Difficult & Crazy!?

Question

My fiance has two children with a girl who is pyschotic. She drinks all the time and hates that he is with me and our kids that we have together so she uses visits with her kids as a punishment toward my fiance. She will not let him see them b/c of me. She is very immature and we have tried to reason with her and I have personally tried talking with her one on one and be an adult about the whole thing but there is no use. He pays child support and does try to be a dad. She's impossible to reason with or deal with. Its always an arguement about me when he tried to talk to her about the kids. We have asked about him getting visitation rights and so on and we make too make to get financial help and at the same time cannot afford a lawyer. He doesnt feel he should have to take from our family and children by paying child support for children he cannot even father or be a part of. He's thought about giving up rights so that he wont have any obligation to her anymore. What can he do and how?

To set the record straight-he had my kids first. We went our seperate ways for over two years and thats when this girl said she was on birth control both times and now they have two kids-and is she wants him to ahve nothing to do with them then why in the world should he have to fork money over to her still so she can go get drunk and so on. No-its not right!

Answer 1

If he doesn't want to pay child support he shouldn't have had those kids. Why should he take that financial support away from them? That's a straight-up dirtbag move. And giving up his joint custody won't do away with his court ordered obligation to pay support unless the mother consents. And why would she?

Sounds like three people in this situation need to grow up and think about all the kids involved.

Answer 2

Child support, custody, residency and visitation are separate parts to the puzzle. You cannot withhold child support because visitation is withheld. You mentioned that the support paid takes away from "our family and children". Keep in mind that the child support is paid for the benefit of his children that do not reside with him. If you believe support is too high, do some calculations regarding it. You can find a child support calculator on the web for any state.

Talking is the best way to handle it. However you seem to have made an effort in that area.

You can't afford an attorney but you want visitation. Well if you wanted a new car I think you would find a way. I know that is rude and insensitive. However my point is that you should consider the attorney fees as an investment in the children. I know attorneys want a lot of money to work on these cases (as I am an attorney in KS). However, many will work with you on payments.

Good luck

Answer 3

I've been in a similar situation - as a child and as a partner of a man. I know how much this hurts as a child and how helpless it feels to be with a man in this situation. He should be willing and obliged to pay child support no matter what the visitation situation is. Just be super careful never to diss the mother in front of the children or it will forever confuse and hurt them and turn them against him and you. As his partner, sometimes you will just need to take a back step and let him deal with it by himself and keep your mouth shut no matter how much you want to protect him.

Whatever you do, never ever ever say anything bad about the mother in front of his children. You don't want to be the wicked step mother who will make them resent their father. Just smile, give them cake and make them feel welcome in your home. When they are gone, vent with a friend, not with him. He will have these children for life and he will be a better man in your life if he takes responsibility for them no matter what trouble it makes for you both.

I can understand why some men would give up their visitation rights, though, as much as it hurts them. When you've got a crazy woman screaming at him in front of the children, upsetting them, every fortnight it almost seems like an act of mercy to stay away.

Good luck

EDIT:
After reading your additional details I hope someone is praying for these children who didn't "come first" and who didn't remind their father-to-be the SECOND time about birth control. You just think this is all about money, don't you? Do you realise how selfish and stupid you sound? Why are you back with this idiot?

You need to get your act together as a human being before you create more people as sad as you. The further away you keep from these kids, the better. No... that doesn't mean he has to abandon them.

You will expect him to pay child support for YOUR kids, though? Of course you will. Maybe if he leaves you then you will empathise with someone else.

Answer 4

Oh sure he can't see the kids so let them suffer and go without! Glad he loves them so much! Is that what you want him to do to you and your kids if you break up? He needs to work two jobs then and try and get custody of the kids if she's that out of it, or at least get his visitation! Nothing should be more important to him than being able to see his kids or have them!!! How could you even consider him giving up his children??? He had those kids first and is obligated to support them even if he doesn't get to see them! Their support should come before support of the kids he had with you even! They were here first! The two of you need to get your priorities in order and do what's right for those kids!!!

Answer 5

Get this right -- the child support obligation isn't towards the mother, it's towards the kids. If he's not able to see them because she won't allow it, then you need a judge and an order allowing visitation.

He owes money to those kids, regardless of who had kids with whom, and if it was before or after, or what. If he didn't want to "take from our family and children by paying child support," then he should have kept it in his pants. None of that crap matters. I think all three of you need to stop being petty and concentrate on the childrens' lives (which you are ruining with your BS) instead of your own petty squabbling. You're setting a terrible example for all of his kids.

Answer 6

Don't feel alone, so many people are going thru the same thing. Unless she decides to change, its going to be a tuff road for you. Of course the kids will pay even greater. No dad, a drunk mother. Sad isn't it? You could report her to Welfare, let them investigate her. There really should be a law against women like her, destroying you lives and that of her children.

Answer 7

Giving up parental rights will not absolve child support payments unless she agrees to it (and perhaps not even then). If he is paying support, he must have papers concerning visitation. If so, it is illegal to hold back visitation even if the non-custodial parent is behind on support payments. If his papers give him visitation rights, she is in contempt if she withholds it. This can be reported to the Child Support Bureau.

Answer 8

im sorry to correct you, but he doesn't have an obligation to her ,,he does however have one to his children,,giving up his rights,,he must be crazy, that would be like giving up on his child,,talk with the children and ask what they think,,do they want to live with both of you , or their crazy mother,,they might not think she is so crazy,,get a court ordered visitation,,then their isn't anything she can do to keep them apart or she will go to jail for violating it tell him to keep up hope,and not to give up just so he won't have to deal with her the only one's it will hurt will be both of you and the kids,,not her

Answer 9

I know that this is a hard situation for your fiance but please don't let him give up his rights to his children. They will be the ones to suffer if he does that, not your fiance's ex. Secondly, you don't say which State you live in but most States now have legal assistance clinics, sometimes connected directly with the court itself, that are free to assist people who can't afford an attorney and who are representing themselves to fill out court paperwork and filing the documents, etc. His ex DOES NOT have the right to refuse to allow him to see his children. However, in order for the police to be able to help to make sure that he can see his children he needs to have a Child Custody and Visitation Court Order on file with your local family court. I have represented myself in family court too many times to count and learned how to fill out all the paperwork myself as I couldn't and didn't want to hire an attorney. Believe it or not, most people don't even need an attorney with regards to Family Court. And most Judges tend to be more supportive towards people who are representing themselves in court(as long as they're decent non-abusive people who genuinely care about their kids), especially if there are child support issues, as you're not wasting money that could be supporting your children on an attorney. Also, tell your fiance to keep a log of attempts he has made to arrange visitation with his kids. Best yet, is if he communicates solely through email or letters to his ex(make sure the letters are mailed requiring a signature from his ex to prove she received them). If she doesn't sign for them that's OK. Keep the returned/refused letters to show to the Judge. My ex abandoned our son in 2003 and because I couldn't locate him I relocated to the UK in 2006 without notification to him. I was finally able to track him down after I had relocated and took him to court and he tried to claim that I illegally kidnapped our son to the UK(a very serious allegation that could have seen me arrested or jailed). I was able to prove to the Judge through my log that I made every attempt to locate him and he has since lost all visitation rights with my son and the allegation of kidnap was determined to be unfounded. If you'd like to email me to see if I can help to sort out what you need to do depending on which State you reside in I'd be more than happy to try to help put you on the right path. Good Luck and don't give up.

Answer 10

Get a lawyer. That's the only person that can help sort this out.