strife between you and your husband, you need to find others who struggle as you do and find out how they make their lives work.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 8

He was unsensitive, but after all of these years of pain, what is left? It's time to wake up. Being the primary caretaker of a handicaped adult is hard labor. Sure he was rude, but he has a point, a BIG point.

Feeling sorry for yoruself and for your daughter will not allow you to move on past your heart break, Sure, it hurts to see other girls etc. by you have to come to terms with the reality of your situation and learn to accept it.

19 years is a long time to keep on holding grudge and keep all this pain inside you. Life is not fair, but because of it you cannot punish everyone around you. You are here, so is yoru daughter and yoru husband and the rest of the world.

Comparing yourself (and your daughter) to others will only make you miserable. Is that what you want? Is that what your child would like?

Enough pain already. You are not the only one that is suffering. Everyone around you feels the heartache as well, but you seem to think that you are the only one suffering and the only one entitled to bear the badge of the marthyr..

You think that you are the only one suffering here, what a bout yoru husband? He is also suffering, not only for your beautiful daughter, but also, for you, that has gave up on life and love and marriage. You are alive, have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband, so stop acting like a corpse!

Being a victim of life's unfainess it's NOT cute, no one will give you a medal for being a great mother and a suffering caretaker. This is life and you have to cope with this without hating everyone outside your victim chair.

Being a marthyr will not make you a better mother or a better wife. Being happy with the blessings in yoru life will make you and yours happy.

Enough pity-parties already, everybody knows already how hard it is and my guess is that this has been going on for years. Have fun and be happy, take care of yoru husband, act like you have joy in your life! because you have JOY in yoru life but you just want to focus on the burden of what it can't be or what you don't have.

I'm sorry to be so honest with you, but my guess is that you can use some honesty. Taking some counseling or reading some self-help books can help you move on past anger and move to acceptance. No one is contesting that your life is hard, but for God's sake, it's time to enjoy and bring joy to the ones that love you.

Be happy, your daughter and husband need that!

Good luck

Answer 9

Dear Melanie:

I am so sorry. I can only say I have a sister in law who is now 28 was born with down syndrome. My mother in law lost it when she was born. She so wanted a girl after having 3 boys.
My in laws split as my father in law wanted nothing to do with this child. My mother in law raised her on her own. The family did not help and often made remarks on how they felt uncomfortable about her being around a Handy cap child. Due to my mother in law getting ill my sister in law went into an adult home but my mother in law picked her up every weekend she is not "over it." She will never be over it as it is not something you can get over. I do not think you are over sensitive as people take for granted when then have a child who is born healthy and don't have a clue as to what is like to live your life.
You will never be" over it"

Answer 10

No you are not being too sensitive.

Now first, let him know that this hurt you and that it cost him in that you lost respect for him that he can't have more empathy.

Then, check into your community resources and find a support group to help you with these feelings. You cannot deal with all this alone and I don't know how you have made it this far! Other parents who have been in your situation will be able to provide the understanding that you need. Also, check into respite care--this is a way to have some time off. In my town the local Mental Health facility provides wonderful weekend respites for parents who need a break.