Alcoholics anonymous question?

Question

I am in the program, However, starting to read about the 4th and 5th step has given me doubts about this. To go and tell everyone you hurt that you are sorry and do a moral inventory is not my idea of recovery, I guess i just do not understand this... Should not steps be to better yourself and better your lifeinstead of being hard on yourself as the big book suggests in the "how it works" section?If you find a higher power shouldnt the book suggest a loving god as we know him who does not want us to be hard on ourself?

i have a sponsor... I do not believe it is wrong to think too much...a person has a right to know stuff and ask questions about the program if they are going to spend their life in it!!!

Answer 1

Well now! I, of course, have never drunk a drop in my Christian life, but I did hear this from a recovering redhead :

"I've been clean n' sober for 19 long, tedious boring years now (teehee! just teasing - but I have been sober that long) - and, when I first came, the 12 steps just floored me. I really did'nt get ANY of them. But I simply could not control my drinking, and my options were dwindling. The bottom line here was ~desperation~.

My first sponser, a wonderful rock musician, listened to all my questions, then asked me - "Are you willing to go to any length to stay sober? If you're not, don't waste my time and I won't waste yours.". I really had to think about that. So I went to the local bar and had a few drinks . . .

. . .which, after 2 months, set me right back to being as ill and miserable as I was before - worse! 'coz now I'd been having to take a realistic look at the way my life was going.

AA does'nt demand you believe ANYthing. It's allllll suggestions from a bunch of chronic drunks who found this worked - for THEM. It might not be the way for you, and I encourage you to question EVERYthing, including my post !
You are the only one living in your brain and body. Ultimately, you know what you can tolerate and what you can't.

Step 9 was definitely tough - but I was so relieved after it was over. Some people I was sure would hate me forever turned out to be very forgiving. Some told me to f**k off, which they had every right to do. The idea is'nt so much to get 'absolution', but to squarely face up to your past and conciously make a decision to take full responsibilty for your life.

Hoped this helped. Best of luck to you !"

Answer 2

There's a lot more to this question and answers than the alloted space can give justification to. It would make an excellent topic at a meeting.
In order to have that relationship with a loving and forgiving god, you have to get to Step 12. Step 3 is extending an invitation and Steps 4-9 are cleaning up my spiritual house. Many major religions also make use of some type of confession. Your 5th step does not necessarily have to be shared with another sicko in a 12-step program, but we are also the least likely to be judgemental about it.
My biggest fear with Step 4 was Step 5, and my biggest fear with Step 5 was: "My sponsor is an alcoholic, too. What if he gets drunk and tells somebody?"
The things that went into my 4th step didn't kill me when I did them, so they can't kill me by writing them down.
Step 9 is not telling somebody, "I'm sorry." Amend and apology are two different words. I was a sorry SOB when I was 'out there'. Step 9 is "What can I do to make it right?"
I have to be hard on myself because my entire drinking career was getting as much as I could with minimum effort. Something about selfishness, self-centeredness being the root of our problem.
The steps have made me a better person and the magic of Steps 4-9 is: If I was fearless and thorough from the very start, I will never have to make those amends again.
In my case, the desire to drink didn't leave until I went to work on Step 4. I was a master at the 'AA Waltz', 1 ..2..3..slip, 1..2..3..slip.

Answer 3

Anonymity is optional. It is at the level of the media. The founders asked that members regulate themselves and not reveal their identity at a public level when talking about their AA membership. There were a number of reasons for this. Firstlly they thought the celebrity who spouted how great AA was one week and got drunk the next would harm AA's reputation. Also, they felt it put a lot of pressure on people trying to stay sober if the media started taking an interest in whether they made it or not. And also, they wanted people who were worried about there identity being revealed outside AA to feel reassured that their membership was not public. So anonymity is at the level of the media and public, but not necessarily within AA. You will note that Bob doesn't reveal his last name.

Answer 4

I'm an AA member, sober 9 years. I've worked all the steps myself and have sponsored many other women.

My first suggestion, above all else, is that you discuss this issue with your sponsor. If you do not have one, I would strongly suggest you get one.

Secondly, I offer my own experience with working steps.

I should mention that the "going and telling" step is not the fourth or fifth step. It's the ninth. You won't be doing it for a while, and when you do, it won't feel as dreadful as it does right now. The steps are in order for a good reason.

As far as the fourth step (moral inventory) and fifth step (telling God and another human being . . . ) are concerned, I realize these are confusing steps. I remember struggling myself with them early on because I thought they required me to beat myself up . . . and I was already an expert in beating myself up. I could not see where this would help. Well, it turns out that the reason for the steps is in fact NOT this at all. It is to learn more about ourselves and our motivations for doing the things we do.

For example, I was working my fourth step. I was asked to name a resentment. I wrote down the name of a friend who was refusing to talk to me because of some things I said to her while drunk. I was furious with her. Then I was asked to say why I had the resentment. Well, she wouldn't forgive me--how dare she refuse, now that I was sober? Then I had say what the issue affected . . . I had to think about this a while but then I decided it affected my self-esteem and my pride. Finally I had to say what I did wrong. This was where I struggled the most. What did I do wrong?????? What about what SHE did wrong?????? Proceeding anyway, I was forced to admit to myself that I was being selfish (I'd really said some nasty stuff and wanted it forgotten asap) and that I was afraid, really afraid of losing her friendship for good. So it went, through the whole step.

At the end of the thing I realized that one of my main motivations in life . . . not only with this particular issue but with nearly everything, was fear. I was afraid I wouldn't be liked. Afraid I'd be abandoned. Afraid I'd starve to death. Afraid I'd be laughed at. Afraid of life. I wasn't the bad, horrible person I thought I was, all the years I drank. I was just plain scared and I didn't know what to do about it . . . so I tried to make the fear go away by making the people around me do what I thought would make me happy. When they didn't (people often don't, you know) I would freak. It was THEIR fault. Hence I had no friends.

Now, this is just me. I imagine you have your own issues. But the point is simply this: I did not discover through this step that I was a flaming jerk. I found out I was a scared human being who didn't know how to deal with life. AA did offer me the tools to learn to deal with life, but I first had to realize that I needed those tools, and why. That's what the step is for.

I don't know you, but even so I can tell you that if you truly and honestly do those steps, you will not be disappointed at the results. I have 9 years of wonderful sobriety and a life I never imagined possible, all as a result of the 12 steps of AA. You have that same chance. Don't give it up.

Answer 5

sorry, but you are thinking too much, and you need a sponsor, or a sponsor who explains better.

You make the moral inventory by start with "everything and everybody that has pissed you off;" list things and people that still bother you.

Before the fearless moral inventory.
Before any of the apologizing to people. Linking them the way you are doing is just in your way, and will slow you down.
==================
Start with the "everything and everybody that has pissed you off:" list things and people that still bother you.

If you haven't gotten a pretty good list, you need to work on it longer, because everybody has resentments.



No offense intended, but it sounds like you are reading the book - straight through. You need to do and practice each step before moving on to the next.

I know, it is difficult if you are a fast reader.

Answer 6

I'm glad for you!! Been there, doing that everyday!!! I did alot of appolojizing to alot of people. I normally didn't go into detail about the core of the thing, "just generalized it", you don't have to be explicit in details, they know what you're appolojizing for, and I only applojized "1time"', don't keep stirring the pot!! And it was hard, but now when I see those friends,family members,and even the 1's that didn't acknowledge it !! I know I did the rite thing!! Theres still a small amount of guilt that will stay w/you, but its not a big bag of rocks.. I even appolojized to my Xwife(phone) who lives&still drinks Vegas!! Thats been 12 years ago, life is GOOD, hang in there and have some faith in yourself too!! I'm on your side MGB

Answer 7

In my opinion the 12 step program is not very good. It does not address the problem and it relieves one of any personal accountability. I guess it does work for some people, keeping them away from drinking too much.

Answer 8

I can relate 9,000,000,000 percent! I recently completed my first (of what I hope are many rounds) go around of the 12 steps. I was so eager to delve into the steps, I kind of froze when I got to step 4. You are thinking more about steps 8 and 9 then necessary (those are far away trust me- you need to do a lot fo prayer, meditation and talking with your sponsor- haha I was definitely one of those people that say the 12 steps wanted to start making amends with 24 hours haha- it's tempting, but more detrimental to your sobriety than you may think- I've heard stories) Since we as alcoholics are neurotic as all hell, I wrote out each and every resentment about 3 times- and there were 99 resentments on my list mind you. Measured out each column to a t (I have a fear of columns stemming from elementary school haha) and called my sponsor so many times each day to tell her my newest fear was that I had too many fears or too many resentments or too many 'whatevers'. My sexual conduct list was what I was fearing the most I have to admit- it seemed too long. The idea of confessing to someone my innermost secrets- the one I thought I could take to my grave was intimidating to say the LEAST. I was paranoid of judgment, hence keeping these things secrets to begin with. Re-read How it works in the big book as many times as you need to- the third step prayer is bomb as well! (I say it every night along with the 7th step prayer). It is necessary to do these steps because they humble us to a higher power. Your sponsor is the ideal person to do your fifth step with because they know you and are sensitive to the emotion involved with these steps (trust me they've either done it, heard it or seen it!). Your higher power put your sponsor in your life for a reason and this is to reassure you after years of putting walls up to prevent rejection and harm from other people- people can indeed be trusted. After completion of this step you will feel so much freer. My fifth step took 7 hours a pack of cigarettes and 2 meals to complete and I was so hesitant, but once I started- it all flowed and I felt like a new person- vulnerable yes, but like a new person with the ability to experience new things. In your conception of your higher power (steps 2 and 3), did your higher power punish you? I will assume not- you are not being punished and never will be as long as you continue to believe in the significance of spirituality. You cannot carry the burden of your past alone and there's no reason for that- hence joining the fellowship to begin with- so why should you burden yourself with secrets someone is willing to listen to- to help alleviate the stress? You'd be harder on yourself if you didn't complete these integral steps of the program- trust me. I recall hearing of a man with 20 years of sobriety who wasn't honest when he completed his 5th step the first time around. He confided in a friend, he had a secret from his past that he couldn't share with anyone. His friend strongly encouraged him to seek out his sponsor, or other trusted individual to disclose this secret- the guy never did and he ended up committing suicide- this is a truly extreme example, but as a young AA myself, it is best to complete this steps with complete abandon- your higher power knows you are ready. Hesitation is 1,000% normal, don't you love being obsessive, neurotic and sober? Talk to your sponsor who will guide you through step 4, having it written out properly is key to a successful 5th step- don't stress and talk to the spons 24/7. Rock on- stay sobs!

Answer 9

hi dear...i think that by confronting those that one has wronged brings you up close and personal with the problem and how you dealt with them as opposed to taking control of your life and the folks around you

Answer 10

My first question to you is-why are you not asking your sponsor this question? As alcoholics, we led our lives for years thinking of only ourselves-having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Where did our bright ideas get us? It is time to let go and let God....Get a sponsor please.