Re: Human Nature; Allow me to clarify?

Question

We were together 10 years. After trying everything I could think of to help pur relationship survive, he left me for his addiction to meth. He quickly realized he had nowhere to go. Prior to his leaving, things had gotten bad: lying, yelling, screaming, threatening, stealing, cheating, all on his part. He wanted to come home; I said no, not if we're going to make each other miserable, as our new hobby. I loved him, still love him, with my entire soul. I believed we would be together forever, we were the best of friends. his addiction took it all away.
i haven't heard from him in 18 months; I ask about him everytime I can, it's important to me that he is ok. he won't hear of me or speak about me, until last week. He sent me an email telling me that he "hates me for abandoning him when he was sick" and telling me he still misses me in the same sentence.
I can't cope, emotionally, with the hate and hurt he holds toward me in his heart.

It devastates me to know that I caused someone so much pain; I just did what i thought was best.
I need guidance on getting through this and bearing this burden. I have explained to him, thoroughly, that I do not hold him at fault, that all has been forgiven and I have asked forgiveness for my mistakes.
My heart and soul feel no better. I still hurt, deeply.
Is his anger representative of his continuing love?
Do i just need to give him more time?
I do not want to let go of him, but I know I have to, in order to heal.
I am completely lost as to what to do next, how to move on, and get passed this.

Answer 1

You made the right choice honey. Please dont reverse it by taking him back. When drugs are involved its even worse than a 3rd person being involved. Its the drugs your battling with; not him. Inside he probably is a wonderful loving man who loves you as well. But when you are addicted to drugs the only thing addicts know how to love is that addiction. In other words DO NOT feel bad for letting him go. Remind yourself that you had to choose between the man you love and the addicition that he loves. He had to make the same decision and he chose the addiction. He will be ok. You will only handicapp him from getting the help he needs if you keep opening up your door to him. Putting him out was the best thing you could do for him and it sounds like he is still battling with the addiction within hence the confusion in the email. If you are strong enough; be there for him when he is ready to get help for the drugs; other than that comfort yourself in knowing that you were fighting his losing battle with Meth. That is who you put out; not the man you loved.

Answer 2

Why do you still love a guy who is a meth head? You did the right thing by dumping him, and you should have already moved on with your life. You really shouldn't care what he thinks of you and you shouldn't be asking after him anymore.

If I was in your position and I was in love with someone who later started using meth and doing the things this guy did, I would not love that person anymore. I would drop kick her through the uprights and move on with my life. Done. This is what you need to do.

I believe that you can indeed control who you fall in love with and control your feelings, even love. I am married and I love my wife very much. However, if I found out that she became addicted to meth or coke or was cheating on me, etc, then I would not love her anymore and I would leave and never come back. I wouldn't stick around to deal with the drama and I wouldn't spend my life pining away for her.

Answer 3

Well first of all, he HAS NOT RECOVERED IF HE IS STILL BLAMING YOU. What other choice did you have? NONE that I can see, so get that out of your head. You absolutely had to put yourself first, and that's what you did. He is not better, and he should be recognizing what he put you through, not blaming you for his addiction or him being sick. He is just trying to manipulate you and it's working. Being in a relationship that long, you are probably always going to love him. But that isn't real love, what he is doing to you. I would tell him that it was good to hear from him, and you miss him too and care about his well being, but you will not be blamed for his addiction and him choosing drugs over you and your relationship. I would tell him to seek more counseling for his problem and one day if he could talk to you without blaming you for his addictions, you wouldn't mind to talk to him then. But that you had been through enough already, and didn't need another guilt trip from him. Time for him to man up. His addiction isn't YOUR fault.

Answer 4

It is hard to hear but he is sick he is addicted to meth and that changes people even when they decide to give it up and stay clean also it sounds like he is kinda controlling and he is gonna think that you was the mean one you didn't stay there and put up with it you gave him chances he choose meth so you just need to leave and don't look back i have been there and you just live day by day and slowly move on good luck

Answer 5

First let me tell you, that you DO NOT bear the burden of his hate...that was the addiction talking and if and when he ever gets better, he'll regret what he said. Addicts will do and say anything to manipulate you into enabling them to continue their addiction. The fact that he can spew such negative feelings tells me he isn't recovering and that he is still sick. Because if he wasn't still using and was getting treatment, that would be the first thing he learns...that he has no one to blame but himself and everything that happened to him is because HE CHOSE to use.
You can hurt because you love him and he's gone...you can hurt because he hurt you...but DO NOT hurt because you cared enough about yourself to not allow HIS addiction to control you too.
May I suggest a support group in your area for the friends and loved ones of addicts.

Answer 6

sorry to burst your bubble
but all of this is HIS own doing
he just trying to offset the blame and guilt on to you by saying you deserted him in his time of need
no it the other way around
you deserve a healthy drug free and sane marriage
and failing that
you divorce
end of story
let him be
do not care what becomes of him
if he ends up dead in a gutter then it becuase it was his choices that led him there
caring only make it worse for you
as it gives him leverage and power
quit inquiring about him
he has made his life choices
so should you
losers must get up on their own 2 feet
after all this is what makes a man a man
to realize his mistakes
learn from them
and fail no more
so when he encounters another women
he will know th price of failure
should he decide to take that path once more

Answer 7

hello,
He has an addiction to drugs. He is upset with you because he no longer is getting his way. You did the right thing and I know it hurts. It will hurt for a while to come. You will need to concentrate on what makes you happy, go out with friends and try not to spend too much time alone, and time will help your wounds to heal. I wish you the best of luck....God bless

Answer 8

You did the right thing. Don't let him lay a guilt trip on you which is what he is doing. Next time he emails you tell him that you aren't abandoning him but you just can't live with him and his addiction. Don't let hatred start filling up your heart about him. Pray for him and give the problem to God and let Him handle it.

Answer 9

I applaud you for having the courage to put aside your feelings & put your safety & wellbeing first. He let meth take over his life. that is not your fault. He needs help from a professional to get himself on track. While I'm sure your heart is breaking, staying with him & his addiction would've only brought you harm. Perhaps it would help if you sought some counseling too. This is alot for a person to deal with on her own. I send you my prayers & best wishes.

Answer 10

been there, done that. my sons biological father was BAD!! his family and i tried everything, nothing worked. meth is the worst thing in the world, and the hardest to come off of. it eats your soul...he is now in prison, has been for 9 years, my son doesnt remember him (he was 2 when dad left)
i have married, and my husband has adopted my son. i still fell the guilt that you are talking about. it never goes away. just dont let it destroy you too...good luck and best wishes...