Why do People who have been the victims of an affair always ask "should i stay or go?"?

Question

it is clear to me that if you have to ask the question the answer is sleave. Even the bible lets you leave a spouse for cheating because it is hard for people to truely forgive and forget. Only a very low number of marriages ever turn out good when someone has been unfaithful.

Answer 1

Love makes you do crazy things. You question it because you really love a person and are now confused because they hurt your feelings but you still love them (and hope that regardless, they still love you). Granted, if they really loved you, they never would've cheated, but the ultimate decision lies within your situation. What if you were married for 25 years? Had kids? Were cheating yourself? What if you're married to Oprah or Bill Gates (not that I'm a golddigger, but really, would you give up access to millions of dollars for one mistake)? Look at Kobe Bryant, the Clintons, you neighbors, friends, relatives (although by the same account, I'm sure you can find people at the other end of the situation who are divorced, etc). Everyones situation is different and everyone has their reason for staying (its why counseling exists). If you honestly believe that your significant other is truly sorry, then why not forgive....I believe the Bible teaches us that as well.

Answer 2

I don't think I recall that section of the bible where it says you can leave. I know that infidelity in marriage is not condoned, but I am not sure it says you can leave. That is not the issue here....

Unfaithfulness breeds insecurity and that is why people ask the question. They are not sure they can ever trust the person or the whole circumstances brings about feelings that they are not ready or willing to continue to feel or worry about long term.

As a person who has divorced and remarried the same spouse after he cheated, I can say that forgiveness and forgetting are difficult. But, and that is a big but....it can also enhance and bring about positive changes in a marriage if you work hard at it and understand why the infidelity occurred in the first place. Examining the causes and the affects...that is the key to learning from the experience. It is not an easy or quick process and it is relatively LIFE LONG, but marriage can survive cheating if you want it to survive. Only the couple themselves have the ability to bring their love back to life.

Answer 3

Statistically, more marriages survive an affair then divorce. We just assume that it is the opposite.
It's difficult, but can be done if both partners commit to rebuilding.

Almost everyone is confused and horribly hurt when discovering that their spouse betrayed them. Nothing is clear at that point. We all think that we know just what we would do if something like this happened to us, but in reality, no one has any idea just how it will affect them until they face it.

Initially, the emotional pain in horrible. Lots of confusion, shock, sadness and anger. But, love doesn't just suddenly stop. Most are just to emotional right away to make a major life decision. Your afraid of getting hurt again, afraid the wayward spouse will not do what is necessary. It's a major strain on the betrayed spouses self esteem.

So, being confused about staying or going is completely understandable! I would tell anyone in this position to just take things one day at a time initially. If the marriage was 'good' before this discovery and horrible choice by the wayward spouse, then it might be able to survive this trauma.

I had even said to a friend of mine about a year before discovery of my Husband's affair that I would NEVER tolerate it if my husband ever cheated on me. Well, when it happened I was devastated, threw him out, hurt like hell. But, was really confused, because I still loved him. My husband had a real wake up call and was begging to stay, ended all contact with the other woman. I would say I wasn't sure about our future for at least 6 months. That was seven years ago, and we are still together. We saw a counselor over two different occasions.

I got involved with a support group and have seen many marriages survive this trauma. It is difficult, but can be worth the effort of both are willing to put lots of effort into rebuilding.

Answer 4

The people that ask of what to do...
IS BECAUSE THEY HAVE INSECURITY ISSUE. That's why they ask.
Never happen to me but I am sure that if it happens my partner will be history.
Why even bother to go a theraphy etc. Is for stupid people to think that a relatonship will be saved if is a counseling intervention. Never is damage already done...Unless the counselor can brain wash erase that affair from the victims mind. Got it?
People do get back together and sometimes LOOKS like is working but...The truth is for how long will be the cheated faitfull? Honestly until the trust is back...But will cheat again just that this next time it will be with more caution.
I agree with Willy...The Bible was writen by a male...So is not conveniente for the male to write that the woman have rights to. God is good not bad. So if he is good? Do you think he wants for a female to have a miserable life? No ofcurse not.
Value yourself and you will be valued of how you value yourself.

Answer 5

Because sometimes, even though you've been wronged, you STILL look for "justification" for leaving. You feel torn deep down inside over the love you have for this person, the time you invested, other people (such as children, step-children or family) that might be affected too....and no matter how hurt or confused you are, it's hard to just step up, take the responsibility and just leave. I've still seen it work after an affair, but it is rare. I think when a person asks, they just want opinions from both sides. They are looking for some kind of "justification" even though they already have it, or some kind of comfort, even though they won't get it just from someone telling them what they think they should do.

Answer 6

Love and it almost always is for security reasons. You know what I don't get, is why people have the need to cheat instead of working the problem out civilly. And why single people have this desire to destroy someone else's marriage, by sleeping with a married man or woman.

Answer 7

Its hard for people to truly forgive and forget. {{Just smacked you in the forehead like the V8 commercial.}}
1. Isn't forgiveness what the bible is all about?
2. Not forgiving only really hurts one person and that is the person who won't forgive...its like cancer, it just eats away at them.
3. You can forgive, just the same as you can be forgiven...though you may never forget.

Answer 8

Maybe sometimes they want to stay as their child is young and they think it's better for the child to stay with both parents instead of having to deal with the parents' separation.

Sometimes, people feel compelled to make their marriage work. They might even blame themselves for the affair (E.g. "It's my fault for being so busy with work that I've neglected my other half.") and so they feel more forgiving.

Humans are creatures of habit. Perhaps that is also why they are reluctant to let go (especially for marriages of many years) even when most people think they should.

Answer 9

Because they love their spouses, and they may be able to forgive and move on. Affairs are horrible, but they are not the end of the world. I do not agree that "once a cheater, always a cheater." People do change and learn from their mistakes - there is no exception in marraige. God can repair anything he wants - I've seen it.

Answer 10

the bible allows the MAN to leave.

People are conficted by their reality and their ideal. Women stay with men who father children with their mistresses stating you just don't give up on a marriage.

I can understand slightly but ultimately I find most cheaters are remorseless and selfish. Very few were caught up in a moment of bliss w/out thought.