christian advice needed, what do I do when I find questionable evidence that my husband is cheating?

Question

ok married for 11 years, 3 girls. Over the last six months we have had a really tough time keeping our marriage together. I have found several text messages, on e-mail and now have a person saying that they seen him being more than freindly with another woman while he was at a conference. That is pretty much the last straw for me. I just don't know what to do now. Where do I start? Or What should be done first? I prefer christian based advice and not the kick him to the curb stuff. This is serious and I have 3 girls to think about and I really want to know how to handel this in a Godly manner.

Answer 1

My parents went through something similar except he really WAS cheating. They went through counceling at our church and got Godly counceling from the couples in the bible study they've been involved with since 1980. Dad ended up choosing his family (mom and us four daughters) over whoever it was he was messing around with. The last 5 years of their marriage before he passed away (3 years ago in an accident) were the best since the honeymoon stages.

I know this because when he passed, (as the oldest of 4 girls) I became moms best friend. She shared with me the trials they went through, helped me greive as did her. But this is what I learned from her on this topic...

Its definitely something that HE needs to wake up to. As his wife, you need to confront him with your querys and possibly go to him with one or more people who are seeing the same signs. These need to be people that HE respects and will hear from.

All you can do as his wife is pray intensley for him (Power of a Praying Wife) and contiually life up your relationship to God in both your prayers and your actions. If your husband lets the Lord guide his feet, then he WILL be brought back to you in a fuller and more passionate way than before. But ultimately, the darned human nature and the fact that God gave up the option to chose our fate will be where this batte gets sticky. Plead with God on behalf of your marriage and your children and show your husband that your arms WILL be fully open to him once he has fully turned his eyes back on God first, then your family.

Go read Hosea....think how hard it was for him to receive Gomer back into his life after she willfully ran from him back into her life of prostitution...inexplicably hard, but do-able through the grace of God...

Answer 2

As a woman with children who I love, I would like to answer. I would think very slowly about leaving. That would be my last option. Affairs happen for many reasons and marriages can build back up and regain trust when people deal with what causes people to pull away. You have a bond, a faith and if he shares that, it should help you come together again.
Your children want to live in a home with their father and you have spent 11 years with this man. You married him under God and this is the worse part. Break it down-why are you struggling? Is it about power, sex, money? These things you can control and work out.
If you feel you have compelling evidence of cheating then you must ask him directly to stop it and have no contact if the marriage will continue. You must tell him that you think you two are worth saving and it can't be just for the girls.
What is happening that is making things so hard. Can you think of what he does right and bring some positive into every day. Can you find praise for him and look at him as someone who completes your family in a way no other man can?
I don't mean be a doormat for this behavior, it is unacceptable. However, some people fall into bed with other people because they think someone else appreciates them, this other person has all the advantages of being new and not having to nag about dirty socks or trash needed to be out.
Hopefully he is just playing around for a little ego food. If the worst has happened, try to vent your feelings to a trusted friend and think about what it really means to be with your children and him living somewhere else. Ask him to consider this too, but above all this has to be about you and him, He has to feel that he matters to you even in the face of this betrayal. Jesus was betrayed and still found love in his heart and you will have to follow that example. You are correct, in this disposable society we quit marriage easily. No single event is more painful for children. Stop and think right now today is different. I am going to be a wife first. And as a wife, I want to make my time, attitude and manner something he wants to be around. Nice gets nice, Compliments get compliments. You can't control his behavior, only yours.
Good Luck.

Answer 3

Forgive / Repair / Rebuild Trust / Close the Door to Temptation

It seems difficult to forgive when our spouse has been unfaithful. But that's just it, we are so intent that WE have been wronged by our spouse that we WANT restitution at all costs and this of course is completely understandable. We have been hurt deeply by the unfaithfulness of our spouse and justify our own bad behavior by making ourselves the victim of our spouses sin. But who really is the victim here? We are only a victim when we make our self FEEL that way, and then react on those feelings.

The other side to ponder is this, did our spouse really do this wrong to us? Probably not. Most of the time when a spouse is unfaithful it has nothing to do with the other spouse. The reasons behind this behavior stems from the need for constant self gratification, no matter what the cost, low self esteem, and lack of Spiritual knowledge. If we believe that our spouse deliberately wanted to harm us or that they don't love us, we will retaliate with our own angry back lashes and sinful behavior. This is not what needs to be done.

When a spouse is unfaithful, it usually goes something like this. First the idea to be unfaithful is imagined in the mind. Secondly it is mediated on with vivid scenes and great clarity. Thirdly, adultery somehow becomes justified because of wayward thinking, and cultural influences. Finally the act of adultery is actually carried out in the physical sense. Usually, but not all the time, the offender feels guilty about what they have done and they do not do it again. In either way, the adulterer has not asked for the guidance of the Holy Spirit to help them turn away from tempting and enticing situations.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.

Bless you and good luck, I'll be praying for you and your daughters.

Answer 4

Well, first is it a woman who calls ? B why was she examining the phone records ? And 3 ummm OK I don't have a 3...I vote that you gave sound advice on asking for an explanation usually we want to do this before jumping to a conclusion because conclusions based on speculation can convolute the the ability to be reasonable when the explanation is left to the imagination there by creating the pretense for an altercation..So, to summarize uh...Don't pass judgment until all the facts are tabulated and the evidence shows beyond a shadow of doubt that the defendant knowingly and willfully disregarded and made a mockery of the sanctity of the marriage institution. In other words, if the texts are legit you must acquit....

Answer 5

OH... Ok. I get it now. I read your newly posted statement first.

"Lead us not into temptation" your husband has been led into that temptation. His actions are not that of a faithful husband. you should confront him about his actions. ask him to honestly tell you if he wants to stay married to you. If his answer is a truthful yes. Then state that you would like counseling for the 2 of you. Contact your pastor/priest/whatever your clergy leader is... and ask for marraige counseling.
COMMUNICATE!!!! God did not give you that mouth to close it. Open it up and talk to your husband. Do not let it go.
Your vows are sacred. you adhear to those vows. So should he.

Side note- I am educated in most religous sectors. I, however, have not found a religon I condone or will participate in. I am very spiritual and my fundemental beleifs are that of a christian basis. and are firm. I admire you for keeping your faith and hope you find out what is really going on with your hubby.

Answer 6

well....you do have the right to divorce, from the bibles view. Now i know its easier to say then do but give him 1 more chance to make a family with you. Divorce is what the devil wants and dont let him win, fight for this family, specially since there are 3 angels involved in this. Talk to your husband, ask him why? tell him you know about whats been going on with him and that if he wants a family with you then this needs to stop now. If he tells you why he did it then try to correct it so it doesnt happen. It will be hard for a few weeks, months maybe even a year but we must forget and forgive which is very hard to do.

All i can say is PRAY, PRAY, And PRAY. Prayer is a very powerful weapon, use it. Pray for this problem, pray for your hubby and the family. God listens, and we must go to Him not just in times like these but every day we must communicate with him daily. His the only one that cares about us. His the only one that wants good in our lives.

I know this is a time when you need encouragement, to tell you the truth dont come here to decide what your going to do because some people tell you to do it, do what God wants you to do, and i believe he wants a family to be united. I myself have been through trying times, and very very difficute ones and i have turned to my right and left to get the answers and when i couldnt find the ones i wanted i turned to God. My mistake and learned my lesson...God should be the 1st we turn to and not a last resorce.

god Bless

if you ever want to talk give me a email :)

Answer 7

you pray and ask for discernment. God will guide you and will give you wisdom and knowledge on what to do. talk to godly people whom you can trust -- Christian family members, church-based friends and even your church leaders.

as a Christian couple, God should be at the middle of your relationship. however, remember that when God is at work, the enemy is in close watch and is ready to devour on you and your relationship anytime. so, when things come your way, learn to identify which is from God's and which is not from Him. Envelope yourself and your family with prayers. God will show you the way.

Talk to your husband. Don't accuse nor nag him. As a Christian wife, that makes you different from others. Stand on your faith's virtues. with God at your side, how can things go wrong, right?

Answer 8

First read "1 Corinthians chap. 7", reflect and pray on what you read.

Don't panic or over react. Move slowly.

Contact :Retrouvaille
An organization experienced and equipped to help renew and restore hurting marriages. (Once on the Retrouvaille home page click "listed telephone numbers" for an international directory of local Retrouvaille leaders.)

Check in with your church for a support group and local resources. A church is the fastest way to get some help and guidance. much better than what you get in "yahoo answers".

Search the web for christian marriage sites

And big thing here is family, both sides, open up-to them for support. do not accuse your husband of anything, but convey your worries and fears.

Trust in God, Trust his plan for you is not a divorce, God hates divorce.

My thoughts and prayers with you.

Answer 9

I agree with most in here, you need to find out who in your family will help support you in this situation. I believe if he is bold enough to cheat, he will be bold enough to lie and cover it up. You already have proof his interactions with someone is incorporate, the church is a good place start, but sometimes even people in church can steer you wrong. I know a couple that was in our church the husband had his eye and other body parts on other females, the wife was advised to stay in the relationship, she was eventually attacked by her husbands pregnant girlfriend. Be careful of the advice given, pray don't be to afraid that GOD may be moving you and the girls from your situation for your own good. Look and listen for his voice.

Answer 10

Go to your church and talk to your minister. Explain the situation to him. If you want advice that leans more towards the christian, you both will have to get into some heavy duty counseling. Both of you will have to make an effort to resolve why this may have happened. Be open and be honest. The christian faith believes that all marriages are sacred and that it is a "constant work in progress." Mistakes will be made, it just depends on if both of you are willing to rebuild it.