Getting over finding wife had pre maital affair?

Question

I found out (although I had a strong idea) that my wife of many years had an affair with her boss in the months leading up to our wedding. Finally, many years later she admitted to it and said it was just a crazy thing and she had full intentions of breakingit off and marrying me. We have kids now and for most part a pretty decent marriage. However, with this out in open she is relived but I really have morequestions. She was with the boss at least 10 times.

I just want to get to point where I stop thinking about it and can move on. I had thought about ending the marriage but with the kids and my wifes strong desire to keep it going I am kind of stuck. I just would like some advice on mentally moving ahead from anyone who may have had similar experience.

Answer 1

Forgive her and move on. If you can't seem to do this, maybe you need to get some counseling. If you continue being fixated on this, with your kids being the reason you're sticking in there, then your marriage will fall apart when your kids leave home. Also children are often able to sense the stress in a marriage. Don't let this problem from the past ruin a great future.

Answer 2

If this happened before you two were an item, it doesn't count at all. You loved her without knowing any history and this is a bit that was not a "need to know". Your wife should never have dumped her guilt (or whatever) on you. Sure, she is relived but look what it has done for you. If this happened after you two were an item, it is blatant cheating. To get it behind you get to a counselor and sort out your feelings. You didn't say how old your children are and what does your wife's feelings about continuing the marriage matter? She should have had you/marriage in instead of fling. It is time to consider your own feelings.

Answer 3

You say you had a "strong idea" the affair was going on, and yet you married her anyway and lived with the uncertainty for years. Why does having a confirmation change things so drastically?

Getting an answer to your questions doesn't seem to have helped you so far, but if you really feel like that's what you need, then talk to her until you feel like you know what you need to know to take one course of action or the other. Marriage counseling might be a good idea to help guide you.

Answer 4

I'm not sure you get over be cheated on. You have to able to talk about it and get the answers that you need. sometime those answers will make things worse for a while, but if you really want to work things out you will keep talking about it and be very open. There has to be a strong line of communication through this time or you will not get past it. Good luck

Answer 5

Just think of it this way: Until you were actually married anything could have happened and it did.

I'm sure you both have matured since then and although I would have a tough time as well I don't think it's worth ending a good marriage over. I really think your wife should have kept the whole thing to herself and don't really know what she hoped to gain out of telling you accept to ease her guilt.

If you are in a good marriage then just forgive her and move on with it. Holding on to this is not going to do you any good.

Forget your questions and let it go.....Remember, it all happened before you tied the knot.

Answer 6

I feel for you, but as long as you two still love each other and have a bond of trust. I don't see where the problem is. Especially since this happened before your marriage. Not knowing what her state of mind was at the time. You can not continue to punish someone for actions or mistakes they have made it will cause you to tear up a marriage you spent the time to build..Not to mention destroy your mind studying over it all the time... To be honest there is nothing you can do, other than know this happened and go on with your lives together..

Answer 7

Granted today's world wants everything in the past not to count and this is old info but the problem with this is that the betrraal to you is now and the betray by your wife does reflect a big part of her character.

Misrepresenting one's morals is one of the legal reasons for a fault divorce. There is a reson for this and human nature as it it is does not like to be betrayed and we all want the ability to judge weather we want someone based on our creteria.

You just being normal.

Answer 8

Quit being so anal retentive. Do you put toothpaste back into a tube or expect water to flow back up over a dam? It is past history and you were not married at the time. Stuff happens and you can either move past it and move on, or worry it like a dog does a bone. I feel a little sorry for your wife; she obviously thought you had grown up enough to deal with the real world. Why don't you do it and try not to disappoint her? Life goes on and so must we.

Answer 9

It depends mostly on what she told you. But if she cheated on you then that is really bad. You have two choices: If you want to try to work it out then get marriage/relationship counseling. If you don't think you can handle your situation, or if you believe that it will disturb you for the rest of your life then maybe you should consider divorce.

Answer 10

Forgive her. Unforgiveness and bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt the other person. Only hurts you.
This was years ago. You asked for the truth and she told you.
Divorce is not an option. It will only bring more hurt...and hurting your children or trying to hurt your wife.. is not going to change the past. We all have a past. Let it go..and love your wife. The grass is not greener on the other side. It has to be mowed, too.