My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years, and he's made it clear that he wants to marry me in a few years after we're both done school. The problem is that I don't think I could marry him. I'm extremely insecure about his ex-gf/current best friend who has repeatedly tried to break us up and has caused some major problems in our relationship. I just don't want to marry him and have to spend the rest of my life dealing with her, and I know he's not going to get rid of her because he doesn't understand how much pain her involvement causes me. The question is, do you think I should carry on the relationship, because I really don't want to break up with him, or should I just end it now and get the heartache over with? Am I being completely irrational about this?
2007-09-05 16:19:00 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I just wanted to add that I am madly in love with him and would LOVE to marry him, but I just can't see myself being happy with him if his ex is still around. If she wasn't in the picture I'd be on the alter in a heartbeat, but I don't know if it's worth waiting around to see if he'll eventually get rid of her.
2007-09-05 16:26:40 · update #1
He's well aware of how I feel about her, and he also knows (and tells me) how much she hates me. When I asked him once who he would pick, me or her, he said he would pick me. But then another time when I asked him the same question he said "well she was here first" and refused to answer further than than. I'm just completely confused by this.
2007-09-05 16:31:20 · update #2
If the ultimate goal is to get married (and he's made that clear to you), then, no, it's not fair for you to keep him hanging on when you have no plans to marry him. Let him go so he can find someone who really does want to spend the rest of their life with him.
2007-09-05 16:26:38 · answer #1 · answered by mJc 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would say that if you didn't want to get married at all-to anyone- it wouldn't be fair. In this case it just sounds like he has other issues. By the time 2 years comes around, who knows where the ex will be? He will have to make a choice about the ex eventually though. After 2 years with you, his choice should have already been made!
2007-09-05 16:24:30 · answer #2 · answered by c'estmoi 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you are not being irrational. Personally, I don't think marriage is important, I actually don't ever plan on getting married. BUT that doesn't mean that you can't maintain a happy relationship full of love for many many years.
Now the main question that you need to ask yourself is about this ex of his.
Have you explained to him how much her involvement or "friendship" with her affects you? You and him need to work on that issue before you even consider thinking about marrying him.
If you can't come to a compromise about their freindship, then definitely do not marry him.
I would personally tell him that it's either her or you. She has dated him, for goodness sake. You can't keep a freindship strictly plutonic when you have been intimate with someone in the past. It just doesn't work like that.
Tell him to kick her to the curb, or you will get rid of him.
2007-09-05 16:27:20 · answer #3 · answered by Gizzard 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really love him and you both want to get married eventually you have to be honest and have open communication in your relationship. You have to tell him how you feel about the ex. If he gets mad and still wants to be a friend with her, then you know getting married just wouldn't be worth the heartache or your time. You want someone who will be DEDICATED to you and ONLY YOU! I hope that helps. My husband and I have been HAPPILY married for 7 years and we started out young, 20 and 23. Now we have kids and love our life together. Good Luck hun!
2007-09-05 16:36:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
All you tell me suggests that...you haven't really told your boyfriend how you feel about this, and he should've known long before me! Perhaps if he knew how much pain that friendship was causing you, he would do wise to break it off. Normally I would have said that you should probably respect your boyfriend's friendship, and realize that he left her and chose you. But since you mention this girl has alterior motives, I think it's fair to ask your boyfriend to tone it down with her. You two are in a relationship together...so do each other a favor and just be honest and open with each other. I hope whatever happens happens for the best. God bless.
2007-09-05 16:30:39 · answer #5 · answered by wizball 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ask yourself... "If the best friend didn't exist... would I want to marry him then?"
If the answer is yes... then keep dating him... Don't let someone else get in the way of your happiness... Just sit him down and explain your concerns about the way his friend makes you feel. Work on your self-esteem girl, HE chose YOU, not her!!!
If the answer is no... Just explain to him that you are not at a point in your life right now where you can even imagine being married and you don't know when you will ever get to that point. Explain to him that you have fun with him and would like to continue dating, but the "marraige" idea is just too much pressure for now.
Whatever you choose to do, just tell him the truth ASAP!!! You both deserve the truth.
2007-09-05 16:25:52 · answer #6 · answered by Princess Leia 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The ex-girlfriend/current best friend issue is obviously big for you. I think you should get that resolved before moving on.
You could also be using the ex-girlfriend issue as an excuse to break-up with him. Have you considered that this guy might not be the right one for you? You're still very young. I'm telling you to dump him but I also don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to make a serious committment to someone if you're not feeling it.
2007-09-05 16:27:29 · answer #7 · answered by guinevere208 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, your not being irrational. If she is that big of a problem and he is not willing to give her up, you should probably end it sooner than later because it will only get worse. I don't agree with exes being best friends after a relationship is over. I think it is ok to speak when you see each other and maybe a short chit chat but that's it. I think anything more is disrespectful.
2007-09-05 16:36:27 · answer #8 · answered by leeg 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you happened to love him, why should you give him up. He never gave u up at the first place. Besides, both of u should have faith on each other. As for the annoying destructor of this relationship, you 2 may need to discuss about how to get rid of them. Warn them or avoid them, that's the wisest thing to do. Be the love and relationship strong, stronger than anything that u could think and hold.
2007-09-05 16:28:50 · answer #9 · answered by Mike P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you truly love him, and want to marry him, let him know that you aren't comfortable with his ex being his best friend. You should probably move on if he refuses to get rid of her, because although they are ex's for a reason, they're is something there that keeps them close and you shouldn't have to wait around to find out if it's something more than he thinks.
2007-09-05 16:31:12 · answer #10 · answered by mitchell 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋