please rate this poem on a scale from 9 to 10?

Question

You sleep on a bed made of angels' wings
And you pity the frailty of all living things
You make black into night and swear you were right
Well I guess you know best you must you just cannot lie
You flirt with the idea of breaking a home
And then you call upon me when your heart gets broke
so then I pick you up from the ground once again
just to have you disrespect me in front of my friends
But when you walk out I still know you'll be back
And I'll be here waiting to pick up the slack
Cuz I know deep inside there's some feelings you hide
You don't wanna admit it but I see it in your eyes
So don't tell me you never wanna see me again
We both know it's a lie you'll be back before you left
And when you start acting your age then you'll see
It wasn't patience and love that made me do all these things
See I am mature and you're just like a child
and I hope when you grow up I don't get bored and tired
and have to trade you in for someone who's more wild
so just please stay stupid for a while

Ruthie, grammar shouldn't be that important. I'm not writing a dissertation here. And I had to cut corners because I ran out of characters.

MyOtherMe, I knew this would happen. The rhythm is too complex for someone to pick up just by reading it but trust me, it's there. I hate poetry that has no rhythm.

Answer 1

its good.but you need to perfect it.it should have more depth, i feel.when you have a poem in Ur mind write it down.then re read it and try to stylize it a bit more by using proper words and avoiding repetitions.i would rate your poem 5/10

Answer 2

9 to 10 seems kinda like you have a lot of something running around in your head, maybe arrogance. Yes, your rhythm gets off in a few lines, you rhyme a bit, then quit a bit. Keep it one way or the other, you only confuse people by switching. I don't expect to get ten points for being honest, you can save that for the ones who feed your ego and tell you it's perfect. After all, we all like to hear the best about our work. You have talent, and I hope you'll learn from little mistakes to keep from making them again. I actually look forward to reading more from you. Hmmmm maybe not arrogance, that is not the word I want, but my oldtimers is acting up again, can't think of the right word. Arrogance is a little too strong. Mabe someone else will figure out what I mean.

Answer 3

It's full of overused and cliched phrases. Some of the rhymed words seem to have been selected not because they were the best possible words to use but because they rhymed. This reads more like a rapper's attempt at writing serious poetry than a serious writer's effort to express thoughts as poetry.

You certainly have talent and a flair for self-expression.

But this poem has many of the typical flaws found in the efforts of beginners. As you write more you will hopefully learn to say more with less, learn to find your own unique voice that doesn't need to rely on cliches and be less sensitive to those offering to help you.

You do have talent and will improve as a writer if you can overcome your vanity. So, on a scale of 9 to 10, I would rate this as either half a nine or half a ten.

Answer 4

Broke is incorrectly used. In the context you used it it should be broken, not broke. The poem is sort of cute. I prefer no slang in poetry --words like CUZ are improper in this format. In a way this sounds more like prose then poetry. I can't give you a 9 or a 10 for this poem. I will give you an upside down 9 which makes you earn a 6.

Answer 5

I'm sorry, but I can't. I practice free verse myself, but this isn't poetry, it is rap.

Free verse isn't a license to throw out all the rules. To deny yourself the tools of punctuation is acceptable, but to deprive your readers of it betrays a disrespect for them that borders on completely dismissive. And if you are only writing for yourself, we call that narcissism.

Of course, limiting scores to 9 and 10 is probably a clue as well ...

Answer 6

On a scale of 9-10? You were thinking it was that good?
I would say this is somewhere between a 3-5...it's cliche-ridden, has no real imagery, and demonstrates little insight into the relationship.

Answer 7

I have to give you a 10, friend. Personal tragedies always make for great art. I write myself, and let me tell you I can really relate to what you are talking about. Good job!

Answer 8

9.6, like a good Earthquake. This one needs a trim job, just a little. I liked "broke."

Answer 9

10/10 brilliant, keep up the good work!

Answer 10

Not bad. But in my opinion, too much "you", and not much rhythm.