What is going on? why do I feel the way I do?

Question

So here is the situation. My guy and I had separated after 13 years because of some emotional stuff going on. I couldn't take it and needed a break. Had to go to court and get a protection order. the day I got the PO I felt terrible like it was over and because of this reached out to him. Decided that I did still love him and maybe things were worth fixing. He came back to the house and has been there ever since even know we have a current protection order. (breaking the law). However as much as I love him and will always love him I don't think that I love him the way I need to love him. Something is dead. I do still think about this other man that entered my life during the course of all this. My family will back me with whatever I decide to do. they just want me to be happy. Im not sure if I feel content. Yesterday was my birthday and I wanted to go out with my family but he made me feel guilty about wanting to go without him. I do still need some time to myself once and awhile.

Answer 1

Geeze, hunnie, still can't love yourself huh? 13 years of subjecting yourself to this guy and you still want to cope with his bs for the simple fact you love him.... See we confuse ourselves so much with LOVE, it isn't the point. ANIMALS LOVE! Cats, dogs, and even those little annoy birds love! Look at them next time they have a wee one, they lick them, watch after them, care for them, feel for them, so love is a pretty primative emotion, its nothing special that only us humans get to enjoy it. But we do have something they don't that makes lovin heck, know what that is? Thats right this darn brain, its not wired for lovin, its wired to give love more meaning, thats its just associated meaning with stimla, which is just technical mobojombo for it gives things meaning. BUt its your brain thats there to keep LOVE from making your life heck, and your fighting it for the sack of the more primative part of you, the love. See were wired that way, love wins all! Espacially if we let it, so people stay with abusive spouses,. we love melesting parents, we have twisted relaitonships because quite frankly we think loves more important then are own common sense.... theres times for that to be true, but your abusing it. This guys isn't worth your time, see that little action he did were he didn't let you go with your family. That was childish, that was uncaring, that was neglectful, that was even abusive, yet you take it, and even justify (to a small amount) him being able to do that. You feel all it is, is that he likes to spend time with you, sorry what he likes to do is control you and he has had 13 years to become an expert at that, and quite frankly, he's got you wrapped around his figure..... and really its all your fault, becuase like I said in the beganing, you never took the time out to really understand what it means to love yourself, 13 years now, self hating, self neglecting, and self abusing yourself with this guy, and of course your not done, you know no other way.... such is us humans, we'll love hell if we set are minds up for that... but alas thats why I lost faith....