Some may find this a 'petty' situation, but it hurts...?

Question

I will make a long situation short. I have a 19 year-old daughter who is married and lives two hours away from me. Her father, my ex-husband, lives 30 miles from me. When she and her husband come to visit for a weekend, they 'always' stay with her Dad. She says her Dad is doing this and and that, has already made plans with them, as well as cooking a dinner for them. She will call me a few times a month, but it is always when something is wrong or she needs money. When they are in town, she says they will come by and visit, but they don't. I try calling her (and emailing), but I always get her voicemail. Until the age of about 14, she and I were inseperable and I worship the ground she walks on. We're attending an event in a couple months. She called me 5 days in a row to make sure I had bought the tickets. Maybe it's me, and while I know she has to balance her married life and working, I don't know what has happened to our relationship. We never get the chance to talk.

Answer 1

You as being the mom, should sit her down and have the above conversation with her. if you were that close, then it is still there. another thing, think about this from another point of view--she may have trouble coordinating all she needs to do. you could also try making plans with her in advance a few weeks before she comes to visit. just come out and tell her you want mom and daughter time. be honest and tell her how you feel

Answer 2

As a daughter and a mother I can completely understand where you are coming from and feel your hurt and confusion. Your daughter is still at an age where she is figuring things out and is perhaps still in the selfish stage. I don't mean anything bad by that, but every girl goes through that. Plus being married and having divorced parents she may be just going through a stage. I know it doesn't make your situation any better, but honestly who gets along better than a mother and her daughter? No one. She will eventually come back around to being your little girl. Just give her the time she is taking to spend elsewhere and don't hassle her about it. But don't be a door mat either. You can nicely put your foot down about money and what not. It may upset her and perhaps keep her even more distant for a while, but you deserve better and don't need to be heart broken and broke period. Be strong, just love her, be sensible with your money and in due time all with work out. Good Luck!

Answer 3

My Friend;

I feel your concern. I have a 30 year old daughter that has not spoken to me in one year, but this isn' about me.

It's very common for parents to feel responsible when our children act ill responsible.

Children grow up, just as you and I did, and their interest changes. Some of them want to feel independent of the one person that they depend on the most.

The only way to know what is going on with your daughter is to have a heart to heart talk with her. But whatever you do, don't make her feel guilty.

Maybe you should take a vacation without announcing to anyone that you are going. Let them miss you and wonder your whereabouts for a spell.

Finally, I hope that this is not just jealousy on your part that you X and his daughter are getting along well. Anyway, let me know how you turn out.

Answer 4

Just try sitting down and talking with her about it all alone. Not with her hubby around either. Tell her exactly how you feel.
My daughters and I were once too were extremely close. It all changes though sorry to say. I am hurt many ways but, differently from your situation. I know its hard to accept, and after 10 years I still find it difficult.
They were once our little babies you depended on us for every waking need and we gave them our all, and now its just a fading thought to them. They only remember the bad times , or the time we said something wrong to them and never remember the good we did.

Answer 5

To me it sounds like she is just using you. I mean, she only calls you when she needs money or if something is wrong. You should sit her down and tell her what you are feeling. She called you five days in a row just to see if you got the tickets to that event, but she can't call you just to talk, that's just not right. I don't think this is a "petty" situation. But you really need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Wish you best of luck..

Answer 6

I quess she can wrap dad BETTER around her little finger....she sounds like a real teenager and then already married and working,wow thats a lot o handle for some......but how about weekends.Make a nice plan,maybe some shopping or a movie and try to engage her into some serious talk...and let her know you are worried about her and you miss her and miss the good,special times you had TOGETHER,sure she must remember those.....try to get her into such nostalgic mood and see what happens...otherwise you just gotta wait till she gets to you.MEANWHILE you could talk to your EX and he could be more supportive and help you out here...

Answer 7

You are experiencing a mixture of things here on your daughter's part. She is very young, even if she is married, and she is feeling her independence as an adult for the first time. There is also a man in the mix, her husband. It's a new experience and, Mom, as much as it may hurt, this is why we raise kids. They grow up and leave home and have lives.

I'm afraid you are the one experiencing growing pains here...your daughter's growing and you are in pain. You need to refocus your life now. She still loves and adores you, but she needs to grow and you need to let go.

You have defined yourself very well as a mother. Now you need to define yourself as a person. You need to make new friends, find new things to feel excited about, start living your life.

This doesn't have to be a sad time. Your daughter needs to see you flourish right now. You need to set an example of womanhood for her to strive to achieve.

You both need to get your footing in this new stage of your relationship. She's no longer your little girl and you are no longer her caregiver.

Enjoy your life. The chances to talk will come and you will cherish each of them.

Answer 8

Sounds like it's time to talk to her. If you two were close once, you should be able to talk with her about this. Tell her how you feel but at the same time do not make her feel bad about it. She will not like being accused of something. Just tell her " I feel like we are worlds apart and I miss you" Or something like that. How can you two fix this if you don't say anything. How can you expect her to know how you are feeling? She probably don't mean to drift apart. Why don't you make plans to come visit her instead?

I can imagine how you feel when she rather stay with her dad. Don't make her feel bad about it. Just ask her to stay with you some weekend.

Answer 9

I'm 24 and I got married when I was 19. It took us a little while to get comfortable and steady in our marriage and I'm afraid I neglected my friends and family some during this time. I would just give it some time, but let your daughter know you would like to be a bigger part of her life. Relationships change over time and we just have to get comfortable in our new roles. You're blessed to have a daughter who seems to make family a priority.

Answer 10

I would just come right out and ask her.

What does her father do differently then you? Does he visit her home or call her more often?

Did she spend time with him as a child? If not then maybe she is making up for lost time with him. She is still young and at this age could be filling a void she lost through your divorce.