Why can't I leave him???

Question

I have been married for 5 1/2 years now & I love my husband to death but all we do is fight, fight, fight!! Over stupid things & i really don't think that things will get any better, I think all the time about leaving him & all of my friends know that I do not want to be there anymore, I try to find any reason to leave the house & not come home from work b/c I know that there will probably be a fight waiting when I get home. But everytime I get ready to leave him, I can not bring my self to leave!!! Why???? This has been going on for months, I will pack up all of my stuff & put it in the car but can not seem to back out of the drive way!!

We have a 5 year old but I know that she will always be in both of our lives so I know that is not what is keeping me there!!

I am only 24 years old & am so tired of crying everyday over this!

He gets upset if...
dinner is not ready when he gets home from work (he gets off 15 minutes BEFORE me),

He takes it out on me when he can not find something,

all he does is play video games with his friends,

1/2 of the time I never know where he is b/c he does not come home or call after work,

he will not go anywhere with me

He feels that I need to have everything ready in the morning for him by the time he gets up, his lunch, clothes out, keys by the door, Be sure that he can find his hat. I already have a child & feel that this is something that a mother should do & not a wife. It never bothered me to do this a while back but now that he expects it & if i do not have time in the moring he feels the need to get mad about it, I feel like he is taking advantage of me as his wife & he does not really appreciate me or what I do for him.
I HAVE asked for conseling & HE SAID NO, so that is not an option for us.

Answer 1

First and foremost, grow up. People are not replaceable. You choose him to be your child's father.

Stop whining. Read the following books:

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
The Surrendered Wife

Get some counseling before you screw your child up also.

Answer 2

The only reason I can answer "WHY" is because you love him and if you love him, you could have an excellent marriage! That is if he loves you too.

Love is everything you need if you want your relationship to stay together. Think about why your fighting. Try and figure out what he says, or what your saying when you fight. WHY? What is the purpose? Do you just disagree on everything?

Well, that is ridiculous. Why don't you start looking at the good things about your husband and don't stoop to the level that will cause a fight. It is possible, because I do it at times. Just try it. You could have an excellent marriage and that will give you an excellent life. Remember you're in control of your life. Nobody else. Good Luck

Answer 3

First of all, have you both tried counselling? Have you looked for help in resolving your problems through a professional counsellor? Are you both willing to work at it and admit there are problems that can be resolved, or is it beyond this? You need to give these a shot before giving up.

However, if you have exhausted all possibilities and yet still stay, it is because you are afraid of the unknown. We all stay in places (and a lot of the time "ruts") because it is familiar to us, even if it is not positive. Most of us don't like not knowing what is ahead of us. Things in your life will change - with your child, your finances, your emotions and so on. You need to realize this.

You have to be able to see what could be positive if you do leave. You can't expect things to fall into place right away in your new life, you have to work at it. But it will come if you give it a chance. If you do nothing but fight, think of how it is draining you, and how it is affecting your child.

I am divorced with a son. Believe me when I say that the decision to separate was not easy for my ex wife or I, but we knew we had exhausted our possibilities and ability to work together. We realized that our son would not benefit by us staying together. Some people believe that you must stay together for the children's sake. You are, in truth, not showing them a good example by staying together if all you do is fight.

The secret to moving on is try to visualize the long term picture. See yourself in a peaceful home (on your own), spending positive time with your child, without argument. This could take some time to get to that peace of mind, but you will need to go through some hardship before you can get there and try to be brave.

If you have done all you can, then you are doing the right thing in parting and starting again in your life. Good luck!

Answer 4

You are still so young...have you two tried any form of counseling? Are the two of you willing to make it work before you choose to go? That being said...it may not be a good situation...and you may want to leave, but most people, given a choice, will choose that which they are comfortable with. You are used to being with him, living with him, dealing with him. The world out there beyond being with him is riddled with uncertainty and new experiences. I am sure, even though you say your daughter is not a factor, you don't want her to suffer either...so it also might play at least a small part in it. It will take more than just packing your car to leave. You need to detach yourself emotionally as well.

Answer 5

The only thing you complain about is fighting. You're not even in disagreement on some important issue, you're fighting over "stupid things". The solution to such fighting is not to leave your marriage. The solution to fighting is -- ready for this? -- to stop fighting! You're the one who wrote the question, so congratulations, you just volunteered to be the one to set the plan in motion. When you catch yourself about to say something argumentative, STOP. Just stop. Take three long, slow, deep breaths. Count to ten. Walk around the block. Listen to some music on your headphones for a few minutes. Call a friend to chat about the weather. Whatever you have to do, just do it, and don't give into the temptation to fight.

At first, your actions will be unilateral, but that doesn't matter because, you know that old expression, "It takes two to tango"? Well, it takes two to fight. If you stop fighting, voila, no more fighting period. Once the fighting quits completely (give it two weeks), come back here and ask a question about how to begin communicating in a positive way, because that will be your next step.

Later edit: I wonder how Lizabeth, above me, came to the conclusion that your relationship was abusive. At no point in your question did you say anything about abuse, so I assumed there was none. I do agree with her on one point: very frequent fighting is emotionally stressful for your daughter. However, leaving her father would be like killing a fly with a sledgehammer: overkill. So just quit fighting!

Later LATER edit:
"He gets upset if dinner is not ready when he gets home from work." Let him. Just stand there, nod your head, and tell him ONCE, "I understand you don't like when dinner isn't ready when you get home." I'm not telling you to start having dinner ready for him, I'm telling you not to fight about it.

"He takes it out on me when he can not find something." Just stand there, listen, nod your head and tell him, "I understand you don't like when you can't find something." And that's it.

"All he does is play video games with his friends." He has no job and doesn't sleep? OK, sorry. Anyway, this is nothing worth fighting over, because, look at it this way: you have fought over it and it has not changed. So stop fighting over it.

"1/2 of the time I never know where he is b/c he does not come home or call after work." Again, you have fought over it and it has not changed, so stop fighting over it.

"He will not go anywhere with me." Ditto. You have fought over it and it has not changed. So stop fighting over it.

"He feels that I need to have everything ready in the morning for him by the time he gets up, his lunch, clothes out, keys by the door, Be sure that he can find his hat. I already have a child & feel that this is something that a mother should do & not a wife. It never bothered me to do this a while back but now that he expects it & if i do not have time in the morning he feels the need to get mad about it, I feel like he is taking advantage of me as his wife & he does not really appreciate me or what I do for him." He does not appreciate it, so stop doing it. Tell him in advance you're going to stop doing those things, and explain it's because they are his job. Don't get baited into a fight. Tell him once, and then stop talking about it completely. Then, stick to your guns. If he gets mad that you don't do them, tough. Keep your mouth shut and go back to sleep. If you can't go back to sleep, pretend that you did. Alternatively, repeat, repeat, repeat, in a calm voice, "Sorry, honey, not my job." Smile gently every time you say it, but don't give in to his demands.

Answer 6

you have fear keeping you in check
fear of the unknown
fear of new social circumstances
fear of dating all over again
fear of being alone
fear of starting over
and until you realize all this you will make empty threats and never see it through
but if fight are over silly things
then why do you engage? as it takes 2 to fight
there are other underlying issues you do not mention
as women use silly things ( socks on the floor for example ) as a trigger to get INTO a fight and then bring up the real underlying issue, men are more direct as they are not mind readers
it sounds like you have communication break down

Answer 7

because u love the man, in spite of his actions. but if your tired of it than get some therapy for yourself, join a self help group through a church, surround yourself with non judge mental people who are willing to listen. u also don't leave because u may fear the future, and maybe your not sure of yourself and don't trust your self enough to make such an important decision. u also fear the consequences because he does sound controlling. but u are the one responsible for your happiness, and if u have tried to work out problems and he is unwilling, eventually when u have had enough u will do something about it. u have no confidence because he took all your confidence away by his controlling ways. but people do tend to treat us the way we teach them to, we take it and take it for so long we become accustomed to that way of life and after awhile we don't tend to see it as so bad. get some help if only for yourself and your own self worth.

Answer 8

maybe you could try talking to someone you know, who you feel has some common sense? is there someone older who you admire and respect? a relative, or old neighbor or family friend?

what about a minister or someone like that?

sometimes we need someone to LISTEN as well...

therapy is another option.

your marriage obviously has unresolved issues and problems. communication seems pretty bad, too. otherwise, there would be no endless arguments or fear about going home.

problems stack up after time and eventually, we dont' even know what the "problem" really is!

take care of you! and good luck

Answer 9

How do you want your little girl to grow up? Being in an abusive relationship makes it very likely that she will be abused as an adult and will select men that treat her like you are being treated. Put his stuff out and get a divorce. document everything and get a good lawyer to help you. He is not going to change his behaivior. It will only get worse and more dangerous for both of you.

Answer 10

What do u fight so much about????