just my day. best comment = ten points, only honest opinions, or you will just be another liar in the world.?

Question

my eyes are big red tomatoes

and my nose is a facuet.

my heart hurts like a stubbed toe,

i just want to be with you.

today was a pitfall,

worse than i thought,

but the end came and i saw myself not smiling.

i am misunderstood,

miss represented,

unhappy.

do not leave me to be alone,

i would have nothing to live for.

HAHAHHA! yeah the tomatoes....don't ask. i don't even know.

Answer 1

This is a refreshing piece of work on YA poetry. I thought everybody was cutting wrists and taking drugs, but NO! Lo and behold we have somebody who actually writes in logical order, sequence, creates original imagery and --- OMG --- asks for a critique without saying "on a 9-10 scale, what do you think?"

Here is what I think. You did some pretty amazing stuff right off the bat. You created imagery instantly. Your eyes as tomatoes (huge visual) and your nose as a faucet (also visual but also sensual -- actually two things working for you--sense and sound.) Good work!!!!!

Then you go on with your heart hurting like a "stubbed toe."
Very nice. What I like about this particular phrase is not just how simply you put it, but also how you de-emo'ed it. I am so sick of that other stuff. This says it in real human terms. It's original. (OK, I'm doing a dance now.)

I was a little disappointed at the end. I think you can do better.

I got the feeling that giving up with the relationship was analagous with giving up with the poem.

This was a mighty fine effort. I would love you to post a rework of this and email me when you do.

Margot

Answer 2

Honesty...I'll keep this simple and to the point.

Your first three lines are excellent. If you would convey your message through body part imagery you would have a good poem here.

After line 3 you just loaded the poem with abstractions like pitfall, misunderstood, unhappy. You also spent time telling us things, rather than showing us.

Honesty again, Margot probably gave you the best answer here. I'm writing this not for ten points, but for the simple fact that your first three lines have promise, and I'd like to see what you could do if you took that promise and ran with it.

Answer 3

I have studied poetry, & II shall never forget Dr. Hart tipping his head, looking over his eyeglasses after reading various poems by others, & saying: "You didn't really mean this?" The kiss of death. Some thought him harsh; some learned. In this section, I've seen responses about "I feel your pain," or "You said just what I feel!" which says nothing really about the way the poem is written. The worst is this sort: "Oh!! You were wonderful!! You're the next Walt Whitman!!!!"
Well. If I wore glasses, I'd peer over them right now. I'd ask you if this is a first draft, if you truly consider it a poem. I don't. Only constructive criticism can serve you when you're starting out.
A plus for not using rhyme & forcing you sentences (& feelings) in order to accommadate them.
In the first three lines, I thought you were going to be whimsical & that can work quite well. Seeing the comedy in a "broken heart." (Still, this theme is used far too often.) But it went downhill from there, out of syinc with the first three lines, to "I would have nothing to live for." This is so dramatic & bleak, compared to the beginning.
It's best to never ever use "trite" phrases; "I just want to be with you," & "do not leave me alone," for example.
"Voice" is perhaps the most important. If you read this aloud, it's awkward; you can "feel" this without even thinking about the content.
The imagery in the first three lines was unique & humourous. But you stopped right there, & the rest seems more appropriate to an entry in a journal.
I don't give a hoot about points one way or another. This is my honest opinion, & it isn't so much chopped liver, as I've been published. Since your imagery was so original, I'd suggest you re-write this, keeping the comic consistent.
Make the lines flow so that we don't "stumble" over them. Poetry takes work, often many, many drafts. It isn't simply writing words.
Just call me "Dr. Hart."I learned much from him!

Edit: I see Todd got in ahead of me & made some of my points. Very good, Todd!

Answer 4

Good flow
Very good word choice
Excellent imagry

Other than that, it doesn't have much else going for it.

Honestly, it has enough flow, rhythym and poetic device to get by, except it lacks true feeling. It's telling you something with images, but it doesn't use the images to get deep enough into it, so you're left with a shallow, unreal, almost novice feel.

Keep up like this, but next time really consider what you're trying to say, and then ask youself why you would say that. Just keep on like that until you push deep enough into real feeling to get something true, something that will make people cry and smile at the same time.


You do that and you could be an excellent poet.

Answer 5

I cherished a number of it, yet no longer all of it. I tremendously hated the third verse. It replaced into too long, so besides the reality that it rhymed, you should no longer truly tell because of the fact it replaced into see you later. i did no longer like the 1st line. If it replaced into greater exciting, i might have cherished the poem so lots greater. I definitely think of you're able to alter the girl's call to a minimum of something else. while i think of of the call Sue i do no longer think of of 104lb. and pretend breasts. The fourth verse is purely like the third. it is too long, so the rhyming does not truly sound precise. the 2d to final verse does not truly sound precise the two. If the poem replaced into meant to be depressing, it did no longer have the excellent effect because of the fact it replaced into extremely boring and in some factors way too long. So, you're truly stable. i ought to on no account try this. yet this poem needs particularly artwork.

Answer 6

you have a lot to live for there are some people that are innocent by standers and got accidently got shot fighting tooth and nail to keep alive, god gave u life look after urself because nobody else will, do not feel down trodden there are worse things than what you have. gone through be happy get out into the sunshine and sing a nice song you like and watch the birds fly and the animals busy getting ready for another day to dawn comes again, smell the air, and say to urself thank god i am alive.

Answer 7

The poetry is good enough, the images compelling enough ... but I have to seriously wonder about something. The sentiments you speak, the emotions you convey, have been expressed before by many poets who bleed from their heart.

In a world of ten million or so single men why do so many intelligent, sincere, creative women end up in unfulfilling and unrewarding relationships when they could easily do so much better? If he doesn't love you or return your heartfelt love for him, so what? Don't you really deserve better than this? Surely there is someone out there who will mend instead of cut, who will encourage instead of belittle, who will share instead of take? Being alone can be a blessing that enables you to recharge your emotional batteries to shine your light upon the world.

I've lived long enough to have suffered my share of pain, seen my share of death, experienced my share of heartache, to know that I no longer want to or need to bleed.

Answer 8

It is quite nice just lose the red tomatoes,stubbed toe and faucet for something more serious. good luck. Would love to reread the poem after u rearrange it

Answer 9

i think the poem is really deep however i would change the word "tomatoes" to something else, it kinda sound slike your trying to be funny until you read the rest of the poem if you know what i mean>?

in no way am i trying to take away from your feelings!

Answer 10

Work on your metaphor to bring me into your poem so I will feel what you are feeling ... I believe that is what your metaphor is trying to do, but I don't feel it.

A good beginning.