To the Married yahooer's.... does your husband/wife reallly change after marriage?

Question

im engaged and heard so many times that i shouldn't so it because everything changes after you say i do.....
true? and what kinds of things change?

2nd - my fiancee is really irresponsible and still in his selfish phase... he's not patient and wants everything now..... including cars / bikes / etc.... i try to get him to see that if he can save money that it'll be better for him in the future...
he thinks im trying to control him, but im just trying to give him some helpful advice.... his defensiveness makes it ALMOST impossible to get him to heed advice from the people that care for him the most.
He's 23 years old... will he grow out of this? or do you think that its a personality trait that cannot be changed?.... i don't want to have to deal with this immaturity for the rest of my life...

Answer 1

Without knowing all the details it definetely sounds like you are not on the same page and need to wait to get married. I wouldn't count on him changing from experience. I'm 26 and know a lot of guys who are still the same as they were at 18, 21, 24 and now at 27. Good luck! ***

Answer 2

I don't believe that signing a marriage license changes people. At least, this wasn't my experience - and I'm married for the third time. It seems that what does change after marriage is how other people view your relationship; they all of a sudden start taking it more seriously, no matter how long you'd been together before marriage (3 months or 3 years). But the internal dynamics of the relationship change very little. I think, the main change in the relationship itself comes after the couple moves in together; being that for some people it happens when they get married, it is taken as a sign that "marriage" changed things - when in reality it's an adjustment from being on your own to having someone else around 24/7. Again, this is just my experience - it may be different for others.

As far as your fiancé goes - he may or may not "grow out" of it; it very well may be how he deals with things, and it's possible that he will continue in the same manner for years to come. 23 is not 15; you can be 23, and still be able to take responsibility for your actions. If I were you, I would not marry him in the hopes that he will "change"; most likely, you're going to be sorely disappointed. If you can't accept certain things as a part of his personality, don't marry him. It's a package deal - like it or not; you can't pick and choose. This "phase" may last until he's 40 - who knows; if you're not prepared to deal with him as he is, either give it some time and see if things are changing for the better, or keep looking for a man who meets your expectations. There's nothing wrong with having standards, and you can have your list of "deal-breakers". You're not looking for a "perfect man" - just the man whom you can accept fully.

Answer 3

The whole point is that there is no "definition" of marriage in any law or the constitution. People like you are trying to define it in your terms. There are already laws prohibiting marrying animals. How could an animal consent? How would you know if they did? Polygamy was outlawed, but is still usually not enforced, because of the rampant abuse of women and underage girls that has been discovered in the polygamist sects. Also, it leads to incestual relations which is a societal environmental health issue due to chromosomal abnormalities that abound when two people of the similar DNA pro-create. The state should not recognize any marriage at all. They should all be civil unions and your church, spouse, and family recognize your marriage. If you want to protect the failed institution, ahem, I mean the sanctity of marriage, outlaw divorce. And how come if someone's "married" they can have a "legal separation"? It's a matter of implementing legislation that discriminates against a certain minority group of people based solely on gender and sexual preference. That is 100% unconstitutional and does not represent the values of our democracy. What is wrong with TWO consenting adults proclaiming their vows in front of their creator, their family and their officiant to love one another until death do them part? Why would you want to deny someone that basic right? That basic happiness? Straight people have already made a mockery and disgrace of marriage. Friggin Elvis Weddings in Vegas? Is that the tradition of the Ancients your so trying to preserve? Come on, it won't affect you. Why do you even care about it?

Answer 4

Unfortunately, it does not sound like your fiancee is ready to be married. Being married is one of the most self-less acts that you can do.

In your case, the things that you are talking about will not change after you get married. If he is irresponsible, selfish, defensive, immature, and impatient now, it will only get worse when you get married. Believe it or not, he is probably on his best behavior now. He is not ready!

If you marry him now, you will not have to put up with him for the rest of your life; you will only have to put up with him for the rest of you marriage. If he will not take advice from even the people that he knows care about him the most., you are asking for trouble. He may change as he matures, but, he may not; only time will tell. Trust me that is a time you should spend with him unmarried.

You can not change people. You only have control over yourself. I am not saying do not ever marry him, I am just saying do not do it now. It sounds like he needs time to mature and prioritize some things in his life. Give him the freedom and time to do so. You will have a much better life together if you do. If you don't and these things bother you now; the only thing you can look forward to is your divorce.

Good Luck!!

Answer 5

Whether to marry him or not is a hard decision to make. You need to weigh your options. Weigh the good and the bad I mean. Is he more good than bad because no one is perfect. You're always going to find something wrong with somebody. It's hard to find a good man these days and if you feel like you want to try to work on the bad part about him then good luck. Go ahead and marry him. Being that he's 23, he's still dealing with immaturity and not looking at the bigger picture. If you're fighting about money and his selfishness now, you will fight about it after you get married because noone changes overnight. As he gets older, it's possible that he could change and then again, he may not. When you fall in love with someone and plan on marrying them, you have to accept the good and the bad once your married. Now, is the time to decide whether or not you can deal with the bad if you were to get married. So will you be able to? Because like I said, noone changes overnight.
Have you set a date for the wedding? I would postpone it. Give yourself time to think.

Answer 6

Wait a minute do things change once you are married, the answer is yes, but before you get married things should be somewhat of what you will be expecting out of the marriage. You said that your fiancee was irresponsible, selfish, no patients and want everything now like yesterday, I am here to tell you this. What you see now in this guy is what you get after marriage, and it only gets worst. He is young and immature and you need to know this, he does not sound like he is ready for marriage, and are you that blind not to see. Who wants a partner for life, that do not take their advice, and do you want to take that chance, to see if he grows out of it, do.. you really...really.. have that time. He is not a baby to grow out of something like that, it's his trait, like in his blood, and they don't change like that, that's in him. Think real hard and long, because this is the fiancee, with all these issues, and on top all of that, he is immature and DO YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Answer 7

you have already got a few warning signs on how life will be. He is selfish and immature and yes, you will be dealing with this as long as you are together. Hand him over to some other sucker. Hes still just a kid. Yes things change after marriage. With The majority (not all) of marriages its Usually for the worst. Laziness, boredom, indifference, frustration, resentment..... you dont sound like you have a positive start.
You should feel secure, emotionally, mentally and financially. Theres nothing worse than being in debt and it sounds like he will always keep you in there. What do you want in life? and do you think he can provide it? your call......

Answer 8

You can't count on the fact that he will change after you get married. He sounds very immature, and that's how my first husband was. He was spoiled as a child, got everything he ever wanted, came from a well-off family, and even after we were married, he acted like he could just get anything he wanted, whenever he wanted it, and I was suppose to be okay with this. Yet, if I went shopping I got the third degree when I got home - with him asking what did you buy, how much did you spend, that's too much, blah, blah, blah. You can't change him once you are married. At 23, if he's still like this, you'd better look out and re-think things.

Answer 9

Every person that I know has said the same thing: If you don't like something about your fiance, it will only get worse after marriage.

So, if you like his irresponsibility and can tolerate it, just know that it won't stop. That's a personality and character trait, not something that is easily changed unless they personally feel motivated to do it. And sometimes, love just isn't enough.

So, if you are ready to deal with this behavior til death do you part, then by all means get married. If you aren't, maybe you just need to look elsewhere for Mr. Right.

Mr. Right is never a fixer-upper!

Answer 10

I am married to a man who is exactly like this (minus wanting to go out and make major purchases). We have been married for three years and let me tell you, people do not change unless they want to. You cannot change them and it is important for you to realize that upfront. You can show a man that you care about them all day long, but if they think you are trying to control them then you are wasting your time. Trust me. I am 30 and he is 29 and this is one of our biggest problems. I care too much and I am trying to hard. He takes my feelings as I am trying to control him, when in reality I am not. If you are seeing all the warning signs now, then stop and take a look around you and think about your decision to marry him. If it doesn't work then you all will end up getting a divorce and while that's not the absolute worst thing in the world it's not something that I would want to do. He will not grow out of anything. His mind will mature if he allows it to, but don't get yourself all locked up in something with somebody and then have to compromise your own happiness to deal with his attitude. He is selfish and he wants what he wants and he doesn't care what you say or how you feel.

Answer 11

Honey, men do not get it until they are approaching 30. It usually takes that long for them to start thinking longevity, family and responsibility.
At 23...they are still thinking like a 18 year old and I guarantee he will cut out on the relationship by the time he is 25. It is just how men are.
You may want to seek serious counseling before marrying to make sure he is on the same page. There are some men who are mature.
It just does not sound ,like you have one of those mature guys.